Experience Report
          

   
Awakening process with the power of Kundalini, combined with Buddhist knowledge: From the first to the tenth shackle within nine weeks 

I don't know why the urge for enlightenment is awakened in us at some point. But when it takes hold of you, there is nothing else you can do but grow towards light and love. The desire to unite with God is stronger than oneself and is probably intended by nature.
Table of Contents
Summary
Foreword
Part 1
How it all began
16.09.22 - 18.09.22 - The first retreat
Thursday 22/09/22 - The first "state"
Friday 23.09.22 - The premonition
Saturday, 24.09.22 - Meditation with focus
Monday, 26.09.22 - Siddhartha
Thursday, 29.09.22 - I'm learning to meditate
Friday, 30.09.22 - Mindfulness course
Sunday, 02.10.22 - Everything is burning
Wednesday, 05.10.22 - My self-confidence is growing
Saturday, 08.10.22 - Three levels of knowledge
Thursday, 13.10.22 - Corona
Monday, 17.10.22 - No monastery
Tuesday, 18.10.22 - The low point
Sunday, 23.10.22 - I have support
Monday, 24.10.22 - I Wonder
Wednesday, 26.10.22 - A completely different goal
Thursday, 27.10.22 - Positive states of mind
Friday, 28.10.22 - The power of the Sangha
Sunday 30.10.22 - First feelings of alienation
Monday, 31.10.22 - Contact with a medium
Tuesday, 01.11.22 - The talisman
Saturday, 05.11.22 – Nothing
Tuesday, 08.11.22 - Intoxication of life
Saturday, 12.11.22 - "States" full of happiness
Sunday, 13.11.22 - My own guide to meditation
Monday, 14.11.22 - Love, the universal energy
Albert Einstein on love - Letter to his daughter Lieserl
Tuesday, 15.11.22 - So many great books and so little time!
Wednesday, 16.11.22 - The union
Thursday, 17.11.22 - Exploring the world anew. Gratitude exercise
Friday, 18.11.22 - Cleansing process underway
Saturday, 19.11.22 - Spiritual nourishment. The "states" are getting deeper
Sunday, 20.11.22 - Equanimity. Building the soul.
Wednesday, 21.11.22 - I feel this energy
Tuesday, 22.11.22 - Deep truths. Thoughts on awakening.
Thursday, 24.11.22 - The storm
Friday, 25.11.22 - Programme restart
Saturday, 26.11.22 - Non-violence and acceptance
Sunday, 27.11.22 - Current definition: "state"
Tuesday 29.11.22 - The butterfly wants to hatch
Wednesday, 30.11.22 - First conversation with Anissita
The dream of tomorrow - exercise from the "Taste of Freedom" course
Thursday, 01.12.22 - Reflections from yesterday
Saturday, 03.12.22 - The lotus flower opens
Monday, 05.12.22 - The first day in Morocco
Tuesday, 06.12.22 - Insight about karma
Wednesday, 07.12.22 - Noise sensitivity
Thursday, 08.12.22 - Conditions for awakening
Friday, 09.12.22 - Processes
Saturday, 10.12.22 - A terrible day in Marrakesh
Sunday, 11.12.22 - The aftershock
Monday, 12.12.22 - Infinite love
Tuesday, 13.12.22 - Attachments
Wednesday, 14.12.23 - Am I different?
Thursday, 15.12.22 - The nature of desire
Friday, 16.12.22 - Conversation with Kevin
Sunday, 18.12.22 - Grandma Lisa's birthday
Monday, 19.12.22 - Sensitivity to noise increases
Tuesday, 20.12.22 - Sickness certificate and deep insights
Wednesday 21.12.22 - My inner ME doesn't exist
Part 2
Thursday 22/12/22 - Speech
Friday, 23.12.22 - The cause of suffering
Sunday, 25.12.22 - A disastrous Christmas
Monday 26.12.22 - A small identity problem
Tuesday, 27.12.22 - The ten shackles
Wednesday, 28.12.22 - Space and time do not exist
Sunday, 01.01.23 - A productive day
Tuesday, 02.01.23 - A grin in the darkness
Thursday 05/01/2013 - I'm working on the fourth shackle
Friday, 06.01.23 - Nocturnal revelation
Saturday, 07.01.23 - In the service of others
Sunday, 08.01.23 - Gold thoughts
Monday, 09.01.23 - The second time I put my foot in my mouth
Tuesday, 10.01.23 - Overcoming self-doubt
Wednesday, 11.01.23 - Opening up to the day
Thursday, 12.01.23 - Taking life as it is
Saturday, 14.01.23 - The quiet room
Sunday, 15.01.23 - Ancestral healing
Wednesday, 18.01.23 - No Dharma course after all.
Thursday, 19.01.23 - All things arise in the mind
Friday, 20.01.23 - I no longer suffer with you!
Saturday, 21.01.23 - Hope dies last
Sunday, 22.01.23 - Final rejection
Monday, 23.01.23 - Why am I reacting?
Wednesday, 25.01.23 - I'm looking for more support
Thursday, 26.01.23 - Making peace with myself
Monday, 30.01.23 - In shallow waters
Tuesday, 31.01.23 - Mindfulness is the be-all and end-all
Wednesday, 01.02.23 - A view from the outside
Thursday, 02.02.23 - The gap actually exists
Friday, 03.02.23 - The love of oneself
Saturday, 04.02.23 - My insides are reaction-free!
Sunday, 05.02.23 - What's reacting?
Monday, 06.02.23 - I want to go on
Tuesday, 07.02.23 - Every man for himself
Thursday, 09.02.23 - The non-existent chain
Friday, 10.02.23 - The Brahma Vihara course
Sunday, 12.02.23 - The suffering is getting worse
Monday, 13.02.23 – Without the "states everything is stupid…
Tuesday, 14.02.23 - My wishes do not exist!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 15.02.23 - Significant reduction in suffering
Thursday 16/02/2023 - Dinner with Buddhists
Saturday, 18.02.23 - This world only exists in my consciousness
Sunday, 19.02.23 - I'm sleeping!!!!!!!
Monday, 20.02.23 - The well-being of all beings
Tuesday 21.02.23 - My body doesn't exist
Wednesday, 22.02.23 - I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PART 3
Saturday, 25.02.23 - First impressions
Sunday, 26.02.23 - Everything new and interesting
Monday, 27.02.23 - An information pack to be unpacked
Tuesday, 28.02.23 - It speaks to me!
Wednesday, 01.03.23 - The first feelings of happiness
Thursday, 02.03.23 - Can you convey "Everything is burning"?
Friday, 03.03.23 - A bad day
Saturday, 04.03.23 - Welcome to nihilism!
Sunday, 05.03.23 - Yes, that has to be digested first…
Tuesday, 07.03.23 - I'm knocked out.
Wednesday, 08.03.23 - Video call with Christiane Michelberger
Thursday, 09.03.23 - Duality
Friday, 10.03.23 - The bliss is unfolding
Saturday, 11.03.23 - Quantum theory wants to be mentioned
Sunday, 12.03.23 - I am working on the topic of Kundalini
Monday, 13.03.23 - I am an energy being with all kinds of bizarre thoughts
Tuesday, 14.03.23 - Awakening is also just a process
Wednesday, 15.03.23 - My energy level rises to the highest level
Saturday, 18.03.23 - I am an ocean, full of love!
Appendices
Books that have been helpful to me, in order of importance:
Websites that I find helpful:
Important addresses:
Summary
A summary for the impatient readers:
A 47 year old G.P., driven by the deepest dissatisfaction with her life and in search of the meaning of life, went to a Buddhist centre in July 2022. Without any prior knowledge, she began to meditate regularly and, without realising it, experienced a Kundalini awakening. In the months that followed, she experienced unimaginable emotions: from the highest states of happiness, barely endurable by a human being, to the deepest chasms of despair. All of this was accompanied by a process of awakening of which she was very much aware. Deep insights rained down on her, through which she increasingly recognised the true reality of this world.
At the end of December 2022, the first shackle came off spontaneously. Shortly afterwards, she learnt about this Buddhist concept and began to study it very intensively. Over the following two months, the suffering intensified, the shackles were released one by one, and at the end of February 2023, the woman awoke. Thanks to Christiane Michelberger, she learnt that she had experienced a Kundalini awakening. She did some research; quickly found further information on the internet and especially in Tara Springett's books.
The Kundalini process subsided between February and July 2023. The last information from the information pack was unpacked in July 2023. From August 2023, a refinement of the development took place. At some point, the realisation came that awakening is not the end of personal growth and that there is much more to experience!
For those who don't have time to read the full notes but still want to awaken or SIMPLY become happy; the author recommends the book:  "Spiritual Joy: The Buddhist Dzogchen Way to Enlightenment" by Tara Springett. According to Tibetan Buddhism, this is the most direct, quickest and easiest path to enlightenment. Quote: "You cannot compare this path with the lower jhanas (paths of meditation)". Furthermore, this path is characterised by indescribable joy and happiness.
If you want to know what stage of spiritual development you have reached, you can take a look at the book: "Life is a game, here are the rules" by Tara Springett. In this book, she distinguishes nine stages of the development of the human spirit:

1. 1.Innocence
2. 2.Dominance
3. 3.Obedience
4. 4.Ambition
5. 5.Compassion
6. 6.Responsibility
7. 7.Love
8. 8.Bliss
9. 9.Enlightenment

The book contains practical instructions on how to make faster progress on this "stairway to heaven". According to Ken Wilber, you can awaken from each step, but I can't comment on this due to a lack of information.
If anyone would like to experience an adventurous Kundalini process, they can try Tara Springett's book: "Enlightenment through the Path of Kundalini".
If you want to know more details: read on.
Have fun!
Foreword
Dear friends,
Something wonderful has happened to me! Something so extraordinary and valuable that I want to tell the whole world about it. Something that has turned my life upside down and filled my existence with meaning. Something that showed me what I came into this world for. It's not magic; although it felt magical to me at times. I am not an outcast, because anyone can follow this process.
I have been asked why I am writing; why I am opening up and sharing my personal journey and feelings? Well, I feel a deep, burning desire to familiarise people with the concepts of awakening and Kundalini; because awakening is the ultimate cure for suffering, but is not yet common knowledge. Explaining what awakening is, is quite difficult, but I will try. I would describe it as a package of information, but it is not intellectual knowledge: it is an experience. It is a profound psychological reorganisation; a transformation of the mind; a transition to a higher level of consciousness where you perceive yourself as part of the general or higher consciousness.
In his book "Integral Meditation", Ken Wilber formulates four levels of personality identity:
1. Egocentric = I-identity
2. Ethnocentric = we-identity
3. World-centric = we all-identity
4. Cosmo centric = not only all living beings, but the whole of reality-identity
According to this, awakening would be a transition from the World-centric to the Cosmo centric stage of personality identity. As I said, it's a bit complicated to explain. If I were a devout Christian, I would say: I experienced God. This experience fundamentally changed my personality, my world views, beliefs, interests and goals.
I am of the opinion that awakening is the goal of every religion, but it is also possible without religion. Buddha was a genius who found the path to awakening and further enlightenment on his own, which we can still follow thousands of years later. There are beautiful gilded statues depicting him. The Buddha smiles mysteriously and symbolises "unfathomable knowledge, boundless compassion and unspeakable joy". He seems so unattainable that people find it hard to believe that awakening is possible for everyone and that there are awakened beings among us.
The awakened do not look as flawless as statues of Buddha. They do not sit on the meditation mat all day, are not surrounded by rays of sunshine, smile constantly or answer every question with "omm". As a rule, they are people who do not strive for power, money or fame and appear completely inconspicuous.
My husband sometimes says: You can't possibly be awake because you're still upset about the dirty floor! 🤣 - Yes, that's still possible! I'm still a flesh and blood person, with my own emotions and problems.
Some say that awakening is the highest stage of a person's spiritual development, but this is not true. There is an even higher stage - enlightenment. At this stage, man is united with God; completely loses his selfish instincts and acts only out of the motives of the deepest love for humanity. We have all heard of such people - the most prominent personalities who have left a deep mark on our history are Jesus Christ and Buddha. Unfortunately, I cannot say anything about other religions as I have had little contact with them.
I threw myself into this process without having the slightest idea about it and had to walk the whole way in the dark, following my intuition and with little to no support. But you can do better. In Appendix I will list useful sources of information that may be available to you. There are many awakened people, books and websites. That is the reason I am writing these lines - to give you information and encouragement.
I believe that humanity has reached a new level where we do not have to fight for survival, at least not we Europeans. We can now concentrate on our spiritual evolution. Moreover, thanks to modern media, we are literally all connected. Information spreads instantly. The time is gradually approaching when awakening will no longer only affect individuals, but the general public. Eckhard Tolle writes in his book: "A New Earth", ‘With every awakened person, the collective consciousness gains momentum and everything becomes easier for the others.’.
To understand: Kundalini is the energy that, according to Tibetan teachings, sustains life in our body and is centred in the lower abdomen. It can be activated in various ways, and in favourable conditions Kundalini helps us to awaken. The most unusual, almost magical states can then be experienced.
There are many ways of awakening, and it is sometimes a slow and subtle process. But there is a way to speed up this process, and that is with the help of Kundalini. It's like switching from a bicycle to a Porsche. People I have communicated with often talk about a very intense phase, lasting about 8-10 months, in which a consciousness-expanding process takes place and you realise the true reality of this world. However, you remain in the Kundalini process for the rest of your life, because once you have started this process, you can no longer reverse it.
Apparently I was very lucky because my Kundalini activated at a firmly established love level and catapulted me straight to the bliss level. I often hear that the Kundalini process can have some side effects, such as physical pain; most commonly back pain. I don't know why I didn't experience any major discomfort or negative after-effects. However, I had solved almost all of my personal problems before the process.
Kundalini brings all problems to the surface and forces us to resolve them. Overall, the Kundalini process is not for the faint hearted and it can be difficult to integrate the changes in the body, some of which seem magical, with the mind. It was fortunate for me to have a Buddhist background and to know that I was in the process of awakening. That made my path much easier. In Buddhism there is a concept called "The Ten shackles" which is very helpful in freeing the mind from the limitations of this material world; I wrote about it on 27/12/22.
After my awakening, I initially experienced an indescribable feeling of happiness, but after a few months I fell into a hole! I really wanted to pass on my experience at the Buddhist centre to help others, but I wasn't accepted there. The concept of Kundalini is simply unknown far and wide in our Western circles and that was very depressing for me.  I also didn't realise at the time that you can fall out of the bliss phase! After awakening, it is very important to concentrate on bliss and dissolve negative emotions in order to establish yourself in the bliss phase. You can read about how to do this in Tara Springett's book: "Spiritual Joy: The Buddhist Dzogchen Path to Enlightenment". I was very lucky to get my hands on this book in autumn 2023 and since then I have been experiencing beautiful bliss almost every day. It is indescribable!
In my opinion, Kundalini activation in combination with the knowledge from the Buddha's teachings is a very effective method of awakening. An awakening process is the most beautiful thing that can happen to a person in this world and is the natural culmination of human development. It cannot be compared to anything! Nothing at all I sincerely hope that you experience it!
The most important message of the awakening is: We do not die after death! Consciousness continues to exist!
What I experienced is pretty much in line with reports of near-death experiences, such as limitless space filled with love and happiness, and the non-existence of time and space. I did not see a tunnel of light or dead relatives, as my body has not yet died. Instead, I (perhaps) took a deeper perspective. My experience is very close to what near-death survivors experience, as Wolfgang Knüll puts it in his book "Near-Death Experiences": "...it is a profoundly traumatic experience that fundamentally changes the personality.... The quality of the experience of having been carried so easily beyond all horizons, and then the return to the apparent heaviness of the body, signifies a tremendous rupture in the life of the person concerned, which remains present in every future moment... In-particular immediately after the return, it is not uncommon for the after-effects of the immense beauty of the experience to lead to long-lasting depressive states. In addition, people can feel completely isolated within their experience, because who can you tell about it? Not only is it unlikely that anyone will believe you, but you also have to expect to be thought to be crazy or even end up believing that something is wrong with you. Yet you have experienced everything for real. As a result, near-death experiencers often feel strange and out of place. Their real, true existence lies to a large extent in this other world. The earthly environment sometimes seems provisional to them.".
I can imagine that consciousness originates somewhere in lower life forms than ourselves and travels from one organism to another until it finally reaches a human body and continues to develop with each new reincarnation. The earth is a giant kindergarten or incubator, so to speak. Tara Springett calls it a boarding school, but I don't like that expression. With each reincarnation, the spirit is more and more able to vibrate at higher frequencies: to feel love, compassion and altruism. There comes a time when the mind can expand and gain information about the real world. He realises that this is just a training ground and that there is really nothing important here; no success, no fame, no money. These are just illusions that seem very real to us. Suddenly you realise that you are living in a huge dream created for the development of the mind and you see the real reality: the infinite space, an ocean of love, light and happiness that is not only intelligent but also immensely creative and omniscient. The infinite consciousness of which we are a part. Buddhists call this process awakening. All earthly goals immediately become unimportant. There is nothing left to strive for... The chain of reincarnations ends, and after death you can finally connect with ‘The Source’, God or cosmic consciousness... There are so many names, but they all describe the same thing.
After awakening, the mind is able to vibrate at higher frequencies and experience sates of happiness and love more frequently. This is because the person realises that there is nothing in this world that prevents them from being happy and that bliss is the foundation of our being.
If we learn to be consistently happy and loving, we will be able to join God now on earth: that is, to reach the final stage of human development - enlightenment - otherwise this will happen after death. Buddhists call this process an "act of grace" because it is impossible to become enlightened on one's own; one is dependent on the help of an enlightened teacher and a higher consciousness.
This is the only purpose and meaning of existence here - development and union with the general consciousness or with God. Nothing else. I am indescribably glad that I have realised this and can articulate it. I am filled with infinite humility and reverence for the power of God. Never in my life could I have imagined that I would be able to experience Him! I am filled with gratitude for this!
My experience of another world was so strong that this material world seemed non-existent to me. It wasn't until a year after my awakening that I came to the conclusion that this world didn't just exist in my head. Yes, it really took me a year to realise what had happened and to form a clear picture. My diary and my higher consciousness, which gave me the right books at the right time, helped me a lot. I would like to take this opportunity to thank him very much, but also all the people who have supported me in my life, especially Christel Krug, who gave me the initial spark and helped me a lot in my awakening process. My special thanks go to my teacher Tara Springett, who showed me the way after my awakening. I feel a special connection with her. Tara drew my attention to the fact that in Buddhist teaching the terms "awakening" and "enlightenment" are considered synonyms. However, many people I have spoken to say that the process of transmitting an "information packet" is very similar to waking up from sleep. You open up in to another dimension as if you had only been asleep in this life. For the sake of simplicity, I will use the term "awakening". Basically, it's just a question of the semantics in human language. They can be very different, and I don't want to argue about that. I'm only interested in the information, not the names of the phenomena.
https://www.taraspringett.com/
https://en.everybodywiki.com/Tara_Springett
And one more thing: I’m not trying to convert anyone to Buddhism. I am in no way looking for any kind of worship and have no financial interests. I just want to tell my story with the desire to help someone awaken. I do not wish to offend anyone in my account, these are merely my personal experiences and thoughts, which should in no way be taken as incontrovertible truths. No two awakening processes are the same. I apologise in advance if I trigger negative emotions in anyone. English is not my native language, so I would be grateful for information about any errors that I may have inadvertently written here! Please contact me at: kontakt@awaked.me
With love, Olga
Part 1
July-December 2022
From the first contact with Buddhism to stream entry
How it all began
I wouldn't describe myself as esoteric. I was baptised in a Russian Orthodox church at the age of 16 and registered as Protestant in Germany. How many times I have attended church in my life can be counted on the fingers of two hands. Although I could always imagine that a higher power existed; I just didn't know why I needed the institution of the church. I can make contact with God myself and don't need an intermediary. I left the Protestant church in 2012 when I learnt about acts of child abuse. I couldn't support a church like that.
At the end of 2021, I was talking to Christel, a friend of mine, and moaned to her: "I've achieved everything I wanted in my life. I have a big family, a loving husband, a great job, wealth and good health. Only the most important thing is missing: happiness. And a sense of the big picture. My life consists only of endless appointments and time pressure, I spin in a mill every day without understanding the purpose. In our house, I am the central axis, the pillar that coordinates everything, communicates, settles conflicts and finds things. I look after other people from morning to night, at work during the day and at home in the evening. And I would love to have time for myself and my hobbies. I've always been interested in Buddhism and never found time for it until now.".
At this, Christel replied in astonishment: "Olga, you and Buddhism! But don't you know that there is a large Buddhist centre in Essen?" - I was perplexed. I've lived here for 25 years and had never heard of the Buddhist centre. Surprisingly, Christel also told me that she had been attending a Triratna group (European Buddhist community) in her city for two years. Triratna means: three disciples. It refers to Buddha, Dharma (his teachings) and Sangha (Buddhist community).
That same day she sent me a link to the Buddhist centre and I immediately signed up for the newsletter.
http://www.buddhistisches-zentrum-essen.de/
It was the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic and I didn't really want to sit in a room with lots of other people. So I listened to a few talks from the website. One of the talks mentioned a book by Philip Moffitt called "Dance with Life". I bought the book and started reading it. The author explains and interprets Buddha's teachings. It is about the causes and forms of suffering. Suffering is defined as any form of dissatisfaction: pressure, stress, frustration, grief, sadness, disappointment, worry, anxiety, depression, any mental pain. It was amazing. Every other page made my whole inside vibrate. I felt a deep truth in the text. I was fascinated by the book but still couldn't bring myself to visit the centre.
When the war in Ukraine broke out on 24th February 2022, it hit me very hard. Of course, there are always wars on earth, but I took this war very personally. Perhaps because I feel a deep connection to both the Russian and Ukrainian people. I couldn't understand the whole thing. I always believed that humanity would develop in a positive direction. However, this war has completely ruined my opinion of humanity. I was so disappointed with this world. My feeling was: "Stop the earth, I have to get off!" I didn't want to stay in this world any longer. Everything disgusted me. When I look back, the general suffering, the so-called "Weltschmerz", came to a head in me like never before. In the end, the war in Ukraine forced me to go to the Buddhist centre.
I had a week's holiday in July 2022. My husband wanted to go away, but this time I didn't feel like it at all. I was so full of negative impressions from the outside world that I just wanted to isolate myself, spend time with myself and organise my thoughts. I said to Susanne, another friend of mine, that week: "I've travelled so often that it no longer appeals to me. I finally want to start my inner journey". How right my premonition was...
On 28.07.22, I plucked up all my courage and went to an open evening at the Buddhist centre. I arrived too early, the door was still locked. I sat down on a chair outside in the courtyard and was very excited. A woman came, took a seat next to me, looked at me kindly and asked: "So, first time here?" We chatted for a while, but I couldn't sit still because I was so excited. I had no idea what to expect. I really didn't know much about Buddhism: that Buddha was a historical figure, that he found the way to end suffering and that he experienced how things really are. The latter really captivated me. I would also like to know how things really are. What is meant by that anyway? The structure of the universe? I once saw the film with Keanu Reeves - Little Buddha - and found it very exciting.
At some point, the door to the Buddhist centre opened. I was asked to take off my shoes. Inside was a two-storey building with a converted cellar. I was greeted warmly and given a tour of the building. After taking some of the tea that was available for all visitors, I joined the other people and listened to their chatter. At 19:15 we were invited to go to the shrine on the upper floor. It was a beautiful room with large windows, light-coloured parquet flooring, yellow and gold painted walls and a gilded larger-than-life Buddha statue on the pedestal. The room was marvellous in its emptiness and glowed in the sunlight. The Buddha was sitting on a lotus flower with his eyes closed and smiling, holding a small lotus flower in his hand. It was something very special. I had the feeling that I was finally in the right place. That I had finally found my way home...
There were two ordained members and one other lady who led this evening. Ordained are members of the Buddhist order Triratna. One of the ordained people gave an explanation and introduction to the meditation, which lasted about 15 minutes. It was my first Metta Bhavana meditation. It consists of five parts. During this meditation you are supposed to feel love for yourself, then love for a friend, then for a neutral person, later for a person with whom the relationship is currently problematic and then for all beings in this world. It was indescribably beautiful! I just couldn't feel the love for myself so well, but the rest worked wonderfully. In the fifth phase, I felt so much love for the whole world that I felt like a lighthouse in the darkness. I was radiating light and love in all directions with the hope that someone could receive me. Is there someone in the darkness? I loved all beings in the universe with all my strength. I will never forget this first meditation.
After a break, there was a talk on the topic of generosity. The event lasted until 9.30 pm. I came home feeling energised. I had a clear feeling that I was entering a new phase of my life.
From then on, I went to the centre every Thursday. I really wanted to be able to socialise with someone. During the break, I made an effort to talk to people. However, I realised that there must be a lot of people visiting the centre. There were different people there every Thursday. Even the ordained people changed quite often.
At some point I heard about a beginners' course called: "Taste of Freedom". It included 6 meetings on Wednesdays and a weekend retreat at the Vimaladhatu mediation centre in Sauerland. After a brief period of consideration, I signed up!
In August, Christel emailed me the book by Maitreyabandhu "Living in full mindfulness" as a PDF. It is an eight-week practical course. What a book! I immediately jumped on it, took it with me everywhere and read it in every spare minute. So clearly and simply formulated! A gift from God - and at the right time! You become a different person when you take the course.
The "Taste of Freedom" course started on Wednesday 31st August. We were about 23 people plus three leaders and met in the shrine. I was so excited and filled with anticipation. During the introductions, I said: "I'm brand new here. But I feel at home. I was probably a Buddhist in my previous life". I'm surprised nobody laughed 😉
The course followed the same pattern as the open evenings: first 15 minutes of meditation, a break and then a talk on a specific topic: gratitude, honesty, compassion, etc. They were wonderful talks! Sometimes they gave me a lot of food for thought. At the beginning of September, we were asked to meditate every day. I could only sigh. When am I supposed to find time for meditation? My life is so full. I was very proud to be able to carve out one afternoon a week to go to the centre. Maitreyabandhu also strongly recommends daily meditation. There was only one option - to get up earlier...
I knew from experience that you have to establish new habits first. The first week was terrible. I am an absolute morning grouch and have struggled to get out of bed since childhood. My best time to get up is 9am. but, I was now very motivated. Since July, I had a distinct feeling that a fire had been lit inside me. Some kind of energy compelled me to keep going.
I've started getting up at 5 a.m. every day. I always need fifteen minutes to fully wake up. Then I meditate for 15-20 minutes. At first I meditated using the 7Mind app (certified, costs are covered by health insurance!), and later I meditated on my own. After meditation, 15 minutes of yoga, as meditation makes me very tense. I've never done yoga before in my life. I have no idea how I got into it. Someone once mentioned a sun salutation. I googled it and - thanks to the internet - got to know Mady Morrison. Isn't that girl marvellous? I've become her loyal fan.
After yoga, I had a little time to read something Buddhist. Later I added my diary. And I realised that these were always very happy hours. Being alone and dealing with something that is important to ME. Taking ME seriously. For the first time in many, many years...
16.09.22 - 18.09.22 - The first retreat
My first retreat in Vimaladhatu was unique. I was quite excited and didn't know exactly what to expect. I signed up to offer a lift to other people and took a young woman - Carolina - with me. We chatted all the way to Sauerland about family, work and hobbies. Is it just me, or is it really the case that all Buddhists are very open and pleasant people?
The Vimaladhatu meditation house is a spacious two-storey building situated on a mountain in the middle of a forest. The retreat is financed on a donation basis; as is everything at Triratna. Accommodation is in rooms with two or three beds, which are rather spartanly furnished. On the ground floor there is a spacious lounge and dining room, kitchen, a few other rooms, showers and toilets. On the first floor, women and men are accommodated separately. There is also a smaller building for the ordained. A stepped garden leads to a small round square with a ‘stupa’ in the centre - a small Buddhist building - and borders directly on the forest. Breathtaking views of the valley below abound. Village in the distance. Wonderful air. The twittering of birds. Peace and quiet.
Everyone had arrived by 18:00. I already knew some of the people, although I couldn't remember all of their names. After the welcome round, there was a delicious vegan dinner and then a meditation.
The shrine is located in the basement. It took my breath away when I entered the room: light-coloured parquet flooring, beautiful emptiness, a small Buddha statue on the wall. The long wall with a floor-to-ceiling window opened onto the terrace with a view of the valley. Beautiful!
Here is the link to the meditation house Vimaladhatu. Everyone is welcome there, not just Buddhists ;-)
https://www.vimaladhatu.de/
I grabbed a mat and blankets and sat down at the front near the Buddha statue. The shrine greeting was new to me. I found repeating unfamiliar words in Pali, which I don't understand, quite disconcerting. However, the meditation that followed was really good. I have the feeling that I can sink deeper into meditation when I meditate together with other people. We practised visualising the breath. This was my first meditation lasting 45 minutes and I found it really long. Also, my legs fell asleep. After about 20 minutes, I came out of the meditation and quietly tried to change my sitting position. I don't understand how people can sit cross-legged for so long. You probably have to practise it from childhood.
I slept pretty well, contrary to my expectations. I decided to maintain my rhythm and get up at five in the morning. Meditated downstairs on my own, did yoga, read "Life in full mindfulness" and took a shower.
At 7.00 am, there was a joint meditation. It was still dark outside when we gathered in the shrine room. The room was only dimly lit. Two candles were burning next to the statue of Buddha. I took my place at the front again. This time we were to meditate on Metta Bhavana. I love this meditation, although I still found it difficult to feel love for myself.
But things turned out differently that morning. I can still remember it very well. I quickly sank into meditation. My thoughts flowed very slowly. For some reason, I thought to myself: what is the probability that I would be sitting at this time, in this place and in this arrangement of molecules? That I, a human being as I am, would be here in this body and with this state of mind, with all my thoughts. If I were to describe this probability mathematically, it would be infinitesimally small.
And - despite all the odds - I'm sitting here. I can only explain this fact in one way: Someone wanted me to exist. I can only explain this through an infinite love for me from the universe or from God or from some other consciousness...
And at that moment, the wave came. It was a real tsunami of love for myself that I suddenly felt. I hadn't even suspected that this love existed. Not even in my wildest dreams. It flooded me so much that it brought tears to my eyes. How uncomfortable in the presence of 22 strangers... It is especially embarrassing to disturb the others during meditation. I sat very still on my mat and the tears just rolled down my face onto my jumper. I will never in my life forget this meditation. It was a turning point on my path. Or a starting point? I realised how valuable I am as a person. How great I am. Only a wonderful person can be loved so much by the universe.
At 9 o'clock we had breakfast, various spreads, bread, porridge and fruit. In the morning we listened to a talk about Buddhism and later exchanged ideas in small groups. Everything was new, very nice and interesting.
After we had come together as a small group of 6 people in the dining room, Ratna - one of the leaders - asked us, among other things, how we had found Buddhism and what our motivations were for taking this course. This was a very good question and the answers were very different. I said that an inner fire had been kindled in me a few months ago and that I wanted to awaken. I was quite embarrassed, because no-one other than me had given such reasons. I also said that I wanted to pass on love, this energy that permeates and connects everything. It made me feel like a black sheep, but I wanted to be honest.
I volunteered to clear up after lunch. The food is cooked here, but the rest of the tasks are shared. I thought that was really great. It's not difficult to clear up after lunch and I'm always happy to have a task. It also saves on costs and you enjoy the feeling of a real community.
After clearing up the lunch things, I went for a walk with a few other women. It's a beautiful area here. Metre-high spruce trees, but they are being cut down in many places. Probably bark beetle infestation. But it was still very beautiful in the forest.
All in all, it was a great day. There was time to chat or simply read a book. In the evening we meditated again, this time with longer recitations. It's called retreats and resolutions. I don't know why this should be in a foreign language. Some things lose their meaning if you just follow the traditions. The five sentences that are said in German at the end are much more meaningful to me personally:
“With acts of loving kindness I purify my body.
With giving generosity I purify my body.
With silence, simplicity and contentment I purify my body.
I purify my speech with honest and truthful speech.
With wide-awake mindfulness, I purify my mind."
The next morning followed the same pattern: get up early, meditate on my own, yoga, shower, coffee, meditation together and breakfast at 9am.
I discovered Maitreyabandhu's second book: "The Journey and the Guide - A Practical Course in Awakening" in the small bookshop in Vimaladhatu. Oh boy! The text gets right under my skin! I immediately bought both copies that were available: one for Christel and the other for me. However, you can also download the book as a PDF from the Buddhist Centre's website or buy it from Amazon. The author was funded by his sangha for the time he spent working on the book. That's what I call community! That's cohesion! This is how humanity will progress 😉
Here is the link to download:
www.triratna-buddhismus.de/ressourcen
I left at lunchtime after clearing up. Somehow I found this retreat exhausting. Probably because I couldn't relax well with so many strangers. And yet I had the feeling that I had made progress.
Thursday 22/09/22 - The first "state"
Something is happening to me. I hope I'm not going crazy. I've decided to keep a diary!
I've been in a strange state of mind all day today. All my burdens have fallen away. I'm not thinking about the future. Accordingly, I don't feel like dealing with my tasks. After lunch, I just took a break, went in to the garden and read "Buddhism for Dummies". I was lying on the lounger and suddenly had a strange sensation of feeling my whole body at once. Clothes on my body, hair on my ears and air moving in my face. Head, torso and extremities at the same time. To be completely on the spot and present. It's hard to describe.
Then I closed my eyes and meditated metta... In the fourth phase I was pulled out because our dog was barking and chasing a squirrel. But I wasn't angry and was still filled to the brim with love. I tried to keep the state of presence. At that moment I realised why we practise metta meditation. So that we can experience this state even without meditation. So that we can pass on the love, which is my goal.
In the evening I went to the Buddhist centre. I didn't manage to do the metta meditation there. Aryajiva's lecture was very good. Every word resonated deeply with me, every sentence was filled with profound truth. Among other things, she spoke about "awareness". I stumbled across this word in a book a few days earlier, Googled it and still didn't understand it. But today I understood it very deeply because I was in that state during the talk. I even had tingling in my fingers.
When I got back home, I tried to explain to Peter, my husband, what was going on with me today, but I found it very difficult to describe. I can't really describe it here either. It was something extraordinary, something I'd never felt before. What was this state? I have to talk to Christel tomorrow. Will she understand me? I am so surprised that I have such experiences, even though I only came into contact with Buddhism a few months ago. Somehow I have the feeling that I already know the subject matter and just need to remember the details…
Friday 23.09.22 - The premonition
The whole thing scares me a little. If I keep going, my whole life will change. But I don't see any alternative. The time is now. There is no option to stand still.
Thanks to meditation, my perception of everyday life has become much more refined. I can feel the clothes on my body, the soles of my feet when I walk, etc. Today during meditation I found my heartbeat very interesting. I had never felt it so intensely before... (Looking back, the increased sensitivity was due to the awakening of the Kundalini).
I have come to the conclusion that spiritual evolution is possible with the help of any religion or even without religion. With Buddhism, however, the path is much easier because there is a practical guide.
Christel has shared a link with me: free Buddhist audio. You can find a guided meditation (also in German) in the menu bar under "Meditation". Which I immediately tried out. There is also a series of talks. In one lecture, an ordained person explains that practising Buddhism also works in everyday life and as a woman with children. That really motivated me. Because most days I only have one hour in the morning to myself, thanks to my discipline and getting up early.
Source:
https://www.freebuddhistaudio.com
Saturday, 24.09.22 - Meditation with focus
Today I experienced a beautiful Zen meditation with focus using the 7Mind app. I imagined a focus right in front of the tip of my nose and concentrated on it. It really helped me to stabilise my meditative state. My opinion is that the aim should not be to achieve a state of complete blankness, but rather to go on an inner search for information, to find a connection to the "infosphere".
I had this anxious thought again today: what will happen when I reach enlightenment? I'll probably be desperate to help other people awaken. Won't all this upset my life as it is now? What will happen to my commitments? On the other hand, maybe the commitments can't let me go on. I understand Buddha, who was able to get out of this conflict by going into the forest. He sacrificed his family, friends and royal duties for inner development.
These are probably just fears about the future. I should let them go, they don't make sense because the future doesn't exist in the here and now. Everything will develop automatically anyway, I don't have to worry about anything.
Monday, 26.09.22 - Siddhartha
Tonight it occurred to me that the connection to previous existences can possibly be established via feelings. For some reason this thing about past lives interests me. Do they really exist? You always hear some exciting stories... During my meditation, I focussed on my headache, hoping that I had experienced this feeling in a previous life. Nothing happened at all. At the end of the meditation I thought to myself: what a load of rubbish I'm dealing with here... In general, of course, I still lack the experience to meditate, I'm often superficial, I can't get in to it on my own. I meditate too briefly. But everything is developing.
The book "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse was recently mentioned in the Buddhist centre. I bought it straight away and devoured it in 3 days. Really moving. I’d never read Hesse before. Brilliant author. My Buddhist library is slowly growing. I recommended the book to Peter - my husband - and he liked it too. Unfortunately, he doesn't generally feel drawn to Buddhism or any other religion. He doesn't think he's spiritual enough and he doesn't feel the pressure to suffer. I really hope that my new passion won't harm our relationship.
Thursday, 29.09.22 - I'm learning to meditate
I'm learning to meditate. I'm currently doing the Intensive 3 Basics course with the 7mind app. The app is not really Buddhist, but rather aimed at people in general. But as long as I'm still learning... In my opinion, the meditations on the app are too short and there's too much chatter, so you only get a superficial understanding. Nevertheless, the app is not bad for the basics.
I have realised that sitting cross-legged is not suitable for me. My right hip is definitely rebelling. I bought a meditation bench, but my legs fall asleep that way. Had to keep giving it away. Gave up the ambition. Meditate at the centre on a seat and at home on a stool. Told myself - it's about the goal and not the journey.
I don't have enough time! I get up at 5 a.m. and it's still not enough. If it were up to me, I would spend the whole day meditating and reading Buddhist books. Maitreyabandhu's mindfulness course provides a lot of food for thought. I've bought a bunch of books. There are some for sale in the centre and I find it very hard to resist. Everything seems so interesting. I bought a book by Sanghrakshita (founder of Triratna). "Seeing the way things are". Uhrrr... The title alone gives me goose bumps. But quite complicated writing.
The fire that started two months ago has grown fiercer, blazing deep inside me. In August, I even woke up regularly at night and felt huge waves of joy rolling over me. Joy that I had found Buddhism. Indescribable! I’ve never experienced anything like it! I'm currently happier than I've ever been in my life; I finally feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. I have arrived. I am full of gratitude!
Have signed up for 3 more retreats: in December as part of the "Taste of Freedom" course, in February Carnival retreat "What Buddha could overcome, we can overcome". God! What a topic! And in June "Kum Nye Meditation". A meeting with Christel and Susanne is planned for the last retreat. It's funny: I've known Christel since 2019 and have never met her in person. Thanks to modern media 😉
Friday, 30.09.22 - Mindfulness course
I got into a good meditative state yesterday for the first time independently and without guidance. The question is, what next? I think I need a teacher. If one is to attain enlightenment in meditation, one should probably go deeper. I'm trying to finish the book "Metta Meditation" by Sharon Salzberg first. There is supposed to be an annual course at the centre soon. I really want to register for it. I've already asked Ratna. I just hope we don't have to recite any texts in Pali there... It seems to me that some of the Buddhist teachings are outdated. Yesterday we went through the cycle of rebirth in the centre, where the picture shows some blue demons with oversized ears. It's not contemporary at all... I mean, maybe the cycle of rebirth does exist. But it could be depicted in a modern way. Also, yesterday I was constantly thrown out of meditation by the repeated ringing. It wasn't such a happy and productive day at the meditation centre.
Christel suggested we form a study group and go through the book "Living in perfect mindfulness" together. I thought it was a great idea. Susanne is joining in, which makes me even happier. Apparently we've also infected her with Buddhism 😉 We've formed a small WhatsApp group and want to meet once a week via video call. What is possible these days thanks to modern media! Three women, 400 kilometres apart, learning together. Unthinkable in the days of the Buddha.
Sunday, 02.10.22 - Everything is burning
I feel different. I feel so collected and with myself. It's beautiful! I've been so happy lately that I even feel less suffering. I’m able to cushion some emotions well (not at work!). Today Vincent - my youngest son - was not well, he had no energy, lay on the floor and cried. In the past, I would have been gripped by fear for his future. Today I was able to react with love and cheer him up. But the excitement passed me by and I kept my good mood. Unbelievable. Something like that would have thrown me completely off course in the past.
Afterwards, he refused to go swimming with my husband and me. He lay curled up in bed under the covers and cried. I cried a little too, but the emotions weren't very deep. I'm so full of happiness that I don't mind at the moment. I suddenly feel like I can carry the baby and don't have to worry about my energy. It's indescribably beautiful. You just have to let the river of love flow through you. It's crazy!
In the evening...
I have to realise that I must have experienced such a "state" again today. It was much longer than on 22nd September, this time lasting several hours.
We made it to the swimming pool after all. I finished earlier than the two of them, sat on the bench in front of the pool and was in a good mood despite my previous exertions. A wonderful feeling of lightness...
The weather was really good. I enjoyed the sunshine, the blue sky, the grass and the trees around me. The grass was cut short and the bushes were neatly trimmed. I sat there and thought about love. For me, everything that lives is an expression of love, this energy that is everywhere and permeates everything. Why do people have to cut the grass? It's a complete fantasy. A crazy fad. An unnecessary waste of energy. From the insects' point of view, this turns the green areas into a desert: Nothing to eat, nowhere to hide. For me, it's a sign of "unlove". The tarmac is even worse: all sealed and hot. And those cars parked in the car park... They really are hostile to life...
At that moment, my perception must have changed. I suddenly "saw" how the grass and the trees and the swimming pool building started to flicker, like a mirage. Everything was moving somehow, everything was blurred, burning or flowing, it's hard to describe. In any case, it wasn't an optical illusion, because I saw at the same moment (with my own eyes) that all the objects were solid. And yet I perceived them as "burning" at the same time. Everything disintegrated before my eyes. The tarmac and the swimming pool building a little slower than the grass and the trees...
I sat there as if struck by a blow and didn't know what to think about it. It was simply amazing. Of course, we know that matter is not quite as stable as it seems. That atoms, electrons, protons, neutrons and other particles are not at rest. They are constantly vibrating, moving, flying away and swapping places. But the fact that you can perceive the instability of matter like this in broad daylight really blew me away. I wasn't worried, on the contrary, this "state" was very happy. The vision lasted maybe 15 minutes. When Peter and Vincent finally came out, I walked to the car weak kneed and couldn't make a sound the whole way home.
Now I miss this wonderful "state". I hope I don't get stuck with it. I promise myself that it won't be the last time. It was so great to feel being carried... I don't have to worry anymore, it will all happen automatically.
Wednesday, 05.10.22 - My self-confidence is growing
These 15-minute meditations with the app don't lead anywhere. No sooner have you reached the meditative state than you have to stop again. It's all well and good to practise a little. But I urgently need a teacher or a good book. Books are my teachers. I need time. In our house, you can only meditate undisturbed at night or early in the morning.
Today I came to the conclusion that I should go back to the memories of my early childhood, up to my birth, if I want to remember the even earlier times / earlier lives. However, the memories from childhood are very hazy. Eventually I had to stop this exercise because I had to go to work. Why can't I move to the forest?
In the evening…
I visited Vera's practice today. Just to see how things work in other practices. Her practice is quite large and runs well. Vera must be working hard. During the visit I came to an astonishing conclusion: I'm great! I have achieved so much! Many things that cause problems for others are no longer an issue for me at all. I am soooooo good! I've solved all my problems and even feel I've outgrown the successful Vera... Why did I always have such a low opinion of myself before?
(Looking back, this event was a turning point in terms of my self-assessment. My self-esteem grew steadily over the following months and reached its peak after the fourth shackle was removed).
But it has to be said: I was given everything. I was taken care of. I have the feeling that I was carried through my life. My mum made sure I had a good start in life. Of course, I also contributed to this myself. I was always very hard-working and worked a lot. And I lived according to my gut feeling from the very beginning and made a lot of instinctive decisions. In hindsight, they were the best decisions. I am so infinitely grateful for my life. I want to pass on my love and my energy.
I am convinced that I can achieve enlightenment. I want to achieve it for all the other people. To find an easy way so that as many people as possible can follow this path. This is the only way to put an end to the madness that currently prevails on our planet.
I have the feeling that people are just spreading negative energy everywhere at the moment. With all the things that seem commonplace to us: Industry, traffic, huge department stores... Does a healthy person really need thousands of different types of sweets? While another starves to death... Good food thrown away. This throwaway culture. Nothing is repaired. Mountains of rubbish grow. Exhaust fumes, noise, displacement of nature. Not to mention the destruction caused by wars. It's a world full of suffering. It's no wonder that people get ill. Half of my patients suffer from anxiety and depression. They come to me for help because they think their body is sick. Only in exceptional cases are people prepared to admit that the problem is more mental.
Metta meditation is incredibly powerful. I have started to recommend meditation to my patients. Unfortunately, I can't say: "Go to the Buddhist centre". But I do recommend metta meditation on YouTube. And yoga as a stretching exercise. Sometimes I get very good feedback. It makes me very happy. I have NEVER been so happy in my life!
Saturday, 08.10.22 - Three levels of knowledge
The first incredible joy has levelled off. Those waves of joy that flooded me when I came into contact with Buddhism. And yet there is no trace of the depression that I usually experience in autumn and winter. In fact, I completely forgot how I felt. One morning I was so tired that I slept on the sofa for an hour after meditating. I woke up with a pulling feeling of depression in my stomach and was shocked. I hadn't felt this feeling for three months. Is it the meditation that gives me so much pleasure? Is it the sleep that has cancelled out the effect of the meditation?
I remember the previous winter well. It was bad. Maybe I seemed fine on the outside, but I was just about managing on 2000 mg of St John's wort a day (double the daily dose) and a glass of wine almost every evening. Yes... I spent last winter numb rather than alive. Even my face felt numb by the end of January. What a comparison with my current state! Even though waves of joy no longer roll over me at night. I am full to the brim with energy and love. I want to radiate joy, embrace the whole world, do something good for all the people. I'm currently taking half a dose of St John's wort and don't dare stop taking it completely. As we all know, the dark season is not very suitable for this.
I was recently thinking about the levels of knowledge. In my opinion, there should be 3 different levels of knowledge.
1. in the first / upper level we are informed about something. Let's take the war in Ukraine. We know that there is a war there and sometimes we hear about it in the news. But basically it doesn't affect us. Only when flour and oil suddenly disappear from the supermarket.
2 In the second / middle level, we know a lot about this war. We read the news and watch programmes on TV. We know exactly why it has come to this and what the connections are. We can even predict how it will develop. Perhaps the war will affect us in some way. Perhaps we have acquaintances in Ukraine and are receiving news at first hand. Perhaps we have taken in refugees or donated something.
3. the third / deep level is a deep knowledge that is connected with strong emotions. Experiencing the war, existing in the midst of it. Our house is bombed, family members are dead and we are on the run. Such experiences change us. Yes. This knowledge is conveyed on such a level that it transforms us profoundly and forever.
It was precisely on this third level that I experienced "Alles brennt" (Everything is burning). I was right in the middle of it. I would say I was given direct knowledge.
Thursday, 13.10.22 - Corona
I'm in bed with Corona. Feel like I've been run over by a tractor. I've had three naps. Free from all duties for today. Read my Buddhist books and am happy. Skimming through five books at once, sometimes this, sometimes that, but everything overlaps and I feel deep truth in all of them. I am so glad that I now have a little time for myself and for reflection. Thank you so much for that! I'm keeping up my habit of meditating every day, even though I'm really ill today and my limbs are aching.
Monday, 17.10.22 - No monastery
I'm weak, ill and in bed for the fourth day in a row. Yesterday I was plagued by doubts. Suddenly my idea of enlightenment seemed so ridiculous and unattainable. To make matters worse, I didn't get to meditate either. This morning I was totally unhappy, moody, crying at every little thing and shouting at my children. Bothered Peter with it.
I have to say, I've often wondered recently whether my future path should lead me to a monastery. But I've just read about Buddhist monastic life in "Buddhism for Dummies" and felt like I've been blindsided. That really wouldn't be for me. I don't know why Buddha recommended monastic life. He was a well-known advocate of the middle way. No, no, no. It's not for me. Although I long for peace, seclusion and time for myself.
In the end, I thought to myself: don't feel compelled to do anything, Olga! I put my books to one side, watched a lot of TV and lazed around. But at the end of the day, the hopelessness and senselessness gripped me again, just like in the summer before I came to Buddhism. So, there aren't many alternatives. At the moment I'm still too weak to immerse myself in these inner discussions.
My meditation went really well today. That makes me happy. Practised "letting go" according to the mindfulness book by Maitreyabandhu.
Tuesday, 18.10.22 - The low point
I have the feeling that my world view has started to falter... Today I'm pretty gloomy and see everything as black. What a crazy, stupid, sick planet this is! What despicable creatures humans are. They haven't evolved since the Buddha was born, or indeed for 40,000 years. Most of them are busy doing exactly the same things as our brothers the apes: Eating, sleeping, mating and seizing power. It's collective madness and I don't want to identify with it! It all pisses me off. No purpose! No goal! No perspective! Nothing can save this civilisation. It will soon destroy its world and itself.
Sunday, 23.10.22 - I have support
Thank God I have my girls, Christel and Susanne! They are a source of comfort, support and information for me. We met again today in a video call to discuss the next chapter of Maitreyabandhu "Living in Perfect Mindfulness". The book is really cool. I grateful to the mindfulness exercises I am currently feeling my body WHOLE. In every moment. As on 22nd September, everything at the same time and constantly present. I don't know how I've managed not to feel my body for all these years. For years I only lived in my head... What valuable tips and how much food for thought the book gives! I bought another copy for my practice. I think I can recommend this book to anyone with a clear conscience. It is not only aimed at Buddhists. The author only mentions Buddha a few times.
I make the following recommendation to my patients: You can spend your life on an express train. You travel far, fast and comfortably. Unfortunately, the images in the window change so quickly that they merge together. And you can only catch a glimpse of a station at one stop. At some point, you reach your distant destination and realise that you've spent your whole life on the train... That's how I've lived so far. That's how a lot of people live these days. Modern life forces us to do it. We always have to function. We have to fulfil requirements. We have to perform. We are constantly under stress and time pressure. A never-ending list of tasks. Until we retire. And then we are old and possibly ill. No more strength to enjoy life.
But there is another way: on foot through the forest, possibly even barefoot. Be able to perceive everything: The scent of autumn leaves. Feeling raindrops on your skin. See mist rising from a pond. Sunshine through the treetops. The twittering of birds. A butterfly on your shoulder... Travelling slowly and achieving less than by train. Perhaps we don't need to achieve so much. We can't take anything with us in to the hereafter. We can only feel and sense. Now. Not in 20 years' time, when you're retired.
Maitreyabandhu's book shows us this path.
Monday, 24.10.22 - I Wonder
Yesterday Christel shared a poem with us: "I wonder" by Derek Tasker.
I was very moved by it. Here is the translation:
I wonder what would happen
If I treated everyone
As if I were in love with them
Whether I like them or not
And no matter what they say or do to me
And even if I see things in them
That are ugly, twisted, petty, cruel, vain, deceitful
The same, I just accept it all
And draw my attention
To a small, weak, tender, hidden part
And keep my eyes on it
Until it shines like a ray of light,
Like a fire I can warm my hands on
And trust
That it will burn away all the impurities and rubbish
That are not mine
And never have been.
Source:
https://meditationswithspirit.com/2019/05/20/wonder-a-poem-by-derek-tasker/
It is wonderful. It's what I feel. We humans are all made of the same stuff. Every person is a priceless jewel. I have always stayed away from judging people because everyone has a reason for their actions. I have never consciously thought anything bad about anyone. And I would love to love everyone, but unfortunately I'm still a long way from that…
Wednesday, 26.10.22 - A completely different goal
I'm slowly recovering from corona. During the illness I felt like I had no energy at all. Couldn't feel any love during metta meditation. Felt cut off from the flow of love. Now I'm gradually coming back into it. But I can still hear my own echo during meditation, as if in empty space. What are these phenomena? Today during meditation it occurred to me that we are all beings woven through with the energy of love. This energy is all around us, but also within us.
Perhaps this is why Buddha said that we should practise selflessness. We are one with the universe. During meditation, you listen to yourself and at the same time to the stream of love. That's how you get to the information field. This is how you gain insights and understand how things are. In principle, totally easy. Why are there no instructions for the process? Or where do you find them if there are? Is the guidance perhaps built into us, just like the access? And why are there so few enlightened people if it is so simple? Officially at least, you don't hear anything at all about people who have awakened. Probably because everyone is busy with some useless stuff instead of dealing with the most important thing in the world.
The conversation with Anna - a friend of mine - really upset me the other day. I couldn't sleep all night. What a typical example of delusion. From morning till night, she's busy with her job, the household and her three children. Sacrificing everything, not a single minute for herself. Chronically exhausted and worn-out. Doesn't even realise it because it's been the same for years. But when the children are grown up, she will eagerly start to occupy herself with the grandchildren. She suffers and complains incessantly. She feels that it can't be the meaning of life. But she carries on bravely because it is accepted and expected by society.
If Anna is asked whether she is suffering, she will answer in the negative, because according to the general rules, she should be happy. She and her family are healthy and intelligent, they have all the material goods they need. If she had taken some time for herself, she might have realised that there is something more than just parenting and raising children, buying a house and a car and going on holiday every year. There is a real goal to this existence. I can't even formulate this goal yet. But I can sense very clearly that it is something completely different.
I remember discussing this topic with Katja - another friend of mine – before I had my children. At the time, she was fully absorbed in her role as a mother and I asked her about the meaning of life. Katja smiled and said that I would understand the meaning of life when I had my own baby in my arms. But it didn't turn out to be true. I said to her a few years later that I was probably not a fly. I'm not here to reproduce... Thankfully she was able to laugh about it.
Thursday, 27.10.22 - Positive states of mind
There are so many thoughts that I want to hold on to. They all disappear so quickly. Corona has clearly set me back. I've lost the bigger picture and can only see a current section of the carpet. I continued to meditate during corona, at least in bed, but not at all for the last three days. You get out of practice very quickly. With regularity, you get in to it faster and the meditation is deeper and more successful. I'm currently struggling with something inside me to get up at five in the morning, as I used to do before my illness, to meditate, do yoga and read. I only manage it by the skin of my teeth. Today is the fourth day. I was proud of myself and eager to get up in the morning. Now I'm looking for this "me" again. I'm afraid of losing this identity.
I recently worked through the chapter "Mind" in the book "Living in perfect mindfulness". It's clear that this morning ritual of meditation, yoga and reading evokes a strong positive state of mind in me that I wouldn't otherwise be able to trigger at any other time of day. I would never have thought that you could recharge yourself with positive energy like this! I was always such a groundhog. How often Peter had to drag me out of bed in the morning! I was in a daze all morning at work and only woke up at around 11am. Now I'm so energised, after yoga and showering I rush into the bedroom, jump on the bed, make jokes and am ready to sing and dance. I don't understand why meditation and yoga are not taught from childhood! It's practically unknown in our western circles. What a loss!
Friday, 28.10.22 - The power of the Sangha
I was back at the Buddhist centre yesterday for the introductory evening. Thank God I was able to find the strength for it. Three weeks off. At the moment I'm still very weak, get tired quickly, take a nap every day. Yesterday was about Sangharakshita, the founder of Triratna, his life story and the fourth anniversary of his death on Sunday. I came home very inspired. This morning there were no discussions with myself about getting up in the morning. I am very happy. Feel the fire again. You really need the Sangha - the Buddhist community.
Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to make personal contact at the centre. Every time there are new people that I don't know. I'm waiting for the second part of the course on 9th November because I need more input! I haven't read much this week.
Sunday 30.10.22 - First feelings of alienation
I don't know anything about awakening, but I can imagine that it's a slow process. And I clearly have the feeling that I'm on my way. Will I be able to reach the final stage? And when? In this lifetime? At the moment, answers are coming to me regularly, if not constantly. I just have to ask the questions... The problem is that at a certain stage of development you can only ask certain questions. Because if the answers come without the question having been asked first, they are not understood and not accepted. I need a teacher. It's very complicated on your own.
I have a strange feeling right now. I'm writing in my diary and I have a very intense feeling that this arm with the green sleeve and the hand holding the blue pen don't belong to me. It's definitely not my hand! However, neither is the other hand. Hmmm. I've never experienced anything like this before. As if this body were alien to me. I would describe it as a feeling of alienation.
It really is very strange. I look out of these eyes through these glasses like I'm looking through two peepholes. I'm in here! I can control this body! It does what I want! It's a great feeling!
In the evening…
I had a lot of fun all day with this new feeling. It was so funny to bring the food to my mouth with someone else's hand. As if I was feeding this body. But I was definitely not feeding myself! I understand that it's not normal. Something like that really is a mental disorder. But it still amused me. Maybe that's why I'm not worried, because I'm so flooded with happiness hormones. There's no room for anxiety in the brain.
Just now, however, while brushing my teeth, I happened to look at myself in the mirror. A strong shiver ran down my spine: I thought it was a stranger in the bathroom! Until I realised that I was looking at my own reflection. At this point, my breath caught in my throat - oh, that's what I look like! I stood there and stared at myself in the mirror for several minutes. I had the feeling that I had never seen this person before. And at the same time, my mind told me that it was me... My hair is like this! My teeth are like this! This is what my eyes look like! I never realised that my irises had a light brown border.
That was really awesome. Better go to sleep now. Or put this body to bed - whatever...
Monday, 31.10.22 - Contact with a medium
Yesterday's events gave me a lot to think about. Is everything all right with me? I urgently need to speak to someone at the centre!!! I even dug out my old psychiatry textbook and skimmed through the most important illnesses. Psychosis? Schizophrenia? Hallucinations? Nothing really fits.
Yesterday I told Peter about my experience as a teenager with a medium in Russia. I was about 20 years old at the time. My mum and I were visiting one of her former fellow students. According to him, he was experimenting with energies and wanted to show us something. He put my mum in the middle of the room, stood behind her back and moved his hands around her without touching her. After a while, she started swaying to match his hand movements. It was really amazing.
After fifteen minutes, it was my turn. I can still remember feeling this man with my back. I perceived his energy or his aura or something else as a cosy warmth, very subtle. And somehow it pulled me sometimes to the right, sometimes to the left. After about 10 minutes, I think he wanted me to turn round.  When I started to sway and lost my balance, he stopped. That was my only contact with something supernatural. A pleasant and strange event, and yet I quickly forgot about it. Why do I suddenly remember it now? Did this man activate something in me that had been dormant until now? Unfortunately, I can no longer ask him. He took his own life some time later.
Yesterday I went to the cemetery with mum to visit grandad. The weather was beautiful, we took a short walk through the cemetery park, the leaves were falling and I had a very clear, subtle feeling of happiness. Much more subtle than the other perceptions you are flooded with in everyday life here.
This understanding of subtlety occurred to me just before I fell asleep. I need to consistently reduce my input so that the subtle perceptions don't pass me by. Unfortunately, I can't go into the forest. But during the coronavirus pandemic, I spent hours watching TV and clearly felt like a fly caught in a spider's web. You spend the whole evening zapping through the channels and at the end you can't remember what you were watching, your mind is foggy. Terrible. The television is probably a devil's invention. I've decided not to use it any more. I'm about to hide the remote controls so that I'm reminded of my decision. I want to expand my capacity for subtle perception.
Tuesday, 01.11.22 - The talisman
For a few days now, I have had an urgent desire to wrap a red thread around my left wrist. I can't explain this wish. I found a friendship bracelet that Vincent once braided for me and wrapped it around my wrist. It's not quite red, but red and black, but it probably is. I found this wish so strange. Something like that never used to happen to me.
I later googled what a red thread around the left wrist could mean. The internet says it's for protection from evil spirits 😉 Is there something from a past life shining through? I've never been superstitious...
Saturday, 05.11.22 – Nothing
I realise that no two meditations are the same. This morning I had a wonderful deep meditation. The whole day was wonderful afterwards! What a difference morning meditation can make! The day is steered in a certain direction and runs completely differently.
I have learnt to get into meditation quickly. Scanning the body as an introduction is all well and good, but I often get distracted and it takes too long. When I'm in a suitable state of mind, I can simply close my eyes, feel WHOLE and immerse myself. To switch off distracting thoughts, I concentrate on the tip of my nose and imagine a white, empty sky.
Today I experienced something special. I suddenly found myself in front of a boundless "room". I was curious and went in. The room was probably not empty... But at the same time there was nothing in it... There were no boundaries, it was everywhere... What is this "grey" substance? I can't change it. It's a nice feeling to be here... But I feel very alone. Nothing is happening. I can't move because there are no points of reference... There is nothing, and at the same time this nothingness is something present...
It was a very strange experience.
My states of mindfulness are gradually increasing. Whilst cycling today, I felt my whole body and the bike as a part of me for the first time. It was amazing. I was united with a metal frame! Cycling was suddenly so easy.
While playing the piano, I suddenly perceived myself completely differently. I saw myself from the outside as a warm-blooded being with four extremities sitting on a piece of wood and manipulating a wooden construction. Air vibrations are generated that are harmoniously arranged in relation to each other and release happiness hormones in the being's brain... It's a long description, but the perception only lasted a few seconds. Like an image that suddenly appears in the brain. What is all this? A change in consciousness? Hopefully not a disturbance of consciousness...
I wanted to talk to Ratna about my "states" on Thursday. Unfortunately it didn't work out. Perhaps it would be better if I made an appointment with her. I would love to talk to someone and at the same time I'm afraid of someone else's judgement. In principle, I don't have to accept someone else's opinion. I have my own truth. I would very much like to talk to someone who has more experience with the matter. Where can you find an awakened person? Are there any at the centre? The second part of the "Taste of Freedom" course starts next week. Perhaps I can then exchange ideas with Ratna or another experienced person.
And: I have to take my studies seriously. That's what I'm going to call reading Buddhist literature every day. Because that's how I emphasise the importance of the process. That's how you find time. Other things are not considered important. The TV thing hasn't really worked yet, as Vincent and I are finishing watching Harry Potter films. So the changeover will probably take a few more days. After that, I'll hide the remote controls. I promise.
Tuesday, 08.11.22 - Intoxication of life
On Sunday we went to a big birthday party. Somehow I see things differently than I used to these days. What is the point of this gathering? Food? But half of the guests urgently need a diet! You could hardly have a conversation over the loud music. On top of that, we were sitting opposite a couple we didn't know. I came home totally annoyed and very sorry for the wasted time. I would have preferred to have stayed at home and occupied myself with my Buddhist reading.
I feel really numb from all of this. At the moment, I notice very strongly when the external impressions become too much for me. I can't feel my body at such times. And that has become much more important to me than the outside world. In this sense, I can understand monks.
Yesterday I was sitting in the kitchen at work and a thought occurred to me: life intoxicates us like a drug. There are far too many impressions. And we accept it as if it were normal. When does a modern person have nothing to do, so that they can just sit quietly and look at the clouds? Most people are so used to the continuous flow of information that the interruption is perceived as painful, even if it is only for a few minutes.
Most people are so busy that they don't get round to the most important thing: inner development. Many are workaholics or too busy with their children and family. Sport. Hobbies. Household chores. Not to mention the obvious drugs, such as media, games, food, shopping and other rubbish. Collecting beer mats 😉... Buddha said we should let go of craving. Did he perhaps mean that we should achieve abstinence in order to be able to think clearly again? Is that the message? Is that the path to enlightenment?
This thought only found its way to me because I gave up the comedy show that I usually watch during my lunch break. That's what Maitreyabandhu recommended. Media is a very, very, very powerful drug that distracts and befuddles the mind. In the evening I started "The Journey and the Guide" by Maitreyabandhu and felt confirmed in my realisation.
Oh, and perhaps we are born again and again because we want to experience the thrill of life anew. But if you distance yourself from it, you can hope for redemption.
Saturday, 12.11.22 - "States" full of happiness
I think that various insights have been given to me throughout my life. From my youth onwards. At least I can remember the age of 12 or 13 when I had my first profound thoughts. Now that I meditate daily, the deep thoughts come like an avalanche. Apparently my brain function is changing. Today, yesterday and the day before yesterday I experienced this "state" again, more so in the evening hours. This has given me an extraordinary feeling of happiness that I have never felt before.
I realised for the first time that authentic happiness is not an empty word. I realised that all of these books about Buddhism are not telling fairy tales. They are actually filled with deep truth. The secret of Buddhism is probably this deep feeling of happiness. Love. Somehow, general phrases like: "Love yourself" have never found harmony in me. But now, when I read any Buddhist book, my whole inside vibrates. I think that's why these states of altered consciousness set in, through meditation and reading.
Sunday, 13.11.22 - My own guide to meditation
This morning I experienced a wonderful meditation, simply incredible. So much happiness! I have now made my own instructions :-)
1. It's very helpful for me to be in a good frame of mind; to be relaxed like before a holiday, but not to have high expectations. I sit down and first see if I can find something beautiful in the room or in the window. It works better with higher vibrations 😉
2. It's essential to take a few minutes, sit quietly, let all thoughts flow out and calm down. This makes morning meditation easier - your head is still relatively empty.
3. Sitting position is not so important. It would be nice to sit so that your legs don't fall asleep. I sit on the stool because of my hips and lean my back against it, so there is less tension. Don't lie down. Otherwise there is a risk of falling asleep. Our aim is not to sleep, but to meditate.
4. Gong. Feel your body: feet, lower legs, knees, thighs, hips, pelvis, lower part of the spine, upper part of the spine, neck, shoulders, upper arms, lower arms, hands, fingers, throat, neck, head, hair on the ears, face, eyes, nose, lips, another round of face, breathe in, let tension flow away, come to the lower abdomen, observe breathing there, feel how the energy is distributed throughout the body with each breath. (Or to feel myself completely at once, it saves time)
5. After this round, feel the body completely. Now focus. I choose the focus point directly in front of my nose, about 10 cm from my face. Visualise the focus and look there. Feel the breath on your nostrils, possibly start counting.
6. At some point there comes a moment when I notice my thoughts - the "divine moment" - you think about your thoughts. I am always happy about this moment. Smile at the thoughts and let them drift away like the clouds in the sky. Seeing a completely clear sky. Not a single cloud. An empty white space.
7. Just be there. Expecting nothing. Beautiful...
8. Feel the warmth rising in the centre of your body, a very pleasant feeling. Smile at yourself, relax your facial features.
9. Be there. Wonderful.
10. If it goes well, you won't want to leave. You could sit there for an eternity and be happy. Thoughts flow very slowly.
11. Remain seated for a while after the gong, savour the experience. Feel how the meditative state flows away. Thank you, universe!
This morning I was reading "Seeing the way things are" by Sangharakshita and came across the term "Sunyata". Had to Google it. Quote Wikipedia: ‘Shunyata (Sanskritशून्यता IAST śūnyatā), in German usually emptiness, is a central concept of Buddhism. It means, very roughly outlined, that all phenomena - since they are connected by mutual interdependence - are without a permanent essence or without substance, essence or "self-existence".’ Reading this Wikipedia entry, I had the realisation that I understand this very deeply, on a completely different level. This is what it's like when I see everything around me on fire.... I get excited. Is that the Sunyata vision? It can't be that people knew this thousands of years ago. Why is this knowledge totally unknown? I feel very close to the surface, like a water lily in a pond.
Monday, 14.11.22 - Love, the universal energy
It is a very intense time. I have had intense times in my life before, but they have all taken place in the outside world. I have never experienced anything like this in my inner world (without any visible influence from the outside world). An alternation of storm, sun, wind, lightning and silence. Some kind of process inside me that I don't understand and can't describe. I've just read through the last two days from my diary and I realise - you can't read the tension that exists between the lines. It's very difficult to express.
I felt weak yesterday and wanted to be alone. Felt the longing so strongly again. At some point I ended up on the sofa, imagined my inner self, spread my "wings" and some kind of process started. Half meditative... I had the feeling that something wanted to come out, like a bubble that rose up from my chest over my head and dissolved into the air. I also felt a slight warmth and burning sensation in my chest and face. I'm probably writing rubbish here. In any case, afterwards I felt very satisfied, peaceful, happy, even dozed off until mum came.
I have the feeling that some phase has been completed, something has been released in me. Daniela from the Buddhist centre once mentioned "releasing blockages". Was it perhaps something like that? I've felt completely different since that afternoon. So light and easy and carefree. Fenja has just come to visit us for a few days and normally this is a time of inner constriction for me. But from then on I was very open and peaceful.
In the evening, I had the idea of looking for a letter from Albert Einstein to his daughter. As a child, I still visualised a world view that everything in the universe was created by love. In my opinion, love is the basic energy of the universe, very powerful, all-pervading, completely unknown. We know the term "love" but do not understand its cosmic meaning. Love is all around us. Especially in living matter, it is easy to feel. In every leaf and in every ant. But also the sun's rays. Air. Water. Gravity. Simply everything. Everything is permeated by love and everything is held together by love. By this wonderful energy. Its most important quality is connection. That was and is my conviction.
A few years ago, I came across the letter on the internet that Albert Einstein is said to have written to his daughter. I was shocked that Einstein was exactly of the same "stupid" opinion as myself. Yesterday I remembered it, searched the internet and found it again. I sent the letter like a virus to as many contacts as possible. But only two or three replies came back. People are more interested in cat videos than the basic principles of the universe 😉
Albert Einstein on love - Letter to his daughter Lieserl
“When I proposed the theory of relativity, very few people understood me, and what I am writing to you now will also meet with misunderstanding and prejudice in the world. Nevertheless, I ask you to protect this for all the time that is necessary. Years, decades, until society is advanced enough to accept what I am going to explain to you here
There is an extremely powerful force for which science has not yet found a formula. It is a force that contains all others, regulates them and is even behind every phenomenon that is active in the universe and has not yet been identified by us.
This universal force is LOVE.
When scientists have sought a unified theory of the universe, they have so far forgotten this invisible and most powerful of all forces.
Love is light because it enlightens the one who sends and receives it. Love is gravity because it makes some people feel attracted to others. Love is power because it multiplies the best we have and does not allow humanity to be extinguished by its blind selfishness. Love shows and reveals. Through love one lives and dies. Love is God and God is love.
This power explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, perhaps because we are afraid of love. After all, it is the only power in the universe that man cannot control according to his will. To visualise love, I have used one of my most famous equations. If, instead of E = mc2, we accept the energy to heal the world through love, multiplied by the speed of light squared; we can come to the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is. Because it has no limits.
...After humanity's failure to harness and control the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is imperative that we feed on a different kind of energy. If we want our species to survive, if we want to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and all the sentient beings that inhabit it, love is the only and the ultimate answer.
Perhaps we are not yet ready to build a bomb of love, an artefact powerful enough to destroy all the hate, selfishness and greed that plague the planet. However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released. When we learn, dear Lieserl, to give and receive this universal energy, we will find that love overcomes everything, transcends everything and can do everything, because love is the quintessence of life…
I deeply regret not having been able to express what my heart contains: all my life it has been beating quietly for you. Perhaps it is now too late to apologise, but since time is relative, I must at least tell you now that I love you and that it is through you that I have come to the final answer.
Your father, Albert Einstein "
Source:
https://kirche-und-gesellschaft.drs.de/fileadmin/user_files/122/Bilder/Bilder_FB_Theologie/Wortpoesie/Albert_Einstein_ueber_die_Liebe.pdf
I drove to work this morning as a different person. God, I've never been so happy in my life. I'm so grateful that I can experience all this. I felt completely different about my work today. Gave my patients as much love as I could. During my lunch break, I was warmed by the thought that we humans were perhaps meant to be little love generators. Einstein wrote that it might be possible to build a love bomb, but he overlooked the fact that such bombs already exist. Buddha was such an "atomic bomb", but there were, there are and there will be thousands and thousands of smaller bombs that dissolve hate, greed and ignorance with love waves. Perhaps I am one of these generators. So why do I focus so often on negative feelings? I just want to radiate pure love!
Tuesday, 15.11.22 - So many great books and so little time!
I came across a great website this morning - Yogawiki. Tried out a stretching meditation. Wonderful. I immediately recommended the site to my girls, Christel and Susanne. There is so much information on the internet just waiting for us! I believe that the free availability of information will finally allow humanity to make the quantitative leap in mental development.
Christel regularly provides me with sources of information. Her latest recommendation: Eckhard Tolle "Inner Awakening and a Life in NOW". I've read a little about it. It's amazing. Has the author awakened? When am I supposed to read all this? Besides, there really are reports from awakened people. You just don't know if they're true. Christel recommends "Everyday Enlightenment" by Sally Bongers. The book "The Experience of Cosmic Consciousness" by R. M. Bucke is also supposed to be good. I feel like a gourmet being offered twenty different delicacies. But unfortunately he can't try them. No opportunity - too little time. Sits there and drools 😉
Wednesday, 16.11.22 - The union
06: 45. I have just experienced a powerful meditation. My knees and hands are even shaking.
I continue to practise meditating according to my own instructions. This morning I remembered the last meditation that Anissita led so well that the “state" set in for me that very evening. But it is actually ME who controls my body. With this in mind, I sat down on my meditation stool and switched on a silent meditation for 30 minutes on the 7Mind app.
As always, I first went through the body / skin sensations and then meditated on "Visualising the breath", as I learnt at the centre. But this time I listened to my own voice, as if someone was reading the text to me. As a physical sensation, I focussed on the tip of my nose, which was cold.
I was able to immerse myself deeply in meditation and thought about how much I would like to help other people. That people fight like children in a sandpit. That we should all change so that peace could finally reign on earth. Then I was thinking about acceptance and non-attachment, and Harry Potter came to mind. He wanted to find the Philosopher's Stone but didn't cling to it, which is why he did it. And another thing: Hermione fell through the plants that would otherwise have suffocated her because she had accepted the plants, she didn't fight back. She had the knowledge! That's the solution to all conflicts. For everyone. Accept everything with love and don't be afraid to change...
Something happened at this thought. Suddenly I perceived something in my immediate vicinity. As if a large being had stepped out of nowhere and at the same time pulled something - a bell or a smaller being (?) over my head. It was the feeling of an external influence. And then it stepped back into nothingness again. Everything happened within a second. My limbs became paralysed, I found it hard to catch my breath, even though I was breathing free and deeply. A deep muscle relaxation? Cosy warmth, feeling of change, fear, doubt, joy, acceptance, I wanted it! But at that moment I had to swallow and fell out of meditation.
I have to go to work now, time is running out, but I'm so overwhelmed and excited that I want to put it in writing quickly. I'm still shaking. Madness. Really crazy. Don't have any self-doubt now. It's my path. I am so infinitely grateful.
In the evening:
After work, I meditated again. I managed a deep contemplation, but this time nothing special happened. I analysed what was different: I didn't think about helping other people during the meditation. Later, while reading the KV booklet, I felt a warmth in my entire abdomen that spread to my legs. I closed my eyes and sank into the meditation. This time I thought about helping other people. At the end of the meditation, I felt a great sense of satisfaction. This feeling of satisfaction had not materialised this morning. As if an important process had now been completed. Mission complete ;-)))))
Thursday, 17.11.22 - Exploring the world anew. Gratitude exercise
I was finally able to speak to Ratna yesterday. She was very gentle with me and I am very grateful to her for that. She didn't use any unfamiliar terms, but listened attentively. She was also familiar with the alienation I was feeling; it had also happened to her in times of change. She advised me to press both feet firmly into the ground and read less. Good, I'll give it a try. But I can't promise that I will read less. Because I still know too little and want to understand the teachings. Today I'm almost back to normal. I think that the "state" is somewhere deep inside me, it has become a part of me. I can feel it when I'm alone, for example on the toilet ;-)))))))
Meditating twice a day definitely doesn't work. When I come home from work, I'm so busy with my family that I fall dead in to bed at 10.00 pm... But apparently even this 15-20 minute morning meditation is enough. The "states" are lasting longer and longer. The last "state" lasted a total of 5 days.
My communication with my humans has become so easy. I don't have to think much, just feel. The right words come all by themselves. That's what I've always wanted! Just listening to the other person and empathising. My God. I am so overflowing with happiness and gratitude. I want to share my happiness with everyone. Maybe this is the happiness bomb that Albert Einstein talked about. My love generator has awoken. Just thinking about it makes my tummy warm. Is the generator in there? 😉
Yesterday at the meditation centre, we filled out a thank you note. You should write down all the people you are grateful to. It's amazing, but in everyday life you don't think about the people who may have saved your life (in my case, I would definitely have died at least four times: drowned twice, died once from osteomyelitis and once from an abdominal pregnancy. And God knows how many times I would have died from a middle ear infection without my mum, doctors and antibiotics).
In addition, such an exercise makes you realise that you cannot survive on your own. From birth, you are supported by your fellow human beings and by society. How many people have looked after your well-being... It's impossible to keep track. I have at least written the names of the people I know and remember on the piece of paper. Today I sent a picture of the note to everyone I'm still in contact with via WhatsApp with an accompanying message of thanks. There were some lovely responses. My cousin later told me that I had made my aunt cry.
In the evening...
Whilst walking the dog today, I had some unusual feelings. Everything suddenly seemed so new to me. I looked at the leaves at my feet as if I had never seen them before in my life. Something completely new and never felt before. I stopped at one point and couldn't move. I stared at these leaves for about five minutes. What beauty, these red autumn leaves! The mind tries to find an explanation for these emotions. After all, I see autumn leaves every year... I have the feeling that a part of me is new and wondering about everything. This part that was added yesterday ;-)
Now I suddenly understand my role in the family. My relationships with family members are probably not ideal. I need to improve them quickly. Why these conflicts? It's so nice to love people! My fellow human beings will certainly benefit from my new state. They are right at the source ;-)
I bought the two books about the enlightened woman that Christel recommended, took a quick look and put them on the shelf. I realised immediately that the stories were true, just from the choice of words. Everything vibrated inside me. And - I still don't want to read them. I want to experience everything in my own way. Ratna also recommended that.
A little later still...
I'm mentally so excited and so wide awake, but physically totally exhausted. I've felt very tired since yesterday. This story is really exhausting me. I'm only doing the bare minimum at the moment. There's a lot of lying around, I'm not itching. I haven't done any video consultations for a fortnight.
I suspect that when you awaken you go through different states one after the other. I may have reached some stage yesterday. Today, during the day, I realised several times / felt differently / paused when I caught myself in the little everyday lies. In the past, I wouldn't even have noticed. I'm used to smoothing everything over. Today I thought to myself: I don't need to do that! You can keep quiet if you don't want to tell the truth. Or steer the conversation in the other direction.
I was just reading "Refuge and Resolutions" from the Puja booklet and the words "I resolve to stop taking life" stirred something in me. Eggs are also alive. I still eat eggs and cheese... I need to rethink this one.
Still today, midnight...
I'm so happy that I'm well structured and have a diary. It's helping me enormously right now. It's hard going. I woke up because the process continued in my sleep. It was almost unbearable, as if my chest would burst, I even had difficulty breathing. I thought of Ratna, but wasn't sure if I should write to her, opened the mailbox and saw an email from her. I was so happy! I wrote to her asking her to hold me.
I'm sitting on the sofa in the living room, the whole house is asleep, but something is boiling inside me. Right now I have the feeling that it's going to knock me over? Throws me over? Take me with it? Like a tornado. I just had to cry, I'm emotional. How can I describe it? Something is happening to me that I can't exactly define. Some kind of reorganisation process. I could never have imagined that something like this could happen. Oh yes, and time is running strangely at the moment. I mean my personal perception of time, of course. I've just had to think about when I spoke to Ratna; emotionally a month ago. That was last night. Press your feet firmly on the floor, she said.
I have no idea how I'm going to get to work tomorrow.
Friday, 18.11.22 - Cleansing process underway
Could not sleep well. Brain works incessantly. Have to check lots of values, rescale everything. Took two pens from the surgery last week, will return them straight away. Feel uncomfortable, although they are a promotional gift and one third of my property. But they weren't given to me. Buddhists say: I don't take what wasn't given to me. Must learn to ask.
Saturday, 19.11.22 - Spiritual nourishment. The "states" are getting deeper
Calm has returned today. I am very exhausted. I need to recharge and have a quiet weekend. I think this wave was triggered by meditating several times on Wednesday. I have become so sensitive or delicate. I cringe at the slightest noise, like the ticking of a clock. Constant stream of thoughts. I haven't used any media for over a week, which means no TV, no internet, just YouTube for yoga in the morning. I even switch off the car radio because it's all too much for me.
God, strange thoughts come into my head. The feeling that a part of me is new, which was added on Wednesday. I see everything anew, probably through his eyes. It’s as if I've never seen the ordinary objects around me... Sex is completely different. New sleeping position. I have to explain to myself in the shower what the breasts are for. This being all pure, hence all the thoughts at the moment, all the moral stuff I haven't thought about for years. I think the new part will soon merge with the old me. Hopefully the old me will become purer as a result. I would like to consciously support it.
Just stood in the shower and thought about it. We cleanse our body every day and parts of it several times a day. But when do we cleanse the mind? It's a unique opportunity for me right now. I have to take advantage of it. Crazy thought, isn't it? All the thoughts in the last two months are crazy. I don't feel crazy though. Just very absorbed in myself. I'm currently reflecting on my thoughts every free minute, continuously actually. Suddenly I have a lot more time than before. You just have to feel something is important and you'll find the time for it.
What do we know about life? I think the Buddha's statement "knowing how things really are" refers more to living matter. Buddha certainly didn't mean the structure of the universe. Or other dead matter. Perhaps he didn't mean material substance either. Perhaps I will also gain access to this knowledge at some point. That would be great. Maybe the access is inside me. Just closed at the moment.
Perhaps the mind consists of several parts. Perhaps people have different numbers of parts. Maybe it would explain the difference between people. I feel very clearly that some people contain less. They are not wise. Although these people are sometimes very intelligent and educated. Others are naturally wise despite their lack of education. Where does that come from? Perhaps a part of the soul is missing in murderers and other criminals. Or several parts. Perhaps that is what is meant by: "He is simply structured". Of course, there are many factors, including childhood trauma etc., lack of love. Maybe I'm slowly beginning to understand the world after all ;-)
Wow, it comes in waves! A wave is coming over me again right now. Right down to the tips of my toes. There was nothing yesterday. Eureka! I didn't get into the meditative state yesterday morning. I was too busy thinking. I made up for it by meditating at lunchtime in the practice, but the effect didn't materialise. So, morning meditation!!! My opinion is: together with the mindfulness course, the meditation triggered a liberation process in me.
Later the same day...
I would so like to use the "states" to explore myself and the world. But I can't find a way to be alone. I've even considered going to a hotel at the weekend... The desire to be alone is almost painful.
I usually feel the "state" more strongly in the evening (or am I less distracted in the evening?) Today it came two to three hours after my meditation. The first thing I felt was a rising feeling of happiness. Like a warm wave of dopamine that floods the body and the brain. Vastness. Looseness. I laugh without stopping. Today I feel intoxicated again, as if under the influence of alcohol. I'm very unfocussed, I left the cooker on, didn't hear Peter several times, unpacked my bag for swimming three times because I immediately forgot what I had packed. I even have to watch my balance today, like drunk! Dangerous. Cycling, very dangerous! The intoxication gets stronger when the inner happiness is joined by happiness on the outside: from cycling, from the cold air, from the pleasant conversation…
I met with Maria today - a Ukrainian girl who has been living with us for a few months. I hope I didn't scare her with my weird / detached state and my recommendation to meditate. The conversation is totally simple: if someone says A, I talk about topic A. If someone says B, I talk about B. I don't have to search for topics. I try to listen and say something useful. I'm very practised with my patients. I hope I was able to give Maria a lot of information this way. Today we tackled several problems. It's fun. It's just a shame that I would prefer to be alone at the moment and it's difficult.
Another interesting thing: I need very little food at the moment. My interest in food has practically disappeared. I'm rarely hungry anyway. But the fact that my desire to eat has disappeared has never happened to me before. Well, maybe I can lose a few pounds. It won't do me any harm.
I have this feeling of alienation again. My hands look so strange. Not as strong as last time. I fed myself. 😅 It's funny to see how the hands hand the food to the face. 🤣🤣🤣 Oven roasted carrots have such a unique flavour, especially when you press them to your lips. Never realised what they smelled like. Olives eaten. Oh my god, what an interesting flavour! A whole bouquet of sensations. Had to name the food: Olives. 😅 Carrots. 😅 Relearn everything.
I'm useless at the moment. I'm so preoccupied with myself. I can't see things that are right in front of me, I can't hear anything. I have so many things to think about, practically everything! One thing after another. It's difficult to see everything anew. You have to reassess some things. I want to eat vegan from now on. You can look for alternatives. Olives are great!
Later in bed...
My God, Peter is watching some rubbish about superheroes and monsters again. What crap most people are sucking up. Media consumption... There's so much talk about food. Some people only eat vegan or organic food. GMO-free. FOODMAP. Lactose-free. High in fibre. Gluten-free. Enriched with vitamins. Iodised salt. Water is filtered. No added sugar. Protein shakes. Wholemeal pasta... And who cares about their mental and spiritual nutrition? You randomly take what's available. As if you were eating out of a dustbin.
What information starts to poison us from infancy. This film production. This news. Talk shows completely devoid of intellect and morals. THE ADVERTISING... THE INTERNET... THE PC GAMES!!!... Some animated films are so full of violence that they harm children worse than porn videos.... And this stream is uninterrupted. From morning to night, completely toxic and energy-sapping, it holds humanity firmly in its grip and doesn't let anyone look around them. Let alone look inside themselves.
No wonder mental health problems are above average in this country. An estimated 50% of my patients have a healthy body. And yet they feel ill. They go from one doctor to the next. But all the problems are in their heads. Depression, anxiety, social phobias, media addiction... The list is very long. I was trained as a doctor for the body and have mutated into a mind doctor.
The worst thing is - almost everyone is blinded. I can shake the air just as well as a fan. Nobody hears me. I can't hear the sentence any more: "I want to have an MRI because I'm scared". But an MRI is not a cure for anxiety! Why don't people want to deal with their psyche? It's so sad. I would love to be able to change it. If I was a love bomb like the Buddha, maybe I could have made a difference. It's my greatest wish. Maybe this process will bring something. I'm already on my way. I want to go further.
Sunday, 20.11.22 - Equanimity. Building the soul.
So, this much is certain: The "states" are reproducible. I can choose for myself whether I want them and if so, I have to meditate. Yesterday, the "state" left me so exhausted that I decided to spend a quiet, normal day today. The "states" really knock me out of my daily routine. I'm leaving everything behind, only doing the bare minimum, eating the simplest things without doing much cooking. The cleaning lady and mum take care of everything. But it doesn't work in the long term. It's hard to fall asleep in the evening after such a day. Thoughts come flooding back, and I try to write down as much as possible with the idea that it might be useful to someone. I layed in bed for over an hour last night, promised myself I wouldn't write in the diary again, just jotted down my thoughts briefly on a piece of paper. So many new impressions, I feel like a newborn. The flood of different information exhausts me completely.
When I read Buddhist books, some things from the teachings feel very familiar. As if I just have to remember them. In the 'Taste of Freedom' course on Wednesday, we discussed equanimity. I can understand so well what that means. I usually feel pity when I see a beggar on the street. I can almost physically feel their humiliation. But yesterday was different. The "state" was high. I was in the pedestrian zone opposite the main railway station and saw a poor person sitting on the ground in the cold. I gave him money, but this time I didn't feel pity. I had a great feeling of sharing love. A quick look in the eye. A loving contact with the person. It was completely different to usual. It was great. I wanted to help, but I didn't suffer. Is it equanimity?
I recently had a wonderful dream about an aquarium. Fish / water have been a recurring dream of mine for years. The first time I consciously realised it was before my wedding. This week I dreamt about the best aquarium ever: In the dream I was in a shopping centre, the aquarium there was several storeys high, water completely clear, transparent. Fish the size of the palm of my hand, lively, doing tricks, diving from the surface all the way down and jumping up again. Beautiful. Could it be that this dream reflects my state of mind? Well, now it's getting esoteric.
One thought keeps my mind occupied: there must be countless enlightened people in the world! These people would perhaps not describe themselves as such. But they must exist without end, just like the inhabited worlds in the universe :-)
Later the same day...
I treated myself to a bath. I wanted to show the new part something different :-) and was tense. I lay in the warm water and watched the foam bubbles on the surface. There were small and large bubbles, bubble constellations and a whole mountain of foam at my feet. The bubbles floated back and forth when I moved my hand under the water. They joined and left each other. Most of them were clear, others a little cloudy. Small bubbles sometimes dissolved, which wasn't sad. Very large bubbles burst. Some made it to the large formation at my feet. I don't think any of these bubbles had realised what was causing their movement, namely my hand under the water.
At that moment, I realised that wonderful things can happen in silence. For example, you could imagine that the soul is not made up of one part. That it can connect with other souls like soap bubbles.
What do we know about this? Perhaps the structure of the soul can be multi-layered. Maybe I received a new "bubble" on 16th November because I was so mature and open. Maybe at some point I can join a big bubble consolidation, the big consciousness... We are all just parts of it. Perhaps this will be scientifically established at some point. In the past, people didn't know the structure of their bodies either. You could only speculate and wonder about things. In the same way, the structure of the mind will be scientifically proven at some point.
You could also imagine that the universe has a very simple structure. There is something really big inside something really small. Sounds daft, but I can't explain it any better. Of course, I don't have specialist knowledge either. Einstein could perhaps have used this assertion better ;-)
Wednesday, 21.11.22 - I feel this energy
02:20 Woke up with a burning sensation in my upper abdomen and felt infinite energy, which was focused and concentrated: Awakening! It's hard to describe here. This energy had absolutely no limits. It was inside me. It is inside me! Everything in me is currently focussed and oriented towards awakening. I don't understand how this could have happened to me. There is a huge process going on inside me. I sometimes have the feeling that layers are falling off of me.
Tidying up. I suddenly realise: I don't need this, I don't need that. I don't need meat and alcohol, TV, amusements, entertainment, clothes / shopping in general, holidays... Everything has somehow become totally irrelevant. Life is much easier without all that stuff. But tidiness is still important to me.
I have the feeling that I've been waiting for this my whole life. That what's happening to me now is the most important thing in my life and that's the only reason I came into this world.
Tuesday, 22.11.22 - Deep truths. Thoughts on awakening.
06:10
Man, I'm exhausted! "The states" are so energising that I'm totally knackered afterwards when the wave subsides. By 8 o'clock in the evening I'm useless and fall asleep if I'm left alone. At night, all my muscles ache, like the deep exhaustion I remember from years gone by.
Yesterday I couldn't get into a meditative state. I was angry with Lissy (our dog) because she barked me out of bed at 3am. I've been sleeping very restlessly without her lately. Maybe I shouldn't sit on the meditation stool in a bad mood. "State" didn't materialise. But I wasn't sad about it. Instead, I worked more productively in the practice than I have for a long time. I finished all the backlog and even did some preliminary work. At the moment, I'm only able to work to a limited extent in my "state". My head is not totally clear and I can't concentrate. I'm surprised that everything is going well and that I haven't made any big mistakes.
Woke up again tonight and realised an infinite, simply boundless, indescribable energy slumbering inside me. Is this love? In the morning, something kicks me out of bed and draws me to my meditation stool like a magnet. It is overwhelming. I haven't read anything this week, as Ratna recommended. But writing like crazy. Trying to realise and analyse what is happening to me. But where am I supposed to find the explanation? It's all in the realm of fantasy. It's all just conjecture.
Something else that just occurred to me: Buddha (or his successors?) always motivated people to occupy themselves with art, read poetry, etc. Perhaps this stimulates some area of the brain that helps people to awaken.  Perhaps this area is well developed in my case due to years of playing the piano. I really must continue with my piano lessons. Several times a week! Otherwise the music will take a back seat.
Later that same evening...
What a day! I actually didn't have a single minute free for myself. I really enjoyed the day with "state". But I wasn't able to think much. Some of the following thoughts came into my head while driving.
1. With some thoughts or when reading Buddhist literature, I feel a deep vibration inside me. For me, this is a sign of a "truth", as the Buddhists call it, or of "direct knowledge". You can't explain such "truths". They just are. Everyone probably knows that. Perhaps I should read the Bible or the Koran and check for the existence of "direct knowledge"? Would that ring a bell? All religions talk about roughly the same thing, just in different ways.
2. Awakening may be similar to waking up. Some people can jump out of bed quickly, others need half an hour to get out. Some need an alarm clock, others are awake on their own... Maybe some people don't even realise they are waking up. So much depends upon the definition. The term "awakening" is not used at all outside of Buddhist circles. A normal person can't relate to it. I think there should be masses of awakened people, just from the statistical consideration that we are 8 billion people on earth. Some may be at different stages of the process. But you can easily recognise them, I would think. These are the particularly kind people.
Thursday, 24.11.22 - The storm
I was continuing the "Taste of Freedom" course again yesterday. I wanted to talk to Ratna, but we only managed to exchange a few sentences. Unfortunately, she was busy with something else. I have the feeling that nobody here understands how important and urgent my cause is. I finally need to know what these "states" are. I try to find the answer in the books. I start a book and realise there's no explanation. I look for the next one. Buy one after the other. But it's impossible to find the explanation. In two and a half thousand years, the amount of Buddhist literature has grown immeasurably. And I don't even know what to look for. Regardless, Ratna referred me yesterday to Anissita, another member of the order, who is supposed to know a lot about mediation.
At the course yesterday, we were asked to talk in small groups about why we were there. I said that I can no longer bear the suffering and meaninglessness of my life. Although everything is fine in my life, I miss the feeling of happiness. That my goal is awakening. And that I feel like I'm on my way there. And that the last few months have been the most intense and happiest in my life. Funnily enough, no one has said that they want to awaken. I just don't understand it. Do people perhaps not want to admit it? Or is this topic taboo? But that is the only, and clearly defined goal of Buddha's teachings. Maybe I don't understand something. I'm still so new to the centre.
This morning I didn't get as deep into my meditation and also finished too early because the children came for breakfast. Maybe that's why the 'state' wasn't as deep as usual. But in the few minutes I was able to spend alone, I realised many important things:
1 I feel very clean at the moment. The cleansing process was thorough and is now complete. I am trying to keep it going. My eating behaviour is also beautifully cleansed and supports me enormously. It's so nice to be at peace with myself. I have officially entered the maintenance phase. Reached my desired weight.
2. During the "states" I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. Unfortunately, I can't read at all at the moment. I read the lines two, three and four times and still don't understand what it's about. However, I can write. I have the feeling that my focus has shifted inwards. Strange, but there really is such a thing.
3. Sometimes I also feel disorientated in terms of time, I find it difficult to think about something that is in the past or is supposed to happen in the future. At that moment, I have the feeling that only the now exists. The next moment it's now again and then now again and so on, like pearls on a string. There is no past and no future at all. This feeling is very difficult to convey.
4. In general, I have the feeling that all these things happen without any involvement on my part. I just have to sit on my meditation stool in the morning.
5 I feel like an overripe tomato hanging in the sun and about to burst. I
am soooo ripe for this process…
6. I can't get Maitreyabandhu's phrase out of my head: "Awakening is not an intellectual process". ("The Journey and Guide").  There is actually nothing to think about or understand. It is simply a very profound process of restructuring the personality. And for me it seems to happen spontaneously. So you can't penetrate it all with intelligence. It's an inner change that you feel. That you have to live through. But the word change doesn't fit at all. I would rather compare it to a building site. First, the old building has to be completely demolished. Except for the foundation. And then a new and more beautiful house is built in its place. At the moment, I feel like I'm in the destruction phase. Nothing is stable. My spirit is not stable either. Everything is changing. Oh, everything is vibrating inside me at the moment. Deep insight. Amen.
7. Then it occurred to me that the states are probably the waves of change. The purpose is probably to change myself. Not to do detached psychotherapy sessions in a practice or doctors office. I have to use them for myself. And that's where the fear comes in: what if they don't come back? Everything is not permanent, as I said above. I get quite tense at this thought, the anxiety interferes with the meditation, which flattens the states, which in turn triggers the anxiety. Cycle. The conditionality of things…
Late in the evening...
The urge to be alone was enormous today. But how can I do it? Breakfast with Kevin and Alissa (Kevin's girlfriend) - washing my hair - picking up Grandma Lisa-chatting with Mum - throwing in the washing - cooking lunch - taking out the washing - throwing the next lot in - hanging it up - lunch with everyone - cleaning up the kitchen - taking a half an hour breather - putting up and decorating the Christmas tree (never put it up so early before, but Alissa wanted it this way) - cleaning up boxes - chatting with Mum - taking Vincent to the orthodontist - entertaining Grandma Lisa... And then the pressure to withdraw was so unbearable that I faked a headache and locked myself in the bedroom. I don't want to lie any more, but how else can I do it? I can't possibly tell my family that I want to be alone. They won't accept it.
I sat down on my bed, snuggled up in three blankets. Grandma Lisa came and rattled the door. I ignored it. Then the following happened. I was desperate to start the process. I wanted to wake up. It was quite difficult to concentrate. I was less distracted by the outside world than by my thoughts. I wasn't in a meditative state, at least not consciously. I was focussing very strongly on myself and isolating myself from the outside world. Sometimes wonderful feelings came from within, but they were not stable. Various deep thoughts, more about family and close acquaintances. In particular, it occurred to me that I can't help Vincent on his journey. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I have to separate myself from him. The people closest to me are just as unstable as everything else in the world. They are transient. In that sense, they don't even exist, just like I don't…
It was very difficult. It was very, very difficult. There were no happy thoughts. It really got to me. I had to cut my ties with everyone in the world and especially with Vincent. I felt terribly lonely... Sometimes there were just scraps of thoughts flying around me. Snippets of feelings. Unprompted and unnoticed. I felt like I was caught up in a whirlwind.
I really wanted to be enlightened that evening. But nothing happened. I'm probably not ready yet. I sat there and doubted myself. It's good that Buddha also spoke about self-doubt, I was well prepared.
And - I had the following supporting thoughts:
1. You don't have to sit on a meditation mat for 30 years to achieve enlightenment. It's not that I've only been at the Buddhist centre for a few months. I'm simply ready. I'm mature and overripe. On my own.
2. I really feel very pure. It is really only the present state that is important and not the past, not what or where you did or thought.
3. I AM already in the water. The preparation process is over. Now I just have to wait for a stronger wave and ride it. I'm already halfway in, so to speak. Or half out? Like a hatching chick that has broken through its shell and is looking out with one eye. Afraid to break out into the world 😉. But under no circumstances should you force anything
4. There is no alternative. I HAVE to go through it. And all by myself.
This sitting alone lasted about 2 hours. At some point I opened my eyes, lay down on my back and continued to think my thoughts. I was disappointed that the process had not continued. That I hadn't woken up. Even the feeling of infinite suffering returned. The "state" had levelled off and disappeared.
At some point I dared to leave the room. Complete exhaustion and weakness, worse than being run over by a tractor. I couldn't remember the last time I was so exhausted. Must have been years ago. Had a quick chat with Vincent and Peter and realised that the slightest deviation from the truth is really hard for me. Just don't go in so deep! Truth is not always 100% truth. Sometimes two or more honest answers are possible. Which answer should I choose? I think Vincent gave me a pretty funny look as I stood there looking for the answer to his simple question.
I went to bed with a wonderful feeling of inner peace.
Friday, 25.11.22 - Programme restart
What a day it was yesterday! When I think back now, it seems as if a storm has passed over me. With me - in the centre of the eye of the storm, absorbed and hidden, as if wrapped in a cocoon. Around me, a whirlwind of random scraps of thoughts and feelings... Completely cut off from the outside world... Madness. Impossible to describe. I've just read through yesterday's entry and realise - I can't do it. As if I'm supposed to reproduce a 3D film with the help of black and white photos.
And what exactly was all that???
Today there is a wonderful calm in the mind again. Sunshine and blue skies. :-) Physically completely exhausted. Thought yesterday that I wouldn't be able to go to work today. Still managed to persuade myself to go in, because I had two important appointments planned with patients, among other things.
Didn't meditate. Understood that I need a break. At least one day. Tomorrow is Saturday, we have nothing special planned, I can spend the whole day in bed if need be. I just manage to get to the toilet on shaky legs. Yesterday was a complete drain on my resources. I have to be careful. I accidentally ate one apple too many today. If I continue to be so exhausted, my diet will be shaky again. I know that all too well!
The following ideas came into my head today:
1. The reincarnation thing: At some point as a teenager I decided that this concept fitted better into my world view. I haven't doubted it since. But I've never really realised it, although I have thought about it occasionally. Maybe that's why it doesn't work with my vision of past lives. However, Buddhism describes it as the final stage of enlightenment. Maybe it doesn't work earlier. I'll have to think about it.
2. Then again on the subject of equanimity and compassion: German words speak for themselves. Having the courage to say "everything is the same to me". Suffering WITH someone. But when you're cut off from the outside world like I was yesterday in the storm, everything is automatically the same. Which doesn't mean that you don't have an impulse to want to help someone. Without suffering yourself :-)
I'm so physically exhausted. Mind is clear and willing. Don't know whether I should meditate tomorrow. Was very irritable today because of my state of exhaustion. I'm going on another meditation retreat next week, followed directly by a holiday in Morocco. How am I supposed to manage that? I don't even have the strength to pack my bags.
Spent a few pleasant hours with Peter in the evening without the television. I haven't watched the telly for a fortnight. I feel so clean. We talked about Buddhism and I shared a few ideas about myself.
00:45...
Something has woken me from my sleep. In my mind's eye I see a white background as if on an empty desktop, lines running quickly upwards to the left like stairs that disappear immediately (only for a fraction of a second), I am overcome by the thought: "Oh God, it's really coming!", feeling of a coming faint, everything completely white, like a programme restart, very briefly a warm or hot feeling rises in me, a wave from the heart region up to the forehead, fainting, I let go and fall. Immediately I come back to myself, thought: "God be praised!" Strong gratitude.
Lying in the dark on my right side. Thoughts: "WHAT WAS THAT??? Don't sleep now!" And: "Why is it happening in my sleep? Shouldn't I be experiencing this during the day?" And: "I have to write it down immediately!"
Got up, feel normal, everything is as usual, arms and legs work. Sitting on the loo with the light of a mobile phone torch and writing my diary. The event only lasted a few seconds. How am I supposed to go to sleep now? There's no way I'm crazy! My God, I feel slightly nauseous.
Saturday, 26.11.22 - Non-violence and acceptance
06:30...
What was that tonight???? Later I experienced three to four energy waves, accompanied by subsequent nausea, registered them and went back to sleep. Partly felt the warmth in the left side of my head. I now feel completely normal, no trace of the "state". But inside a wonderful peace and great contentment. Like a calm sea. There is hardly any movement.
14:15...
Total calm today. Insane feeling. I couldn't get into meditation this morning. That's just as well. Just meditated so I wouldn't have any regrets. At least I can recharge. Tonight's event happened just in time for the weekend.
Reading "Travel and Travel Guide" by Maitreyabandhu. What a book. Is the author also an enlightened person? Is there any way I can pass the book on to my family and friends? Or at least the mindfulness course?
20:00 ...
I'm not quite free of the "state" today. Towards the evening I feel the wave again. I can't concentrate on the outside. I find it funny to sit inside myself again and look out of my eyes. God, nobody must read this or I'll be admitted to a psychiatric ward. No profound thoughts today. However, I'm constantly interrupted here and can't even concentrate on my diary for 15 minutes in peace. No privacy at all in this house. Six flatmates and a dog. And the doors are never locked.
I still have to process everything. What happened last night is almost a blur and seems surreal. I don't understand what happened at all. It's good that I'm writing everything down. I can read it again and be sure that it wasn't a dream.
Buddha's teaching is really true. Unbelievable. 2500 years ago, a person experienced the same thing and created such a strong wave that even after countless generations it could still reach me and show me the way! Unimaginable.
I assume it is a natural process of mental development. The fact that it is completely unknown in our Western circles is not just a loss, it is a disaster. Everything would have been different. The whole history of mankind would have been written differently if this information had been common knowledge. I am certain that our world can only be changed for the better in this way. Through love and through the personal purification of every single individual. In the last 2500 years, I have the feeling that only bad or terrible changes have happened. All this suffering. I want to imagine the extent of the suffering and I can't.
I now understand what drew me to Buddhism. It wasn't just the suffering from my own experience, but the infinite, INFINITE, THE LIMITLESS suffering from the entire history of mankind. I had the ability to feel this suffering from childhood onwards. Too much empathy... I can only understand it and put it into words at the age of 47. But I'm glad that it's at least still happening in this life :-)
In any case, it can be changed for the better, but only from within. As many people as possible need to go through this process, only then will the madness on this earth stop.
Anyway, I'm a pacifist, I can't stand violence in any form. I experienced violence myself as a child and unknowingly passed it on to my older son. Perhaps he will find the strength to get rid of it and not pass it on to future generations.
I feel the infinite and incredible power of love. Of this energy that permeates and connects everything. Love is much stronger than any violence. Love could dissolve all wars. If all people were guided by the inner source of love, no one would attack another country. Perhaps there would be no countries and no soldiers.
But how would it be if the country under attack did not defend itself? That would minimise the suffering. The territory of the attacked country would be occupied by the attacker, with minimal casualties on both sides. The attacking soldiers would have stopped shooting at the defenceless quite quickly. They are just young men. Completely normal people. They are not monsters.
After the occupation, a few changes would come to the country. A new name for the country, change of government. Nobody resists. Streets are renamed, new currency introduced, etc. After a few years at the latest, complete peace would return. Happiness. Peace. Daily problems, as usual. People get used to anything as long as they are happy and healthy.
God, this earth, the countries where we live, have been renamed countless times over 40,000 years and populated with other nationalities. If you look at it from a cosmic perspective, it doesn't matter what the country is called or what language is spoken there, or which person is printed on the banknotes or what the money is called. People learn absolutely nothing from history. They lack foresight. I've tried to discuss this topic with Peter and I can see that it's not easy to discuss my point of view. That's why I'll just say one thing: it's a purely subjective opinion.
I went for a walk with Peter today and saw everything with new eyes (which is no longer completely new to me). Everything is so wonderfully new and exciting. I entered the Penny supermarket with my eyes lifted because everything outside was so interesting. Otherwise you just look at your feet and see nothing. Or you have a conversation and you don't notice anything. I looked at the grey sky and the red leaves, they were wonderful and perfect. Everything was perfect the way it was. Everyone seemed to be very busy. In any case, no one was looking up at the sky and no one was smiling. I was the only one grinning the whole time. Beautiful... I noticed the ceiling and walls for the first time today in  the supermarket. Normally my focus is so narrow when I'm shopping, it's only narrower in front of the computer. I'm so talkative and excited again, the "state" is rising…
22:00...
I'm really enjoying it right now. It's so quiet here. Sitting in the living room, a strange hand with a red jumper sleeve is writing in my diary ;-) Another strong feeling of alienation. The dog next to me on the sofa. Christmas tree lit up. Man, how I enjoy being alone and stroking the dog. In the "state" I see everything differently, for example the dog is perceived as a lump of joy. Pure emotion.
Interesting - our dog's behaviour has changed. As if Lissy could smell that some kind of high-energy process was going on inside me. She hasn't left my side since September and is constantly clinging to me like a limpet. She defends me against other family members and has even become cheeky towards my mum. She used to like her. I don't need to tell the dog that I'm changing 😉
Sunday, 27.11.22 - Current definition: "state"
New day, new page. Today I had a wonderful meditation with 7Mind. The "state" hasn't materialised yet, but I'm still enjoying the day. I feel much better physically and am decorating the house for Christmas.
Today I had the following thoughts:
1. I’m still trying to formulate the "state".
- Firstly, there is a distinct feeling of happiness. Sometimes I feel a rising wave of happiness in the middle of a conversation that floods me and softens my brain. I'm afraid I'll start behaving strangely, laughing and talking rubbish. The intensity of the feeling of happiness varies from being in a very good mood to deep ecstasy, euphoria, rapture. Like being on drugs, presumably.
- In the "state" I am strongly focussed inwards. I am completely centred in my body. Concentration on the outside is strongly weakened to non-existent. In the "state" I can't read anything, stare at the lines, but understand nothing. This makes everyday life more difficult. Too bad, I would love to read Buddhist literature. But I can write about it. I think I'm repeating myself... But it keeps me very busy and I want to document it accurately.
- I feel infinite energy and a permanent state of excitement. I could move mountains and would be very productive if only I didn't lack concentration. When the "state" drains away => energy deficit, tiredness and fatigue remain.
- Everything explains itself, I can see the connections that previously escaped me. I see the big picture.
- I talk without end, I am completely detached as if under the influence of alcohol. Everything comes easily
- In deep "state" dizziness / coordination problems
- Sometimes I have the feeling of being in the now, which causes problems thinking about future or past events
2. Once again: I am of the opinion that there must be many awakened people out there. It's just that they are very difficult to identify. I currently feel like a newly hatched chick, sitting in the incubator next to the countless other eggs keeping me company, not understanding anything, looking around and searching for hatched mates... If chicks hatch in the incubator at around a certain time, perhaps humans will also awaken at around the same time? That would be great! Humanity has existed for 40,000 years. It would be about time!
A later comment: According to Ken Wilber (a successful American writer), the number of awakened people today is around 0.1 per cent of the population. This means that there must be around eight million awakened people living on earth at the moment!!!
Are there any awakened people in our Buddhist centre? How can we find out? In the course "Taste of Freedom" it was mentioned several times that there are no awakened people among us. Why is that? The centre has existed for 30 years. It can't be that awakening takes so long. Buddha brought his 5 friends to awakening in the shortest possible time.
3. My perception has changed. I see things holistically. I see the connections. Difficult to describe. I have the feeling that I used to have a perceptual disorder. That I was blind. And now I can see all at once. Some other kind of perception. For example, when I walk past a tree, I perceive a beautiful creature that exists half above the surface and half below the ground. The lower part is just as strong as the upper part, possibly even stronger. It's just that this part is not detected by the light waves and escapes our optical senses. And - we simply forget that it exists. Everything that we cannot grasp through our sensory organs does not exist for us... In the same way, things that are not scientifically proven do not exist for us. Or at least things we haven't read about...
What is it like to be a tree? Probably a very slow metabolism. Always standing in the same place, in wind and weather. To be flooded with happiness when the sun is shining. Probably ecstasy and sexual arousal when in bloom. Communicating with other trees through the air and roots. Losing leaves... How does that feel? Hibernation... When a tree is cut down, this marvellous being is split in two. What a catastrophe.
A spruce tree in our garden suffered badly from the heat and drought last summer. I thought it was going to die. I watered it every day. It has survived. And when I visit it, I imagine that it emits this delicate fragrance just for me - as a greeting and out of gratitude :-)
Tuesday 29.11.22 - The butterfly wants to hatch
Yesterday was a bad day. No "state" came on Sunday, not even a glimmer of it. Was very disappointed in the evening and even had a glass of wine. Overnight from Sunday to Monday I had a wonderful physical feeling, like ecstasy, woke up from it, lay there and savoured it. Indescribable. INDESCRIBABLE. As if I was melting. So soft, so tender, so flowing, unfortunately I can't describe it.
On Monday for some reason my 5am alarm didn't go off, woke up at 6.30am, no time to meditate. Grrrrrrrrr. Work was good, I was nicely motivated. I love talking to people. Sometimes I even got that familiar warm feeling when I talked about illness and death.
During the lunch break, however, I had a strong urge to be alone. I closed the door, sat down at the table, leant my head on my arms and sank into myself. I was gripped by a desperate desire to break free, my head was buzzing with crazy thoughts. The feeling of wanting to break free from my shell was simply unbearable. I tugged inwardly, had the feeling of being wrapped in a cocoon, I even tried to move my back, back and forth to loosen the chains... Incredible act of will. I desperately wanted to be free! Like a butterfly trying to emerge from the cocoon. But it didn't work. Little by little I calmed down, my racing heart stopped. It took about 15 minutes. What was that again? I must be going crazy! Why do I feel so unfree and bound? I've never felt like this before in my life!
After work, my mood was in the basement. Not being able to feel anything at all feels like you've gone blind again. Being able to see a wonderful world for a brief moment, only to have it taken away from you again. Brutal. I was so desperate that I cried. I'm afraid my family are starting to worry about my mental health. Such mood swings for no apparent reason…
Sitting on the sofa in the evening, I was tormented by various questions. Was that all now? Is there nothing more to come? Do I have to wait for the next phase for the rest of my life? Or maybe only in the next life? My motivation has never been lower. I must have been in withdrawal...
Went to yoga with mum in the evening. There we alternated between tension and relaxation. Maybe that's the best way - to relax. I'm probably overstretching a little…
Later at home, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought to myself: I have managed to lose weight sustainably and reach my desired weight. Statistically speaking, only one person in 100 makes it. How often have I despaired in the process of losing weight over the last four years? How often did I feel like I was sitting in a hole and couldn't see the sun behind the clouds? But giving up was not an option. And - I have learnt that patience always pays off. I just need support, such as my BLE nutrition group.
Wednesday, 30.11.22 - First conversation with Anissita
I meditated today after all; although Ratna had advised me against it in her email. I just have the feeling that I can no longer do without meditation. It's a nice day without the "state".  The fourth in a row... The "states" probably won't come again... I'm trying not to think about it, otherwise I'll have a crisis.
Later that evening...
Before the "Taste of Freedom" course, I had an appointment with Anissita, an ordained person from our centre. Ratna introduced him to me as a meditation master. He seems very nice. He's over 60, has grey hair and a Dutch accent.
Before the interview, I went through my diary to write as accurately as possible. I realised a lot of things in the process. For example, that the universe looks like a cake, it's all one, everything is baked and connected. It's all the same substance: people as well as stars and everything that exists. Everything is glued to the dough and cannot be separated from each other. That is why the movement of one part causes a change in its surroundings. That is why the evolution of the universe equals the evolution of the spirit.
I've had this feeling of connection all my life. It's normal for me. When I came to Germany, I thought that this characteristic was due to my socialist upbringing. Now I realise that it is simply part of my nature.
When I was six years old, my mum probably wanted to make a joke with me. She told me a story that our neighbour was in need of money and we emptied my piggy bank. It took us a long time to add up the small coins: it was exactly three roubles. I had been saving for a hamster at the time and it was a very large sum for a child. The neighbour was there, laughing and praising me for my generosity. She wanted to put a whole rouble in my money box. But I didn't understand the joke at all. Why won't she take the money? It was forty years ago, but I can still remember the feelings from back then very well. It was scary that an adult could get into such a financial mess that children's piggy banks were emptied... I was very disappointed that she didn't want my money now. I would love to help. I'm sure her needs are more important than my wish to buy a hamster.  Well, now I find it funny.
The conversation with Anissita was good for me, although I wasn't able to get much information again. I got emotional and cried while I was talking... I had to go through the separation from Vincent in a "storm" again.
He said that I had perhaps experienced as much in three months as he had in 30 years of practice. Then the scales fell from my eyes: that's why I'm going crazy at the moment. It's just too much at once! It's all very much, very fast and very intense.
But it is also very much wanted by me. That's not the right word for it. I NEED AWAKENING SO URGENTLY that I feel like I would die of thirst and die without it.
Anissita said that the "states" have not stopped. He said the body and mind would only take as much as they could handle. And I was so terribly exhausted at the weekend. That's why there was no "state" from Sunday until today.
And - he was absolutely right, the "state" came up during the conversation and continued in to the next day. That evening I experienced again that the "state" comes up when talking about the Buddhist teachings or telling my story. I am so grateful to Anissita.
In this evening's "Taste of Freedom" course, we had to jot down a few thoughts. I may have strayed a little from the topic, but I would still like to record my text here.
The dream of tomorrow - exercise from the "Taste of Freedom" course
I have dreamt of a world where people are no longer interested in material goods and have learnt to share. Where people don't pile up things in their homes, where rooms are empty and beautiful in their emptiness. Where people don't need so many rooms because they no longer own things. Houses and flats have become much smaller.
Anyone who needs something can pick it up free of charge from the nearest shop and return it as soon as they no longer need it. There is no more money. Production and waste disposal have fallen sharply because everything is shared. Cars are parked on the street and anyone can get in. That's why there are so few cars now. The world is emptier of human things and there is room for other creatures again. The space for fields, forests and animals is free again. The air is clean.
Since people only need a few things, they don't have to work from morning to night and have time for the finer things, such as inner development, loving communication, enjoying nature and creating works of art. Unnecessary production has been reduced and human-oriented professions are very well equipped thanks to the capacities created in the labour market. Care in hospitals and nursing homes is now possible on a one-to-one basis. School lessons are also held in person, according to an individual programme and each teacher has only one pupil. Teaching has become much more effective and enjoyable, which is why the pupils perform so well. Teaching has changed and includes not only scientific subjects, but much more psychology, communication and caring child education. Yes, child education is already taught at school.  Because it is the most important subject of all.
Humanity is much happier than ever before. Everyone is fundamentally content. There is no suffering, no greed, no hatred and no delusion. There are no fears, no worries and no depression because everyone has awakened. And awakening is a completely normal process that is taught directly from childhood.
Thursday, 01.12.22 - Reflections from yesterday
Meditation was cancelled today. The morning was completely chaotic. I'm going back to the retreat in Sauerland tomorrow and when I get back on Sunday we're flying to Morocco the same night. I don't know how I'm going to pack my things if I can't concentrate.
I also have 30,000 tasks to do today. I'm currently sitting in my car in the car park in front of the Rewe supermarket and writing. I've forced myself to take a few minutes for myself because otherwise I won't have time today.
At the moment, time feels very much like a continuous NOW again. It is always now. Only now. An endless succession of nows. Sounds crazy. I find it very difficult to think about what happened yesterday or what is planned for tomorrow. Thank goodness I have a calendar on my mobile phone! :-) Otherwise I would be lost.
Yesterday in class we had the topic of generosity. I often get bored during these discussions because everything is as clear as day anyway. But sometimes: Wallop! Very valuable information or food for thought. I need to reflect again on giving and receiving.
[ANNOTATION:
BY 'Jason Farenden'
ON '2025-09-05T22:06:20.624011337'JSF
NOTE: 'What is one process and not two… clarify']It is actually ONE process, not two. If you realise yourself as a part of the whole, it doesn't matter who gives and who takes... It's all the same, everything remains balanced, basically nothing happens. Nothing disappears and nothing new is added.
I love giving, but I used to have a problem accepting things. Now I see it differently. When my patients want to say thank you and give me a small gift, I sometimes felt uncomfortable. Now I see the love that people want to express and it makes me happy. I take the gift and feel pure joy without any ulterior motives.
Yesterday I tried to express my opinion in the round and I realised that I wasn't being understood. I think my brain works differently than it used to.
One of the topics was why giving is so important. I had to think about it. It's a difficult question to answer. In the end, I put it like this: That giving is the most important quality of love. Energy must flow. It has to be given. When we share material goods or simply beautiful emotions, we automatically pass on love.
Well, I can't explain it any better. I don't think my answer went down so well. There were people in the group who answered much better. But I find this thought so powerful. Energy must flow. Or rather: ENERGY FLOW. The whole universe explained in one word. Is this thought perhaps so meaningful to me because I currently feel a powerful flow of energy in my body? I love my diary. You reflect and come to wonderful realisations.
Anissita introduced the meditation very nicely yesterday. He does it differently and goes through the body parts quite quickly. Otherwise I spend at least 10 minutes on the introduction and there is a danger of digressing.
During the meditation, I thought about our previous conversation. When I told Anissita about the 'storm', I had to cry. I had to relive the pain of the separation from my family and especially from Vincent. He asked me WHY I had to separate. Nothing changes in my life. I didn't have an answer ready. But for some reason I had to go through this inner separation.
And - during the meditation - the answer came. That was the strongest attachment in my life! I had to release it in order to move on. When this thought came to me, I had the feeling that the angel choir had begun to sing and that the sun had risen. Figuratively speaking, of course. It was such an enlightening thought that it made me cry. It came just at the end of the meditation. I sit there and cry. Embarrassing. But relieving. I hope no one noticed.
I'm pretty emotionally upset at the moment. I'm probably making a strange impression on the people at the centre. It's a shame, because if the first impression is wrong, it can ruin everything. Am I being declared crazy here?
I read about "attachments" in Philip Moffitt's book "Dance with Life". He interprets Buddha's teaching and writes that strong attachments can become "attachments" and cause suffering. I observe this in my patients. When a spouse dies, some people suffer greatly and for a long time. Others feel better after a few months. These are people who had no inner attachment. Hmm, I didn't realise I was also a victim of an attachment process 😳.
Yes, I was very upset. I was glad to be home and allowed to fall into bed. Around one o'clock in the morning I was woken up again. Something was happening. I lay quietly in the dark and listened to myself. The feeling of something warm moving in my chest. Chest tightening. Relaxation. Happiness. A feeling of change... It is indescribable. Difficult to formulate. But I was able to relax better this time than the days before. Everything is slowly becoming so familiar. Then came a deep sense of satisfaction. Emotionally, it lasted about 15 minutes. Afterwards, when the wave had subsided, I allowed myself to go back to sleep. I was happy that I was able to be aware of it. I guess some things happen at night or during sleep. Strange. Maybe because you're really relaxed?
Well, now I have to get going. The day with 30,000 tasks begins. :-) Shopping first.
And one more thing. I think I'm starting to get a sense of what personal qualities are part of awakening. This kindness, courtesy, inability to say "no", valuing the interests of others more than your own. Altruism, helpfulness. Selflessness. Being able to feel the pain or discomfort of others in everyday trifles. These are all terms for one characteristic. I just can't think of the umbrella term now. Empathy? Acting for others as you would for yourself. Because we are all connected.
Sometimes I look at people and think - yes. That's it. You're on your way. Is Keanu Reeves possibly on his way too? He has that look sometimes...
Saturday, 03.12.22 - The lotus flower opens
08:45...
I am in the Vimaladhatu meditation house and have just experienced a breathtaking, fantastic meditation. For the first time, it lasted about an hour and a half. Anissita introduced it. I know now why he is called a meditation master 😉 First 30 minutes of breathing meditation, then 30 minutes of walking meditation and then metta bhavana. I have never meditated for so long. When I learnt that we were meditating for 1½  hours today, I just thought: "Oh dear, my "state" is going to explode to heaven!"
By the time the first part was over, I was completely in the "state". Familiar warmth floods my body, beyond my head. I am flooded with happiness hormones, everything suddenly seems so delightful and fabulously gorgeous. We were asked to walk quietly in a circle in the shrine room. As we passed by, I looked out of the window: Complete darkness outside, just a few lights from a village in the valley, perfect in their beauty! I almost cried, captured by the unbearable beauty of these points of light. My goodness, what's wrong with me? Am I on drugs???
When Metta Bhavana came afterwards, I felt a very, very gentle transformation within me. The most pleasant physical feelings you can imagine. As if honey was flowing through me... Awakening is a very pleasant process. No more "storm". I could have sat like this all day and for a year. Just exist. Be there. Be happy.
After the meditation, I went upstairs to my room. While I was brushing my teeth, a thought occurred to me: I have been shown the way, now I have to decide whether I want to go any further. I have Buddha nature inside me, like all of us, but it is currently overlaid with everything this world has piled up. It's like a golden treasure at the bottom of the river. It's covered in mud and stones. Now I've found it and I never want to give it back. I just want to be Buddha. And focus on now. That helps enormously. All unnecessary thoughts disappear. All worries. What can happen in the now?
I can't stand the human chatter around me at the moment. It's all too much and too loud for me. I'll probably retire after breakfast.
15:10...
Oh, man... How am I supposed to describe this? How am I supposed to put THIS into human language? Today is the most intense "state" ever. It's like the emergence of a lotus flower: from the depths of the sea, to the surface and... OPEN!
After meditating, I went upstairs for breakfast, managed to scoop the porridge onto my plate and sit down at the table, but couldn't get another bite down. I realised that something was coming. My table neighbours were chatting animatedly. I couldn't speak, it was all too loud for me. I thought I should go into the room, but I didn't have the strength to get up. I just closed my eyes so that nobody would talk to me and held my cup in front of my face like a shield.
And then came the wave. An indescribable, all-encompassing feeling of happiness rising up from below, like a tsunami. I simply surrendered to it and clung to my cup. The happiness was so enormous, so unbearable, that tears sprang from my eyes... My neighbours at the table were very tactful. Nobody said anything or touched me. I had the feeling that my chest was opening up like a flower. And that this flower was extremely, EXTREMELY sensitive, delicate and soft. It was my deepest inner self that had just opened up! Aha, the wording works after all. Lovely.
When everyone had finished eating, I took my plate and wobbled upstairs. Ratna must have noticed and hurried after me. I probably looked terrible with my face covered in tears. She came up to the room to ask if I was okay. I immediately started crying at the question, it was definitely too much for me. I assured her that I was crying with happiness. I can't imagine what she was thinking.
It just shook me up. But I managed to calm down to some extent by 9.30am, having used almost a whole packet of tissues. I decided to go downstairs to the lounge. Ratna gave a very interesting talk. It was about the origins and development of Triratna (the European Buddhist movement). I was there, but only heard a fraction of it because I kept sinking into my sensations. Such an indescribably beautiful feeling in my chest! Soooooo much tenderness! Such an incredibly intense happiness that permeated my whole being!
After lunch, I went out into the garden. I'd hoped the cool air would clear my head. Not so... The "state" was so strong that I felt like I was drunk. I even had problems with coordination. The garden in Vimaladhatu is laid out in steps. I had to be very careful going down the steps. All I needed was a broken leg…
I only stayed in the garden for about half an hour as it was too cold. I realised there that I am a new being from today.
Everything, everything was so beautiful, so INCREDIBLY beautiful on this dull and cold winter's day. So INCREDIBLY beautiful. So DIVINE that it even hurt... Pure ecstasy. I have never experienced such intense feelings before or since. All the trees, all the branches, all the bushes and leaves were so perfect, so flawless, so perfect. Every blade of grass was in its place and in the right position. I must have stood under a birch tree for ten minutes and worshipped its bare branches with the drops of ice on them. They were the most picturesque drops in the whole universe. Everything was magical and incomparable, marvellous, perfect just as it was. There was nothing that needed to be improved.
These feelings were already pretty close to the limit of what a human being can bear…
However, I did feel sorry for one bush. Its small pink flowers were covered in ice. That must really hurt when the reproductive organs freeze over. I looked at it for a long time and understood what equanimity is for. When you are awakened, you must not feel pity. Otherwise you will immediately be buried under the avalanche of pity. There is only suffering in this world. In every blade of grass. And what about the creatures that can move? Their happiness and suffering should be much more intense than that of plants. Eat or be eaten…
In general, I'm currently wondering whether I should eat plants. The problem is that I would cease to exist. Difficult thing. How does a potato feel when it's put into an oven preheated to 180 degrees? Is the carrot still alive in the fridge? Can tomatoes sense me? Do my houseplants speak to me? I am convinced of the latter, by the way.
Today I have the feeling that I want to float over the grass so as not to bend the blades. It must hurt the grass if someone walks over it... And who knows how many ants get squashed in the process. Terrible. And - what about the worms and other creatures that live in the soil? How do you feel when someone presses on them with their feet? It's all so complicated. Life is pure suffering! Or you could put it better like this:
LIFE = SUFFERING!
The only way not to harm others is not to exist. However, my family members would suffer if I didn't exist. And besides, I don't want to dissolve myself at the moment. Anissita rightly noted that not wanting to exist is also a form of suffering. Wanting something causes attachment and therefore suffering. Rejecting something, not wanting something also causes suffering. Having no desires at all is the only way to avoid suffering.
Ohhhhhh... Deep insight. Everything vibrates inside me. It's funny how the familiar formulations feel in the "state". How can you integrate this insight into your daily life? Unfortunately, I don't live in a retreat in a secluded cave. How can I not want my patients to stop smoking? How can I not want my house to look nice and tidy and clean? I am so sensitive to visual stimuli. I had the patio redone this year for a lot of money just because of that! How much good could be done with that money, unimaginable. And all just to satisfy my visual perceptions! All that money for one person. Peter must be a saint to contribute half of it, even though he doesn't even care about the terrace.
I HAVE TO RETHINK AND REASSESS SO MANY THINGS!
A task without end... I'm so exhausted and the day is still very long. It's not even 4 pm yet.
I now understand that wanting to change something also causes suffering, even if the changes are supposed to be for the better. I understand why I feel so horrified when Hanna (a friend of mine) had a swimming pool built in her garden. With warm water for the winter and a counter-current system. For her two boys, who love swimming. It's a local disaster. The poor trees whose roots are being crushed by the digger. The poor soil biotope that had to die where a concrete block now stands. The poor climate, where so much electricity, water and other resources are used for a four-person household. Poor children who have no chance to live in modesty. Although my children were not brought up much better…
I have understood so much in these three months! It's overwhelming.
Can't talk to anyone at the moment. I'm very grateful to Alexandra (my room mate) that she's keeping quiet. In general, everyone here is very sensitive. Just Buddhists.
21:00...
The “state” is almost gone, the stream of thoughts has calmed down somewhat. When I read what I wrote above, I clearly have the feeling that it was written during a period of psychosis. But I'm very sure that I'm not mentally ill. Just winter depression so far, nothing more. And I haven't even started this year because I have too many happiness hormones.
Why do the things I experience overlap so closely with Buddhist teachings? I couldn't possibly make everything up. Some things I experience first and later find the explanation for them in a Buddhist book. Incidentally, I recently found the "Fire Sermon" in the Pali Canon (a collection of sacred Buddhist texts in Pali that contain the teachings of the Buddha and elements of his biography), quite by chance. I almost fell off my chair. Here is an extract:
"Everything burns, monks. And what is it that burns, bhikkhus? Seeing, bhikkhus, burns, visible forms burn, visual consciousness burns, visual contact burns, and what arises from the condition of visual contact, namely joyful, sorrowful, or neutral feeling, that too burns. Through what does it burn? Through the fire of desire, through the fire of hatred, through the fire of delusion it burns, through birth, old age, death, grief, sorrow, pain, suffering and despair it burns, I say."
Source:
https://www.buddhaland.de/lexicon/entry/114-feuerpredigt/
God, I sat there holding the book in my hand and couldn't understand it. How can it be that I experienced what Buddha described 2.5 millennia ago? This "Everything is burning" from 02.10.22…
Tonight was Puja, a small Buddhist celebration. The text we read out was incredibly powerful. I'm going to copy a few verses and hang the note in my kitchen:
Though the world is full of strife,
Here may there be peace;
Though the world is full of hate,
Here may there be love;
Though the world is full of grief,
Here may there be joy.
Incidentally, I didn't like the puja. I will probably never understand the Buddhist rituals, just as I have never understood the Protestant and even less the Russian Orthodox rituals.
I made an effort not to fall into the "state" at the puja. Have to drive tomorrow. I'm definitely not fit to drive when I'm in such a deep "state". I can now see that I can partially control the development of the "state". I felt the flood during puja and didn't participate as intensely, distracted myself with thoughts. These monotonous recitations have a clear hypnotic effect on me.
Is perhaps everything that happens to me just self-hypnosis? What is meditation anyway? What is already known about it? Why am I so sensitive? It's a good thing that I always come back reliably from meditation, no matter how deep I was. After a certain amount of time there comes a point: Pop! Emerge!
Tonight Ratna used a term: System upheaval. That describes my current state of mind exactly. And because it's happening at such a rapid pace, it's knocking my socks off. Maybe it's my own fault. Somehow I have the feeling that I have to hurry, I'm afraid I won't be able to see the process through to the end. I deliberately increase the pace.
I realised one more thing today: taking refuge happened a long time ago. Probably the day I Googled the definition of the word. I felt such a deep vibration inside me and thought: Yes! It affects me completely.
And: there really is no turning back from now on. The changes are irreversible. I will never be the old Olga again. It's a one-way street, this WAY.
Monday, 05.12.22 - The first day in Morocco
I'm sitting on the plane to Morocco and writing my diary. Sunshine above the clouds. I remember how I started my winter holiday in recent years: From the deepest hole of hopelessness and grey to sunshine and sky blue. No trace of winter depression this year, quite the opposite! Hope. Excitement. Trembling anticipation. These are all just feelings and I can't explain them rationally. What exactly am I waiting for and what am I hoping for? I only know that my whole being is orientated towards it.
Philipp drove us to the airport this morning. On the way, I thought about what had happened at the weekend and felt a wave again. Joy, happiness, delight! Everything suddenly seemed so perfect! The lights in the darkness were beautiful. But unfortunately no comparison to the feelings on Saturday... I could hug and kiss everyone at the airport. All the people queuing for the terminal. The security staff. Counter staff. Cleaning ladies... I remembered the seventh chapter in the book "Living in full mindfulness" and for the first time I didn't see the crowd, but individual people. It really works to love ALL. 🤩🤩🤩
I feel my gentle, loving, wonderful Buddha nature. My fingers tingle at this thought and I feel a slight pressure in my chest. In general, I can feel my chest and heart beating in the last few weeks, which was never an issue before. I always wondered about my patients who complained about different chest phenomena. Is it possibly my soul making itself felt?
About my thoughts and feelings yesterday: I explain it like this. After meditation, some region of my brain switches on and the other regions go into standby mode. That's probably why I can't read "state", can't concentrate, have coordination problems, etc. It's an attempt at an explanation.
Lunchtime at the hotel...
We have just arrived in Morocco. On the way to the hotel, I asked myself what I was doing here. Travelling doesn't appeal to me at the moment. Landscapes as usual, hotel as usual, huge and pompous. Great food, ocean... Mountains... Don't want to see anything. Would rather continue my inner journey. Is this perhaps my last holiday? If this goes on, will I want to travel anywhere else? Of course, I don't want to spoil Peter's holiday. But I'd prefer to be in a caravan in Münsterland right now. Wonderful area there. Peace and quiet. You don't have to fly. Cheap. Donate superfluous money. I need to rethink things again. However, my trip to India is already booked for next year and I would really like to see this country. Buddha's homeland. And the homeland of my sponsored child in the World Vision sponsorship project.
I was sorting through photos on my mobile phone on the plane today and came across a picture that I took at a seminar in the Buddhist centre on 25.08.22.
Suffering => trust => joy => delight => calm => bliss => concentration => contemplation => renunciation => detachment => liberation => knowledge => enlightenment
It is supposed to be a diagram of the awakening process. Somehow the picture reminded me of my night vision with the white light like an empty desktop and steps to the top left. Has my brain realised the possibility of enlightenment? In any case, I seem to be in the "rapture" stage now. Because I find everything so delightful. The weather is bad today, grey skies, drizzling in places, and yet I am totally enraptured by all the visual stimuli. I can stand still and admire some withered bushes. The grass has never been so green! And the colours are so fantastically rich in contrast. As if I had bought a new pair of glasses.
It's funny that such an awakening pattern exists. It means that people have actually gone through it and can describe it. I find it interesting that it's mainly about the feelings. How does the awakening work? I understand that it is an inner transformation. But through what? And how? Are they all just feelings that flood you? Somehow we practically don't talk about awakening at the centre. The most important topic of all! Or am I just missing the point?
Must meditate tomorrow. Two days off in a row. We got up at 3.30am today and I didn't have time for it. But must choose the days for deep meditation carefully or I won't be able to function all day. The event on Saturday threw me completely off track and made me think.
A sad topic. I realised that I have very few warm feelings for my mum. That was a shock for me. How could it be? She is my mum. She gave me life, raised me alone, she made me the way I am now. And yet it's like this...
Almost everyone carries some kind of childhood trauma. Life in this world is so rough... Last summer, practically by accident, I attended an ancestral healing session - a treatment method used in psychology to release ancient family imprints. I realised so much then... I cried for an hour; poor therapist... But afterwards I left the session free and happy. All the events in our family were cleared up to the fifth generation. Old offences processed and insults forgiven. The wounds have closed. Unfortunately, however, no warm feelings have emerged.
I have to say that this realisation of how few warm feelings I have towards my mother is a relief. I can now work with it. I think it can be changed. If I'm ready to love everyone, I should start with my mum.
Maitreyabandhu's book "Mindfulness" is brilliant. There are so many tools nowadays that awakening could be made much easier than in the times of the Buddha. There weren't even any books back then. Today we have the internet. We are networked, connected in a direct sense and live in an infosphere! Unlimited perspectives! I certainly wouldn't have come to my process without the help of modern media. When I wake up one day, I will make sure to make a huge wave. People have the opportunity to change. If we want to change the world for the better, we should start with ourselves first.
We were sitting in the restaurant in the evening
and a light bulb was blinking in the darkness outside. It reminded me of my first metta meditation, where I felt like a lighthouse. I was radiating so much love and light and wondered if anyone could see me in the darkness. Maybe that was the clue that I was ripe. A signal to the universe. And the universe started sending me things. Was that the beginning?
And another special metta meditation at my first retreat, where I realised the all-encompassing, immeasurable love of the universe for me. These were actually my first extraordinary experiences with meditation.
The metta meditation is really impressive. Grandiose. Overwhelming. I now recommend meditating to everyone, including my patients very often. The link to the guided Metta Bhavana meditation can be found, for example, on the homepage of the Essen Buddhist Centre, here is the link.
http://freebuddhistaudio.com/talks/details?num=LOC229
Tuesday, 06.12.22 - Insight about karma
It was a very restless night, burning in my chest and an urgent desire to meditate. I woke up several times and talked to my restless mind. The body needs to regenerate, otherwise it won't work. At four o'clock in the morning I couldn't stand it any longer, got up, sat on the sofa and did the breathing meditation. Then I sat in the semi-dark room, Peter snored quietly in bed.
What now? In my experience, no "state" occurs when I sleep after meditation. But I would like to experience the "state" today. Now I had no better idea at this time of night and went back to bed. At least the burning in my chest had stopped. I woke up again at eight o'clock and meditated metta this time. A lovely, deep meditation with a tingling sensation all over my head. Wonderful.
The "state" is barely noticeable today, gentle. I am now so used to getting deep insights at least twice a week that I even prepared a topic on which I would like to have an insight - namely about the love for my mother. But no, things turned out differently. In the shower, I suddenly realised something about karma. I don't know how I came up with these thoughts, but I'm standing there calmly, soaping myself up and suddenly I can practically physically feel a spit in my stomach.
In the past, when I came across the term "karma", I explained it to myself like this: If I am nasty in this life, I will be born as a cockroach in the next life. Or something like that. But today I suddenly realised: no, the effect is different. If you hurt someone, you hurt yourself immediately. Once again, the temporal connection is – IMMEDIATE; not later and not in the next life. I felt as if I had rammed a double-edged spear into my stomach.
In the same way, when I give love to someone, I give it to myself. It's as simple as that.
Depending on whether you meet people with love or hate, you are either intact or wounded. In this state, you continue to act - carry out everyday tasks, make decisions - which turn out very differently depending on your inner balance. Hence the different outcomes that turn your life for the better or worse. Like an avalanche of snow triggered by a flake. Totally easy! It's all in your hands.
An interesting aspect comes to mind now. If someone attacks me, I can imagine their spear piercing my stomach at the same moment. Horrible! I really feel sorry for that person. That would be the ultimate solution to all conflicts! Feeling sorry for the attacker. I'll have to give that a try…
Hmmm, murderers and rapists must be severely injured, crippled souls…
It's interesting that my experiences overlap so much with Buddha's teachings. I don't need to read some things. I regularly receive clear lessons. 😜 With the huge difference that I don't understand things intellectually, but experience them directly, on the third level. The deep insights are burned into my cerebral cortex in such a way that my world view and my behaviour have changed forever. Like this last insight about karma.
I can't do anything bad to anyone from now on, where I felt the spit in the centre of my body today. Not that I used to be able to... But now this quality has come to my awareness and is heavily underpinned.
Wednesday, 07.12.22 - Noise sensitivity
I think a lot of things happen at night. Right now, I no longer get upset by various bodily manifestations and continue to sleep. It's usually some kind of waves with sensations in the chest, head, tingling, pressure, warmth, happiness.
Today the "state" feels different to usual. This extreme feeling of happiness that I've had over the last few days is missing. What's more, my head feels foggy today. There is a constant faint background noise in the back of my head; difficult to articulate. Faint feeling of alienation, I feel WHOLE. I feel my presence in this body. I feel this body completely at once, all body parts, posture, movements, as if I were sitting in a Transformer or in an exoskeleton and controlling it.
After lunch...
Today is a wonderful deep "state". It really is different than usual. Even the rapture that flooded me the days before is less. I find everything beautiful, very beautiful, but not as unbearably beautiful as the days before. I have become calmer. I think I have gained confidence in the process. It's not going to stop. I don't think it's possible any more. Unless I die prematurely.
Sometime later...
Today, the noises are unfortunately quite unbearable. I can hear everything all at once. It's especially bad when the sound of the sea is in the background. You usually ignore the noise, but I can't do that today. I have to deliberately filter out other noises in order to understand what is being said. I can only stay in the restaurant with difficulty. The clattering of the crockery is almost physically painful...  I'm glad I can put my earplugs in at night. Eureka! Why don't I take them with me to the restaurant? I don't want to leave Peter alone. Last night the poor chap had to sit alone in the bar.
I have the feeling that some filter functions in my brain have failed at the moment. The brain usually filters everything and only hears half of it. Aha, maybe that's why the visual stimuli all seem so new and wonderful! A filter is not working! So many new visual impressions at once... I can't understand what's being said at the moment. I have to ask Peter three times what he said and then briefly think about the meaning of his words. Embarrassing.
Incidentally, the same with smelling, greatly increased sensitivity. We were on a coach trip to Agadir yesterday and there was a sales event in an aromatherapy shop. I dashed out of the shop after three minutes as there were too many fragrances for me.
Peter says my brain is currently being restructured. The brain usually recognises patterns and I have to relearn them. I'm pleased that he's so relaxed about it all. I spoke to him again here on holiday and got the impression that he's not as worried about me or our relationship as I assumed. That was probably just my projection.
I'm amazed that I don't feel any fear at all with all these strange things. Maybe it's because I'm so incredibly flooded with happiness hormones. I feel chosen and proud of my changes rather than worried. The only worry is that I might not be able to see the process through to the end. I have been living in a state of feverish anticipation for several weeks now. Waking up every morning and the first thing I do is listen to myself - well, what's new today?
It’s interesting, there are no deep insights today. We spent the whole morning walking to the village of Taghazour. It was a wonderful walk, lots of new impressions. Perhaps these sensations interfered with the "lesson". You have to sit quietly for a few minutes and listen to yourself.
Yesterday evening...
I read the "Dance with Life" again, I started the third Noble Truth. The chapter really impressed me. Philipp Moffit explains everything so simply. I mean, his writing style is not easy to digest, but he writes about extinction as if it were the most normal thing in the world. (It is meant to be the extinction of all desires after the fourth shackle is released). I was overwhelmed. I still don't know anything about Buddha's teaching. I am completely empty.
Oh, something's ringing a bell. Filter failure! Maybe that's why I perceive my body completely differently. Hence all the alienation phenomena. It's all very easy :-) I hope that these "states" are a process of growing into the new level. That they solidify and no longer disappear.
By the way, this morning's meditation was very deep. I realised that you should wake up completely before you meditate. Otherwise all your efforts are for nothing. But the deepest moments only last about a second. I'll have to ask Anissita how to prolong them. Today was the deepest meditation I was able to create alone and without any aids. I don't really need my 7Mind app any more. It's nice to know that you're developing :-)
The hissing and noise in my head are so unbearable. There's some dance event going on downstairs and I can just about bear it with the window closed and earplugs in. How nice that I'm on holiday and can retreat.
I currently have the feeling that there is nothing left for me in the world apart from Buddhism and my transformation.
Thursday, 08.12.22 - Conditions for awakening
Contrary to my expectations, I didn't get another deep insight yesterday. Overall, the usual ecstasy of the "state" has become rather mild. I would even say that yesterday's "state" was somewhat sobering.
The idea of the "filter failure" was enlightening, but then came the question: what does the transformation of the mind have in common with brain function? Is it all just physiology??? Material level???? Or am I daft and have to remind myself of what I constantly say to my patients: the mind and the body are inseparable. At least in the process we call "life".
I urgently need the answers! I am so ignorant. I have no idea about awakening. Where can I find the information? In which book? The treasure trove of Buddhist books has grown immeasurably over the millennia. Where should I start? My library is growing and I can't even manage to finish a single book. Should I search the Internet? On which forums? Do these forums even exist? Aren't you more likely to bump into crazy people there? I tried Googling, but the results were pretty frustrating. Or I have to invest a lot of time in the search, which I don't have at my disposal.
Today I was immediately able to sink very deeply into meditation. Really deep. It was difficult to breathe, my chest felt as if there were weights on it. I tried to breathe consciously and calm myself down. Surely I wouldn't suffocate? Nothing helped, had to change position, slipped out of meditation. Oh well. Doesn't always work, have to practise. I meditated half-heartedly in metta and stopped after 20 minutes.
Around lunchtime…
Today's "state" is wonderful: deep relaxation and happiness. Pure happiness! Complete care-freeness... The weather outside is bad, it's pouring, it's cold, just like at home in Germany. Doesn't bother me in the slightest :-) It's such a wonderful feeling of equilibrium, balance, calm. Like a deep lake in the forest: round, small, beautiful. The sky is reflected in the lake. No wind. Nothing moves. Wonderful.
Somehow the feeling of gratitude has diminished recently. Two months ago, I could have died of gratitude. I was so grateful to the whole world that had created these conditions for me! To all the people who have carried me up to this point. Everyone who is supporting me right now. And especially Christel, who brought me to Buddhism. Immeasurably grateful. I said to her on the phone that I would still think of her on my deathbed. I just hope I didn't scare her off. 😅
I still ask myself: What makes me different from other people? Why is it happening to me of all people? Why so quickly? Why so intense? Of course, the pressure of suffering was very strong. Haha. Other people suffer much, much more. A thought occurred to me today: I don't eat sugar or flour because they have a drug-like effect on me. Buddha said that we should avoid drugs/alcohol at all costs. Is that what has made my brain more sensitive?
Secondly, I have deliberately slowed down my life in recent years by reducing my job to half-time. Otherwise such a process would not be possible. You have to be able to focus on yourself. Sure, it just comes over you, but certain framework conditions are necessary.
Here I have made a whole list of the characteristics that I think can play a role:

1. 1)My level of suffering was very high.
2. 2)Possibility of regular contact with the Buddhist centre.
3. 3)An opportunity to take time for myself, as I have consciously slowed down my life.
4. 4)Participation in the mindfulness course by Maitreyabandhu at the right time.
5. 5)Immediate change of habits: daily meditation, yoga, study of Buddhist literature.
6. 6)I have always been of the opinion that there is not only this material world = spirituality.
7. 7)Well-developed intuition = the use of direct knowledge.
8. 8)My deep self-confidence.
9. 9)A very open mind = beginner's mind = willingness to change.
10. 10)Perceive living matter as sacred in every appearance, no matter how minute.
11. 11)Empathy.
12. 12)Valuing the needs of other people more highly than your own = altruism.
13. 13)Avoiding sugar and flour, which have a drug-like effect on my brain.
14)Vegetarian diet was changed to vegan. It is well known that animal products are grounding (they suppress spiritual energy). Overall, I don't eat very much food. This makes me feel better and gives me more energy.
15)The "rush of life" is not as high for me as it is for other people because I don't watch too much TV, I rarely go to parties or other events, I'm not a workaholic and I'm not a helicopter mum. I let my children do it themselves. I have a happy and stable relationship. That means I generally don't have any major problems or financial worries. I don't know how important that is. Well, maybe it is important. I can concentrate on one thing undisturbed.
16)I would say that I am no longer attached to anything since the attachment to Vincent has been released. Basically, I'm ready to die. (Later I read from Philipp Moffit that non-attachment is important for releasing the fourth bondage. By the way, he offers a method for letting go of attachment, p. page 138).
17)I have been playing the piano since I was a child and have been learning a foreign language for three years, perhaps this increases brain plasticity.
18)Commentary from a later time. The most important prerequisite for awakening: The mind must be well established at the love level (according to the concept of Tara Springett, book "Life is a game - here are the rules"). Only then is the transition to the bliss level possible.
Maitreyabandhu defines the necessary prerequisites for awakening as follows:

• •Sincere devotion
• •Clarity
• •Positive emotion
• •Integration
• •Trust
• •Self-confidence
• •Uninterrupted concentration

In principle, these conditions would also apply to me. I have the feeling that I am currently focussing exclusively on my process. My life mandala only revolves around this axis. And yet I can't explain what has caused these changes. What was the trigger? The "states" are clearly triggered by meditation. But other people meditate too…
I have the feeling that I'm missing something. Perhaps the willingness to learn something new is the most important quality? I know so many people who are closed to new things. A friend of mine doesn't want to learn how to operate the kitchen radio, even though it only has a few buttons. She is able to operate the computer and her smartphone, but claims that the radio is too complicated to use. That's it: rejection, unwillingness to accept.
I don't think you have to fulfil all or exactly these conditions in order to be awakened. Otherwise all awakened people would be constructed in the same way. The first prerequisite - the great suffering that has been so overwhelming for me - certainly plays a fuelling role. I step on the gas as much as possible just to end the process. Just so I don't have to feel this suffering any more. That's probably why things are developing at such a rapid pace and completely overwhelming me. I feel like I'm on some kind of fast track to awakening.
Friday, 09.12.22 - Processes
Wonderful inner peace. No rapture today. When I think back, all these emotions were really strange. To feel such infinite admiration and delight from the smallest fly, from the shadow on the wall, from the leaves under my feet... Now it is SIMPLY beautiful. Without exaggeration. Balanced.
I thought today that the universe is also just a huge process. In this sense, there is no such thing as SOLID matter. Everything is in flux. An illusion. Where there are mountains now, there used to be a sea. And later it might be a desert. Everything is so unstable and in motion. We just don't realise it because our process is much faster. How could Buddha have known that 2500 years ago? Not even Newton was alive during his time... It was a completely different world, without much common knowledge and without the internet. He didn't write down his teachings. His disciples had to memorise them verse by verse. It was incredible. It was only written down about 500 years later.
The droning in my head is less today. I can lie on the beach and enjoy the sound of the sea, which wouldn't have been possible the day before yesterday.
Once again about matter: in this sense, the little Buddhist child from the movie "The Matrix" is right, the spoon does not exist. If I am just a process and the spoon is a process, then I can influence the spoon. Theoretically, you can then influence all objects. You can turn water into wine 😉 You are omnipotent in that sense. Magic... You can definitely learn it. Where can you find a teacher? :-)
Around lunchtime...
The thought still occupies my mind. From this perspective, death is simply the end of the process. What is a disease? Is it a malfunction? Or is it part of the process? More likely a change in the process. I've never been afraid of death, but from this point of view I don't even feel sorry about it. I mean, if a kitten sits hungry on the street here in Morocco, I feed it so that it doesn't die. But if it dies, that's okay too. End of the process. Is that today's exercise? Equanimity? Normally I'm literally sick with compassion for any homeless person or animal.
Later that evening...
This afternoon I meditated for the second time, I wanted to show Peter my favourite meditation from the 7Mind app "Letting go of thoughts". It was wonderful for me. Only 20 minutes, not deep because the channelling is a bit of a distraction. But it was still very nice, even with tingling in my fingers. Peter couldn't relax and said he couldn't meditate. Perhaps he can learn to meditate, but unfortunately he lacks the motivation.
After the second meditation, the droning in my head increased immediately. As I sat at dinner, it felt as if I was in a metal barrel: all the noises were amplified and difficult to bear. I don't know if I should meditate tomorrow, we're going on a day trip to Marrakesh and it's very annoying to be so sensitive to noise.
Saturday, 10.12.22 - A terrible day in Marrakesh
What a terrible and instructive day... I must be completely stupid. I had already experienced it on Monday, when the meditation was cancelled, but I didn't understand the meaning of the message. Apparently meditation is a kind of lubricant of the process for me, or rather an engine that drives the transformation. Because if the meditation fails, the process comes to a standstill.
In any case, I decided not to meditate in the morning today. I thought I could catch up on it on the way if necessary. But it turned out that I can't meditate on the bus because the movement distracts me. I can now shield myself very well from the noise, but not from the touch or the change in body position. Throughout the day, I didn't have the opportunity to have 15 minutes to myself.
In general, the day was an imposition on my sensory organs. Walking through Marrakesh, seeing various sights. The worst was the bazaar (visual stimuli), the sales promotion at a pharmacy (smells) and the central square when the Moroccans scored the goal at the World Cup and reached the quarter-finals for the first time in history (acoustic stimuli). That was a pure disaster. The Moroccans were very well prepared, equipped with huge drums, trumpets and audio systems... At least I took my earplugs with me, without them I would have been dead. I wore them all evening until I went to sleep.
Around lunchtime, I was still sitting very happily in the restaurant, savouring various wonderful sensations. Infinite happiness, peace. I was somehow not able to feel any negative emotions at all. I had completely arrived at the centre of the universe and the whole world revolved around me. I used to have to move through this world, but there is another way! 🤩🤩🤩
Around four o'clock in the afternoon, however, I realised that I was probably walking barefoot on the hot sand. Or a better way to describe it: I was gliding comfortably the whole time, sledging down the mountain. And suddenly I hit a hard patch of ground. I fly off the sledge and continue to roll my naked body over the stony ground until I come to a complete stop. All my skin is scraped off, everything is bleeding. And the worst thing is - the unbearable feeling of standing still. The process has come to a halt. Pain.
I tried to withdraw several times. In the café, then at dinner. At the table, I closed my eyes and tried to meditate - nothing helped... Chest tightening at its finest...  Loud music from all sides - belly dancers - fire breathers - applause - laughter - clinking of crockery - conversations... Peter is talking very loudly to an English woman. Does he have to shout like that?
At some point, the show came to an end. We went to the bus and had to walk for about 30 minutes through the alleyways, full of Moroccans celebrating, dancing and singing. It was crazy. I clung to Peter and closed my eyes as we walked. Every flashing light and honking horn hurt.
On the bus, the nausea joined in. I thought I was going to die. I tried to feel my body, be good to myself and comfort myself. It helped a little, but it was so unbearably loud outside. Everything was honking, flashing, shouting, music from everywhere. Streets flooded with pedestrians. People were sitting in the open windows of their cars and driving through the streets. Crazy! The bus only travelled at walking pace. One big traffic jam. It took us 5 hours to get back to the hotel.
During the break at a petrol station, I felt negative emotions again. And I did so in full force. I suffered with the hungry dogs with all my soul, got excessively annoyed with Peter over some little thing, almost shouted at him. It was all so awful. Everything was so painful. Even my own body caused me suffering. I couldn't see anything, hear anything, smell anything. Every sensation hurt. I felt the suffering again that drove me to Buddhism. It felt as if someone was touching me in my sore spots. It was pure misery. Much worse than before I came into contact with Buddhism.
I have realised that I have become very, very, EXTREMELY sensitive. So far in my process, I have been wrapped up in positive emotions and happiness, as if wrapped in cotton wool. But once the process comes to a halt, I will no longer be able to survive in this world. The pain has to be anaesthetised. The suffering has to be shielded again.
When we arrived at the hotel shortly after 1 a.m., I brushed my teeth and immediately sat down to meditate. At this point, the suffering felt like I was completely skinned. Chest pain. Now I understand how mental pain can create physical discomfort. A wonderful lesson.
I intuitively meditated Metta Bhavana and took twenty minutes just for myself, to feel love for myself. I wasn't sure whether I would be able to feel love for other people today. Then it occurred to me that giving and receiving are just one process and not two, as I had assumed. They are one, like yin and yang. 😇
And indeed, I could feel the love for the others. It was a powerful meditation. I filled up like an atomic bomb, radiating the waves of love into the universe. This was the second most powerful metta meditation so far, apart from the one in the Vimaladhatu at the first retreat.
Afterwards the chest pain was gone. I felt much better again. Incidentally, this time I chose my mum as the positive person. For the first time. And - it was easy to love her. I'll have to remember that later! Now it's time to sleep.
Sunday, 11.12.22 - The aftershock
I'm almost okay this morning. There's still some residual pain somewhere deep inside and the shock of what I've experienced. Peter asked me at breakfast how I felt yesterday and I couldn't tell him anything. The memory came up and shocked me all over again. I hadn't expected the process to be associated with such strong negative feelings. It wasn't until lunchtime that I was able to briefly tell Peter about it.
So I had to realise that there is also a flip side to this coin. That was a lesson for me. I have to take my transformation seriously from now on. It is the most important thing that will happen to me in this life. I only came into this world because of it and had to endure all the suffering for 47 years. I have to finish the process.
I don't know whether I can or should be angry with the people at the meditation centre. You come in totally naive and are asked to meditate. You could at least be informed that meditation can have complications... On the other hand, I don't know if anyone has any idea how I feel. Whether anyone has already experienced or accompanied such a dramatic process. What am I missing: No one talks to me in plain language and no one gives me information.
Conclusion: I take myself seriously from now on! I meditate every day! I promise!
Monday, 12.12.22 - Infinite love
At the airport...
A stressful morning, including a small earthquake at six o'clock. Nothing unusual in Morocco, I suppose. I was able to meditate very nicely despite the excitement. Now in the airport terminal I can feel the rising "state": familiar, tingling warmth that spreads from the centre of my torso, floods me right down to my fingers and intoxicates me with happiness.
Yesterday I meditated twice but didn't notice any change to my usual "state". I felt almost "normal", including an emotional outburst in the evening when I realised that the cleaning lady had thrown away my flowers that I wanted to take to Germany. Oh yes, I am still capable of producing negative thoughts about other people! I really wanted to complain about her! Then cried myself to sleep in Peter's arm. This morning I was still angry with this woman, who was probably just trying to do her best, and let it go with the complaining.
Last week, for several days in a row, I felt an infinite love for everyone around me. It was so wonderful to walk into a crowded restaurant, look at people's faces, smile at them, be happy when someone smiles back... It really happens, people smile at me! I Never noticed it before.
I had an urgent need to pat EVERYONE on the back, look them in the eye, ask if I could do something good for them. Crazy! I was on cloud nine every time the restaurant was full. Soooooo much love!
And - you really can make people happy with just a smile and a friendly chat. You don't need money or other material goods. Sure, you can also express love with money, for example with a tip. In this case, people urgently need money. But - people really blossom when you show a genuine interest in them and talk to them lovingly. I have never chatted so much with waiters in my life as I have here in Morocco. I've never loved waiters in my life either 😉 I never felt the urgent need to do something pleasant for them.
It was an amazing experience! I will never forget it.
Yes, there was one more realisation. Unfortunately, there really is no God. In the sense of God, as I was used to believing: a being who created the earth in seven days and who sits up there to watch us all and decide who goes to heaven and who goes to hell after death. This realisation was quite disappointing for me, although it also reflects what the Buddhist teachings say.  But maybe after enlightenment you can join some stream of consciousness... Apparently there is nothing magical in this world. What we think is magic is just things we can't explain at the moment. Yes... I actually have to digest this realisation first, even though I wasn't a great believer…
A little later on the plane…
Surprise: I can read something whilst in the "state" today. Apparently the "state" is gradually changing. Is my body getting used to it? It should all normalise at some point.
I just read in Philip Moffit: "Non-attachment is essential to realising extinction because your mind becomes quieter and more focused and you will sometimes experience expanded "states", including ecstasy, joy and a sense of peace. These “states” can be so wonderful that you cling to them and try to recreate them instead of continuing your practice." Pages 200 to 201 That's me at the moment. I'm afraid I've developed the strongest attachment of my life to the "states"...😭😭😭
Later he writes on page 201: "To be constantly aware throughout the day. In practice, you notice when you are attached and when you are not attached, and you pay attention to the effects of the craving mind, aversion and conceptual thinking. You notice when suffering is present and when it is not."  My goodness, I was just about to buy a perfume here on the plane. For what? What are all these things for? That's the seed of suffering! Wanting to have. I feel sick…
I've always been tormented by the things I own. Our house is full to bursting with stuff, from the roof to the cellar. My tidy nature forces me to keep things in order, which means constantly sorting, tidying, cleaning, repairing, passing on or disposing of them. I can't just throw things away and always look for a new owner if possible. Donating to the bin is not an option.
Do I feel love for these things? There are countless people, energy and resources behind them... So I spend all my time dealing with these things. All my precious free time, which I could be putting to much better use!!! In this house with seven family members, I'm just sorting and tidying. And everyone comes to me when they can't find their things. Isn't that madness?
And I'm constantly buying new things in the hope of finding some joy. I create my own suffering! I'm aware of it and yet I can't get out of this cycle. Somehow it always seems logical to me to buy something: for the children, for the household, for the garden, for the dog, presents... The list is long. Pure misery! It's good that I was at least able to stop myself from buying something today…
At home in the evening.
The smelling thing is pretty annoying. I'm glad that not all the filters failed at once and that the smelling only came at the end. I can smell exhaust fumes everywhere at the moment. This odour has probably always been there, it was just blocked out by my brain. Even in the house it smells of exhaust fumes. Terrible!
I realised something very deeply on the flight home today, that I had already suspected beforehand. Everyone goes through this process at some point. Everyone, without exception. Perhaps not in a single lifetime. For most people, it probably happens without much fanfare, not like it did for me, but gradually and inconspicuously. Sometimes with the help of some religion, sometimes spontaneously. That must be the real purpose of every religion: to show people the way and guide them through the process.
Buddhism explains things very clearly and directly. I can't judge other religions, but I think the core is roughly the same. So: we are all running in the same direction. Everyone at their own pace, like marathon runners. And nobody knows where we're going. 🤣 Except for Buddhists. They know exactly what awakening is. Jesus was probably also an Awakened One... And perhaps other saints? It must be a natural development of the mind. From caterpillar to chrysalis and then to butterfly. My goodness, I had no idea! It's madness! This must be direct knowledge! My whole inside is vibrating!
Tonight I got into a row with Peter about it. I can't really explain... When I told him about this realisation, he replied that I just wanted to take him with me. I replied that he wasn't ready to wake up yet and he got angry. Am I being arrogant? I'm just assuming that he's not ready. Only he can judge for himself. And basically, I can't do anything for him. Everyone runs the marathon on their own, under their own steam.
Tuesday, 13.12.22 - Attachments
I had a wonderful dream tonight in which I was standing on a hill and was unimaginably happy, so extremely happy that I spread my arms and flew! So light! In the past, when I flew in my dreams, it was often associated with danger and pursuit, the flight was difficult and only over short distances. But tonight I could fly like a feather! 🤩🤩🤩
I read in "Dancing with Life" about the techniques of observing transience. My goodness! The book really gets under my skin…
Today I allowed myself a whole day's rest - my last day of holiday. I'm so exhausted from my "states". I ran myself a bath and thought quietly about transience, inspired by Philipp Moffitt.
I lay in the hot water, taking one finger after the other out of the water and observing the transience of feelings - how the sensation changes from warm to cool. Warm things fade. Cold emerges. Then I dipped my fingers back into the water one by one. Coldness fades. Warm emerges. This change happened simultaneously. And - it suddenly dawned on me that decay and emergence are also just two sides of one process, like yin and yang. They are inseparable.
What does this mean in relation to the universe? Does the universe not pass away? Does it not come into being? Does it come into being and pass away at the same time?
And what does that mean for me? My attachments come and go. Sometimes they are released by force when the cleaning lady throws away my flowers. That causes suffering. I didn't even realise that I had grown so fond of these plants. I was very happy about them. I imagined how I could grow five beautiful bushes and was already thinking about who I could give them to. Apparently, an attachment has developed.
Attachments are cruel. I observe this in my patients. When a spouse dies, some people fall into a deep depression. But others don't seem to. It certainly depends on the degree of attachment. Attachments arise from positive feelings. Do some people perhaps have fewer positive emotions in their partnership than others?
When an attachment is forcibly severed, pain arises unless the attachment is released first, for example: "It is no longer interesting to me", "I no longer like it", "I no longer want it". Is it possible to avoid attachments in general? I really need to find out!
Today is a quiet day. I feel the "state" slumbering deep inside me, it comes up when I read Buddha's teachings. Otherwise I feel completely normal.
With a huge difference compared to last autumn: complete, total relaxation, balance, happiness and peace. Wonderful feeling in my chest. Simply marvellous!
Wednesday, 14.12.23 - Am I different?
This evening before the course, I met with Anissita again. He said he hadn't experienced anything remotely similar. I realise that's why he doesn't understand how urgent my matter is. He doesn't understand how quickly I'm developing. He perhaps doesn't even see my anxiety and unfortunately can't help me.
The "Taste of Freedom" course ends today and I feel completely alone with my "states" and problems. Anissita said quite relaxed: The study group starts in January! - January! As much happens to me in a week as used to happen in a year. Sometimes I get really desperate.
Periods of happiness alternate with periods of unrest. Where can I get help? Where is someone who knows about awakenings? A simple exchange would help me a lot and calm me down. That's what torments me the most - this restlessness.
I didn't say a word about it during our course, I don't want to mislead people. When I am in the "state", I am 100% sure that I can awaken. Awakening is so close, it's right next to me, I could touch it with my hand... Why don't people realise what's going on inside me?
We talked about meditation today. I was surprised, apparently some people have problems with motivation. Others report about distractions during meditation. Overall, I had the impression that meditation doesn't bring them as many moments of happiness as it does for me. No one reported that they could hardly wait in the evening to immerse themselves the next day. No one told me that they were torn out of bed at four o'clock in the morning on holiday to sit down and meditate.
I very rarely fly out of meditation and only occasionally can't get in. But if I can't immerse myself on my own, guided meditation always works. Am I different? How am I different from these people? Did something happen to me at the end of July? What triggered my process?  Questions upon questions…
But I didn't say anything about my experiences there, I didn't want to appear strange. I just said that I had few problems.
By the way, the feeling of not being able to breathe during meditation disappears when I lie down. This morning I meditated lying down.
Thursday, 15.12.22 - The nature of desire
Tonight I had a strong 'state' linked to the evening meditation in the centre. I couldn't fall asleep for a long time, the energy overwhelmed me, and when I did fall asleep, I kept waking up with a feeling of happiness. I even considered getting up in the middle of the night, but then I wouldn't have made it through the day, and Thursdays are always hard for me - it's my day off, when I do the weekly housework and look after my grandmother.
At some point I dozed off and in the morning I had a wonderful dream. I dreamt of a clear river in a gorge, and the path to the sea was clear! Completely free!!!!! One was just a short distance! I could see the ocean ahead! What a wonderful liberating feeling!!!
In the morning the "state" was gone again…
I will not tense up. I won't cling on. I'll keep on living. I'll just see how long the resting phase without the "state" will last. Hopefully, not five years.
After lunch I had a sudden revelation. It happened like this: I saw a portion of tofu in the fridge that I intended to have for dinner and suddenly I was overcome with a strong desire to eat it right away. This reminded me of the book "Dancing with Life", where the author claims that our desires are very short-lived, and I managed to observe my desire. The desire actually only lasted a second. Then it disappeared and came right back, but only because I was thinking about it. That means: the desire is not stable!!! It is only fuelled and rekindled by circling thoughts.
Suddenly I was struck by a blow! It must have looked strange as I stood in front of the open fridge staring at a piece of tofu. What do we pedal our whole lives for? To satisfy these brief moments of desire? They are so fickle! God oh God! If this isn't the discovery of the year! The mind wriggles like a puppet in the hand of the ego... All that drives humanity in this world, all that has led to our discoveries, our achievements and our civilisation are these split-second desires…
I felt almost omnipotent at the thought. I felt like Neo, just dropping the balls [The Matrix]. I can let the passions rage around me while remaining inaccessible to them! I have figured out the nature of desire!!!
Friday, 16.12.22 - Conversation with Kevin
What a beautiful peace has returned to my soul. The storm has subsided and the sea has calmed down. 😁 Tonight I dreamt that I was driving a car up a huge ramp, very high above the mountains and even above the clouds. It was very cold up there, everything was covered in snow, even the gravitational pull of the earth was less. At the very end, the engine stopped briefly. But I was able to start it up again and make it to the finish.  😅 What crazy dreams I've been having lately!
Tonight I went to talk to Kevin, my eldest, and told him about everything that was happening to me. We talked for almost four hours.
At the beginning, I could clearly see fear in his eyes. My son probably thought I was taking drugs. But in the end, he understood everything and I think he took it well. That made me very happy. I wanted to convey to my child that there is something else in the world other than what we can perceive with our senses. And I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction. I had to realise that my son is an adult! 😉 However, Kevin doesn't want to meditate. He said that he comes to direct knowledge through intensive reflection.
He said that you just have to think about something intensely / with concentration. This is perhaps not a bad method at all and you can also gain direct knowledge this way. However, the difference between the answers you get this way and my experiences in the "state" are simply light-years apart. The experiences and deep insights that are now coming to me are changing me from the inside out, and in record time. I feel that I have become different.
Yesterday, for example, my medical assistants wanted to turn away a patient who came from another city and only spoke Russian - a Ukrainian refugee. As she didn't understand German, they asked me to turn her away. I used to be bad at that too, but normally I don't want a discussion and do what they want. Yesterday this was no longer possible, I couldn't turn the patient away. She needed my help and I had to help her. At that moment, I felt the change in me. I was ready to argue with my snappy girls knowing that I was upsetting them. I became brave! I framed the discussion very gently. I am of the opinion that my Buddha nature has accomplished its first action! 😁
I used to look for the answers to my questions in a different way: I asked myself a random question and, if possible, didn't make a decision immediately. At some point, the answer would formulate itself in my head, which usually took a day or two. And it was always the best decisions that took me further, even if they didn't seem logical at first glance. I think that's called intuition.
I feel the "state" like a background noise this week. Today it is stronger again. The smell of exhaust fumes comes in waves. I am very happy. No ecstasy, but still a very, very pleasant feeling. I am better protected from suffering than before. If I happen to see war on the news, I don't have to switch over immediately, I can endure. It's wonderful.
Sunday, 18.12.22 - Grandma Lisa's birthday
Yesterday we went to a birthday party for Grandma Lisa, who turned 94. 😊 I was very happy to see all the family members again. But in general, the party was an assault on my senses. After just half an hour, all the noises became unbearable for me, just like in Morocco. So many voices and then loud music in the background. I got dressed, went to the nearest chemist, bought earplugs and that made it better.
However, I was still unable to take part in conversations. When my cousin started taking photos next to me, it was almost painful. I closed my eyes and still flinched from the flash every time. The whole celebration was fraught with uncomfortable sensations. Yes, I'm not really fit to party at the moment, my sensitivity is abnormally heightened. But today I'm supposed to go to the cinema to see Avatar 2, the tickets have already been bought. A fortnight ago I agreed to go to this film without hesitation, but now I see that I can't. I'll probably have to fake a migraine.
And another important aspect. For some reason, I'm still waiting for someone to take me by the hand and lead me to awakening, to show me the way. I'm waiting for someone to help me. Hence the disappointment with the Buddhist centre. Today I have finally realised that my expectations are unfounded, because everyone has to go through it alone. A poem by Sangharakshita from the book "Journey and Guide" helped me to understand this, namely the line: "man must struggle alone through black darkness".
I'll find my own way. Firstly, things happen by themselves, and secondly, there are wonderful books. I just can't let myself be distracted by the rush of life, because I won't live forever. My time is very limited. Concentrate!
Later that day...
Now I'm starting to get the feeling that the construction of the new building is beginning.  I feel different. When the "state" is low, I have to consciously love everyone, and when it's high, it happens automatically. Never in my life have I told people that I love them so often. The relationship with mum also seems to be getting better. I now call her "mum" and we have been hugging more often in the last few days.
The "states" have changed. Happiness lies dormant somewhere deep down, but it doesn't flood me, it emerges when I have a moment to sit.
I am completely collected, completely in myself, on the spot and present. I feel whole. I feel very deep. The focus is still within, but I can read every day again. And what an effect! Wow! I get information transmitted directly on the third level.
Today I started reading Maitreyabandhu's book "Reise und Reiseführer" [Travel and Travel Guides – English] in earnest. I am speechless. Every line is true. Though there is nothing new for me so far; however the author puts into words all the things that were just lying dormant in my subconscious. He expresses his thoughts so clearly and so elegantly! Amazing. A much easier read than Philip Moffitt. I'm going to download the book as a PDF and send it to Kevin. Maybe I should send it to someone else too? Somehow I still think it would interest a lot of people.
I'm so busy with myself.... My family has taken a back seat. Kevin says he has to fight to be close to me at the moment. That's terrible. I should at least try to pay more attention to the children. Vincent couldn't have phrased that sentence like that... 😞
Another important thing: I realised for the first time that I was actually harming other people by talking badly about them behind their backs. Damn, how stupid I was! Negative opinions or information about other people will reach them sooner or later. Moreover, such conversations change people for the worse.
Even though I know it now, I found myself saying something about someone yesterday. Thank goodness I've started to feel uncomfortable about it! I have to bite my tongue from time to time, especially when the "state" is deep. That will be my challenge for the next while: to only say positive things about people!!!
I finally realise that my soul has been practically starved in recent years. I haven't given it any spiritual nourishment at all. It's all rubbish and more rubbish...  Entertainment, news, gossip, films, a little art. I want to radically change all that. No more "Avatar 2".
Monday, 19.12.22 - Sensitivity to noise increases
Today was a bad day, the sensitivity to noise became unbearable. I could hear everything again, as if I were in a metal barrel, and it was impossible to work. I stood in the surgery and couldn't understand what was being said to me. 😕 Had to call in sick after the lunch break. At home I lay down for two hours and fell asleep. Decided to go to the ENT tomorrow so I don't miss anything. I think it's kind of a side effect of my "states" as the discomfort gets worse after meditation, but a doctor's consultation still can't hurt.
After reading "Reise und Reiseführer" [Travel and Travel Guides – English], I often think of the sentence: "We are all going to die!" I find it so liberating.  Somehow I - like all of us - didn't give much thought to death, but when I think of this sentence, death becomes very real. My worries fade and everything seems so insignificant. The cleaning lady has forgotten to clean a corner and in the past I would have racked my brains as to how I could tell her that gently. Now I think: "We're all going to die!" And just look in the other corner. That's great!
Man, was I so stupid before all of these changes. So, reading in a "state" is a really cool thing. Direct brain reprogramming. But the book is also extremely powerful outside the "state".
I can feel the exhaust fumes so strongly again today. I can't say that it's bothering me. But maybe it should stop. Or has it already become a sign of brain reprogramming?
Oh yes, and I try to remember the near death experiences in my life. I remembered today how I had to fight a strong swell and current in the Black Sea when I was 18. At some point I was exhausted and nobody came to help. Then I just turned on my back and gave up. The thought came to me: Well, then I'll probably die now. And it all became irrelevant. Was that a dying experience? A man got me out at some point and I slept on a sun lounger for the rest of the day, I was completely exhausted.
... And I didn't even ask for his name…
The "state" today is weak, but noticeable. For some reason, when I am in a "state", it seems to me that I will reach awakening tomorrow or the day after. It is right next to me and almost tangible. When the "state" is over, I doubt that it will even happen in this life. I then doubt everything and especially myself. Why the hell did I make all this up? Maybe it's some kind of split personality? Probably a component of schizophrenia. Man, nobody in my family should be reading this, they'd be really worried. 😬
Tuesday, 20.12.22 - Sickness certificate and deep insights
Unfortunately, I'm not feeling any better today and have stayed at home. To be honest, I'm even glad that I'm ill, because then I can be alone. That's my greatest wish at the moment. To feel myself. enjoying peace and quiet... It was so awful yesterday with hearing being assaulted at work, I couldn't feel myself. Let's see, maybe I'll call in sick for the whole week. I've become so important to myself. And the outside world is so unimportant. It's so fleeting.
Tonight I must have had a stronger "state" after all. I woke up at around three in the morning, lay in bed and couldn't sleep. Deep thoughts... I feel different. It's hard for me to put it into words. If I have to visualise my process, it has changed. The flow has become very clear. Everything unnecessary left behind. No more barriers. The current is calm, deep and wide. 🤩 The sea is coming soon. A deep sense of calm and happiness.
This morning I probably had the most beautiful meditation I've ever been able to create on my own.  I didn't realise I could take my level even higher 😉 Deep. Happy. Not ‘metta-bahavana’ and no breath realisation, although I did pay attention to my breathing. I only felt myself. Probably the droning in my head helped to deepen me so much.  Unfortunately, someone rang the doorbell and I had to stop after 30 minutes. Conclusion: You have to meditate in the morning! When everyone is still asleep!
The "state" is deep today. Or I feel it so clearly because I'm alone. Hallelujah. I'm not going to work this week.
The following thought occurred to me today: perhaps not everyone has to go through this transformation. It certainly depends on the desire of the individual. There are probably individuals who have been bobbing along from one existence to another for eternity and want nothing else…
I find it funny that I'm discovering all these things in myself. I always thought that the whole universe was inside every person, but the fact that it's all explained to me so concretely and vividly is simply incredible. And who is explaining all this to me? Is it me? Or am I just connected to an information channel? I guess I'll never know.…
I realise that I’ve reached a different level to all the people around me. It's nothing arrogant, it's just a fact. I have to take this into account when communicating and put everything into normal words. I have to explain things differently to how I feel at the moment. People don't see what I see.
Another thought. Philip Moffitt writes about burning. It seems to me that every change is also a burning. Something simply goes from one burning state to another burning state. In Morocco, for example, I wanted to take a hungry kitten from the street to the hotel complex because there was more food there. In the past, I would definitely have done that. But this time, something stopped me. I didn't feel that this action made the situation any better, I don't know why. Maybe the cats are being destroyed on the hotel grounds? That's a possible explanation, a story my brain is making up. But in reality I felt: for the kitten there is burning on the street, and there, on the hotel grounds, burning too. No change.
This example can be applied to many or all(?) situations. It is pointless to intervene in a process because the equation does not change the result! There is no point in changing anything at all. It is only us humans who, from our very limited perspective, think that we can make a difference.
I felt this infinite indifference or equanimity on the fifth of November in the "grey matter", in this "nothingness". This is the reason why God does not interfere in our affairs. Omm. Deep realisation.
Tonight, when the stream of thoughts had subsided and I was properly exhausted, I had a wonderful feeling in my chest. It was as if something had greatly expanded. Maybe that's why these states are called "expanded"? Can the soul expand? Perhaps the mind constricts with worries, fears and so on? And as my sensitivity is very heightened at the moment, I can even feel it physically. Is that perhaps the reason why I sometimes have chest tightness?
Incidentally, the ENT doctor blew through my ears and told me that I had sudden hearing loss. Well, let's take that as a working hypothesis. Although I was always of the opinion that you can't hear well with sudden hearing loss; I can hear everything more clearly. I said "No, thank you" to cortisone. It's good that I'm a doctor myself and can protect myself a little from quacks.
Wednesday 21.12.22 - My inner ME doesn't exist
I was totally knocked out this morning. I felt really sick and was glad to be at home.
Oh, I've got so used to living in the “state” that I no longer feel like a full human being without it. Somehow completely empty... I lay in bed and thought about whether I should perhaps meditate regularly in the evening to stabilise the "state", because there's always a lull in the morning. Perhaps the "state" will then become a "permanent state".
However, there are two catches with that: firstly, I sleep very restlessly at night in the "state". Secondly, it all happens far too quickly. It requires a lot of energy from me. I'm not so exhausted today for nothing. My outer life has become very quiet. I've done away with all unimportant activities. I now only do household chores, shopping and paperwork when I need to. The mountain of paper is growing. I no longer cook. No overtime. Don't meet up with friends. Hardly go out. Don't watch TV. And yet it's all too intense. I've stopped noticing how strong the current is because I'm completely caught up in it.
I'm even thinking of giving up my job for six months because it's difficult to combine everything. My daily, very intensive contact with patients, which I used to love. Switching from one contact person to another every ten minutes. Concentrating on each patient's problem, thinking about the solution, trying to be empathetic and multitasking at the same time: talking, listening, typing, thinking about which diagnoses and numbers I should enter. Besides, people often don't bring simple stories with them. It's often very emotional. Sometimes there is bad news that I have to deliver. Occasionally people die. It's all so intense. It's not really possible if your focus is inward and you can't concentrate…
I crawled out of bed at 10 o'clock this morning, all my limbs were aching, energy in the minus range. I stood in the kitchen and thought: I need a break! At that moment, I realised that the "state" would not happen today. Because I reject it. I didn't think it was a pity. Had breakfast. Meditated quite nicely. Yoga. Cleaned up a bit, then ran out of energy, went back to bed and slept.
I dreamt briefly and very intensely that I was swimming in a shallow, very clear stream below the surface. I rose up and saw the surface from below, very close to my nose, so that I could even see the leaves floating on top, rising anticipation, incredible joy - and woke up.
Woke up, turned onto my back and thought about everything that had happened.
It all seems so crazy to me, practically like a miracle. I realise that the world I live in is very different in reality. I mean, I've always known it. We only perceive a fraction of reality. For example, we can only perceive a small part of the radiation spectrum. And what about dark matter and dark energy, which together make up 97% of the universe? We cannot perceive 97% of the information! We only perceive what our sensory organs can detect. Any conclusions based on this knowledge are of course erroneous. Because they are built on an erroneous base.
But in my "Everything is on fire" experience, I was able to see reality. This vision is associated with such intense feelings that I can call it up at any moment and experience it again very closely. And - I suddenly found myself sitting there, in front of the swimming pool, seeing everything burning around me. Everything in motion. Flickering, like a mirage. An unexpected question arose: If reality is completely different to what I'm used to seeing, what's wrong with me?
YES, WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME???
This thought made me feel like Neo [The Matrix] waking up in his capsule and seeing the real world around him for the first time.
I knew I wasn't in the "state" today. How do I get an answer? I'm already so used to getting the answers easily in the "state". I decided to try out Kevin's "Intensive Thinking" method. I thought so intensely and so specifically that my scalp even tingled. It was a different experience to the "state". It was focussed thinking.
I looked inside myself with all my strength and wanted to see my core, my soul or my spirit or consciousness; I don't know what's in there. I dug deeper and deeper. And I saw that all the layers were falling away from me, one by one, like the dry skin of an onion. There were layers of my habits, beliefs, world views, upbringing, likes and dislikes, practically everything. These layers change, are unstable and therefore non-existent. They have been instilled in me in this world, I have consciously or unconsciously accepted them, I have been moulded so that I am able to survive here. But - that's not me!
I dug and dug and - I had to realise that there is NOTHING in there!  That I do not exist as ME, or as what I have always imagined it to be! There is only emptiness in there!
It felt like a deep truth, like direct knowledge that I am already used to experiencing in the "state". It was a pleasant realisation, very pleasant in fact. I lay there and savoured this emptiness within me. I felt somehow - free. Happy and free.
However, I'm sitting here now, writing my diary and wondering what this means? What does it mean that my ME doesn't exist? Somehow I have to rethink my world view? Readjust all my values? It's all very difficult to understand without the "state". I'll think about it tomorrow.
Part 2
December 2022 - February 2023
From the first to the tenth shackle
Thursday 22/12/22 - Speech
Today I have no time for myself again. I hope that no one will stop me from writing my diary for at least 30 minutes. Or should I lock myself in this house in the loo?
When I sank into meditation today and felt the “state”, that familiar warm feeling, I almost cried with happiness. Today, the “state” is barely noticeable, but I am still so happy that it exists. It has now changed from the first crazy phase; it's no longer as ecstatic, but it's still very pleasant.
I have noticed that in the "state" the positive feelings are intensified and the negative feelings are smoothed out. Today, for example, I burst into tears of happiness in the car when a Christmas song by Tom Goebel came on the radio. I can't remember ever having to cry because of the music... The world is so beautiful! And on top of that, I love everyone, I'm in a good mood and full of energy. In contrast, yesterday without the "state" I was irritable, felt empty, didn't understand things that are crystal clear in the "state".
I have come to the conclusion that the knowledge I receive does not come from heaven or somewhere outside, but from myself. Interesting... At least that's the impression I had yesterday. I'm going to the meditation centre today. I'm already looking forward to it.
Today I remembered Mrs Kosul, a neighbour from our old flat. We lived in the same house for 15 years. She was a kind of caretaker and a terror to the whole neighbourhood. This woman was always shouting and swearing. Several neighbours complained about her to the landlord, but it didn't help. When I watered my flowers on the balcony and a few drops of water fell on her terrace, I had to hide quickly so as not to hear her swearing. Not to mention when the wind blew something off my balcony.
This woman clearly didn't realise that every word she said was hurting someone. She was determined to remodel the people and our house and make everything perfect. The shrubs were shortened from their original height of around two metres to 50 cm. The maple tree, which was over 50 years old, had to be cut down so that it didn't litter her patio with leaves. She would also like to have the lawns around the house concreted over so that they no longer need to be mowed. She was not only hostile to people, she was also hostile to nature. How underdeveloped her soul must be if she didn't realise that she was hurting people. And how much she must have suffered in the depths of her soul, because she inflicted wounds on herself with every hostile word. Hmm, which came first, the chicken or the egg? What made Mrs Kosul lunge at people like that, was it her inner suffering or did her suffering come from her hostility? Her husband and children probably didn't leave her without a good reason…
The interesting thing was that she did a lot. She took care of cleanliness and tidiness. Her suggestions and motives were good, only her mouth was defective. This orifice was almost exclusively used for swearing. And that cancelled out all her good deeds! Now I know what the Buddhists mean when they say that a person consists of body, mind and speech. Speech can actually be seen as a separate part of the human being.
Evening...
Today I finally found a detailed explanation of the "states" in "Tanz mit dem Leben" [Dancing with life - English], pages 227-229. I completely agree with the text. And yet, after reading it, I felt a rising tide of rejection, if not despair. The "states" I love so much must be useless???? They must be ephemeral???? Philip Moffitt claims that I mistakenly think I'm further along in my journey than I am in reality! "States", in his opinion, lead to disappointment and attachments.... Why hasn't anyone told me this?
I was so disappointed that I skipped meditation in the centre and fell into bed with a glass of wine. I hadn't touched wine for months! I lay in bed, suffering and not knowing what to do next. Should I stop all this stuff? Carry on living an ordinary and painful life?
Somehow that was out of the question. Not after everything I've been through. Above all, I feel different. I feel less suffering. I pay much more attention to my language. I try to love everyone. Admittedly, this is easiest when I'm in the "state". But the "states" now accompany me every day. They have become the new me. Doesn't that matter at all? I think I'm having a crisis. I'd better go to bed now.
Friday, 23.12.22 - The cause of suffering
Yes, I seem to be in a crisis... When I woke up this morning, I was lying in bed disappointed and didn't feel like getting up for meditation at all. Then a thought occurred to me: for ME, "states" are very useful. And it doesn't matter what Philip Moffitt thinks about it! When I experience “states" I gain a deep knowledge that changes me. That's what it's all about, isn't it? I confess, I really thought I was more advanced. But even the small changes I feel are part of the journey. I've become much happier and have gained more confidence. I have found hope and a purpose in life. Oh my goodness, I'm marvelling at those words right now, but it really is true! 😀 I don't know if it would have happened without the "states".
And finally, the Buddha said that you should question everything and find your own way. That's exactly what I'm going to do now. I'm going to question Philip Moffitt's judgement. I am going to find out FOR MYSELF if "states" are good for me. He has informed me of a possible self-deception, I thank him for that.
After this thought, I jumped out of bed and ran to my stool to meditate. The meditation was beautiful. The "state" is deep, I am happy!
Later that evening…
I was lying in bed and didn't feel particularly well. Tiredness, inner restlessness, that roaring in my head again, a runny nose, aching limbs. I felt uncomfortable in my own body. Similar to Morocco after their football victory. But it wasn't my body that was bothering me the most, it was my soul. This suffering. It's been a long time since I felt it…
I tried to analyse what was going on. The answer was: You are the cause of your own suffering! You are. And then it dawned on me: I am ALWAYS the cause of my suffering! Only me! It is the desire or the unwillingness, like now - I refuse my cold, I don't want it - that causes the "rubbing" or "burning" and therefore the suffering! It is not the world around me that is to blame for my suffering. Not the circumstances. Not people and not force majeure. ONLY ME. Theoretically, you could be happy regardless of the circumstances.... I've read about this before. But it was only today that I experienced it on the third level.... Hallelujah! Deep realisation.
Sunday, 25.12.22 - A disastrous Christmas
We are currently in Baden-Württemberg with Peter's parents. This time the holidays are going very differently for me. Normally I enjoy being here, but yesterday I couldn't stand the family gatherings, which I usually like very much. I couldn't socialise with people, everything seemed so pointless and fleeting. I sat there and saw these people sick and dead. I looked at Peter's parents' house and saw it burning in the fire of time, saw with my inner gaze the excavation in the ground before the house was built and the emptiness in its place when it was demolished. I said goodbye to the place and the people, because they don't last forever.
I read the same explanation for my "states" as Philip Moffitt's in Maitreyabandhu's "Journey" yesterday. It's funny! For months no one could tell me what's wrong with me, and then within a week I come across the same information from two different sources. But Maitreyabandhu writes much more gently. If I had read it in his book first, it wouldn't have thrown me for a loop. I think the way the authors put it depends on their personal experience with the subject.
(Correction: my "states" were manifestations of the rising Kundalini, but I didn't know that at the time, and I was looking for an explanation in the wrong books).
Yesterday I realised that I suffer much less now. I've even become completely indifferent to some things. Yesterday, for example, I had quite an emotional confrontation with a family member. I just casually patted him on the back and said: "Why are we talking about this on this lovely evening?" The incident didn't trigger any negative emotions in me. It's nice to be in balance 😁 It's as if I have a cushion inside me that cushions everything. There are no more abrasions. It feels great!!!
Oh yes, and I was thinking about this yesterday: it took two months of incredible happiness to heal all the wounds and create this cushion. Looking back to October-November now (emotionally, it's been two years), I see a Niagara Falls of happiness. 😁😁😁
Later that evening...
It was a terrible day, another deep emotional crash. It's a roller-coaster of emotions: Up! Down! At first I didn't want to write about it. Here's a brief summary: I had an argument with Peter about Buddhism. Very strong emotions, I cried for half a day. All kinds of thoughts. My mind was working non-stop until I was exhausted. Finally I thought: "I don't want to go on! Should I give up? Keep suffering? But I don't feel like I have much of a choice. The process is ongoing.
After the argument, I was in a miserable mood for half a day, argued with my children and my mum and worsened my karma.
In addition, there were constant thoughts about the transience of this life, about appearing and disappearing. I was able to register the appearance and disappearance of my feelings very clearly. And in the evening I had the feeling that my integrity was broken. It was a kind of inner fragmentation, a separation into different parts. I had a terrible feeling that I had lost control of myself because each part was functioning on its own. That was very unpleasant and even frightening.
Before I went to bed, I decided to meditate on metta, thank God. The meditation was very weak. I could hardly feel love for myself, and even for the person I love, I could not. I stopped the meditation, but it still did me good.
Monday 26.12.22 - A small identity problem
Today I woke up as normal and felt whole again. Meditated and did yoga with Peter.
However, another complication unfortunately arose today. Before we went to the restaurant, I felt a problem with my own identity. It seems that the deep truth that my inner self doesn't exist has got a sequel.
It was like this. I dressed very nicely for the restaurant, with a dress and a necklace. I usually justify my overdressing by saying that I'm dressed in a way that I like and I stand by it, even though I know it's not usual here. But today my arguments didn't work. I felt an emptiness inside me, and I didn't know where this "me" that likes to dress pretty was. I started to feel embarrassed about my clothes. Peter's relatives came to dinner in simple jumpers, and I came as if to a wedding. I had to pull myself together. I was angry with myself and my mood was ruined. Oh my God, now there's a different problem every day!
In addition, a deep "state" set in very early whilst in the restaurant. So strong that I thought I was drunk. I had to be very careful with my choice of words, laughed a lot, was loud and talkative. After the meal, I was ashamed of my behaviour. Christmas was a total disaster this year.
Fortunately, I remembered that Christel had once said that she knew that her inner self didn't exist. At the time, I found this sentence very strange and even frightening, so I didn't question her any further. But now I really want to know how she lives with this deep truth and whether she has any personality problems. I've just sent her a message and we've arranged a phone call for tomorrow.
Tuesday, 27.12.22 - The ten shackles
We're back home. Somehow the whole thing has really worn me out. I wished for peace and quiet today so that I could look at everything from the outside. The "state" was exactly what I wanted it to be, not too high. I was able to think about a few things in peace.
Firstly, I now know that the "state" intensifies my feelings astronomically. If it's joy - to the point of ecstasy, rapture and euphoria. If it's sadness, it reaches the point of split personality. Apparently some structures in the brain are very close to each other, so that the spark jumps over... Funny, I only thought of this today when the "state" subsided. It's hard to judge the flow when you're in it. It's the same with these "states", I can't see the picture clearly because I'm in a "state" all the time. I feel like I don't have a general idea of what's going on.
On the way home, we listened to a podcast about meditation. It was about the possible side effects of meditation!!!! I didn't realise that there were any. There was a warning not to meditate intensively if you have unprocessed trauma. The author mentioned that people can get caught up in the "unravelling" and need intensive support. In principle, I don't have any unresolved trauma and I'm not afraid to meditate. But I would like to know why I get "states" and other people don't.
I spoke to Christel on the phone in the evening and she was able to give me some very useful information. It turned out that the realisation of the non-existent ego is very valuable and is the first of the ten shackles that you have to break in order to awaken. According to the Buddhist teachings, I will never again be born below the human level! I must have missed the chance to live as a blue whale for good! 🤣 Release from the first shackle is referred to by Buddhists as "stream-entry" because you are on the path to awakening.
Be that as it may. Christel sent me a link from Christiana Michelberger's website. Very interesting! Above all, I can now assess what stage of the process I am at. Also, this information makes it much easier to communicate with people, because I experience "states", deep truths and other experiences, but it is difficult to exchange in the centre because I don't know how to name it all. For example, I have never told anyone about the "grey matter", this "emptiness" that I experienced in meditation. What can I say: I saw nothing???? But today everything is clear: I have released the first shackle.
Why have I never heard of the ten shackles? This is the first really helpful piece of information that I so desperately need in my process, the key to awakening. I am so grateful to Christel for supporting me on this path. I am so grateful to Christiana for her website. Everything is well described. I don't understand the further shackles though. I understand the words, but I don't see the point behind them... The first three shackles, however are as clear as day.
https://www.unterwegsmitbuddha.de/die-zehn-fesseln/
I just had a quick look at the site today. Christiana writes that she is neither holy nor wise. But most likely awakened... It says on the page that the next two shackles are released with the first: Fear and Doubt (the second shackle). That would be great if I had no more fears and doubts from now on! 🤩 I'll have to keep an eye on it. As for rules and rituals (the third shackle), I've never experienced them particularly strongly. I don't like rituals and although I follow most of the rules, sometimes I just find them ridiculous.
Tonight I experienced a very deep meditation at the centre based on the principle of feeling and sinking into oneself. It was really painful to emerge after 40 minutes when the gong sounded. I have decided to repeat it again at home at the weekend when I have more time.
The "state" is almost gone, but I'm glad for the little breathing space. I hardly feel any exhaust fumes now, only a little during meditation.
Wednesday, 28.12.22 - Space and time do not exist
2am in the morning...
Oh, my God! No more resting phases! The most intense "state" ever. Tonight I had dinner with Violetta, a friend of mine, and told her about my experiences. She listened with great interest and said it didn't scare her. During the conversation, I entered a deep "state" that I had already experienced twice before: during my conversations with Anissita and with Kevin.
This "state" was so strong that I completely lost myself in time. Time was just a series of "now" moments. I was a little embarrassed, but I couldn't answer Violetta's simple question about what I was planning to do tomorrow. I just couldn't remember what day it was.... She mentioned Wednesday, but that information didn't help me. I could only perceive the now. I didn't know what I had done yesterday or what would happen tomorrow.  Complete temporal disorientation. Yes, today I felt like I was in the shoes of one of my senile dementia patients…
When we wanted to leave the restaurant, I suddenly couldn't find my way to the exit. I'd been to this restaurant at least ten times and suddenly I couldn't remember where the door was. Somehow I found my way to the exit and the car park, got into my car, drove to the exit and then I was sitting there, not knowing where to go. To the left? To the right?
I know this road inside out. I've driven it more than a thousand times because I worked in a nearby hospital for five years; it was my daily commute. I thought very easily - what could happen to me here? I'll find my way home somehow. It didn't occur to me to switch on the sat nav. I turned left, sat at the traffic lights and knew: I know this place. There's the shop I've often been to, and there's the petrol station where I regularly fill up. But I didn't know which way to go. To the left? To the right? Straight ahead?
I drove straight ahead. You guessed right! 🤣 That's how I worked my way from one place to the next. I knew all these places. I just couldn't connect them in my head. At some point I arrived home, drove into the garage and was very proud of myself. I watched another film with Peter, switched off the light and the thinking began.
It was something new today. I've had problems with time before. But what was different was that the space felt localised, like a series of 'here's'. This was completely new to my perception. I lay in the dark and pondered. What does that mean?
Suddenly I was struck by a profound realisation: space and time do not exist at all! They are just a construct of the mind! I felt an incredible sense of relief and happiness at this thought, although of course this sounds completely implausible and contradicts all scientific principles and even our everyday experience. But at that moment, this realisation was undeniable for me and the only possible truth. Direct knowledge.
The feeling of freedom was very strong. It was much stronger than when I released the first shackle. I had the feeling that I could suddenly see. It was as if a blindfold or a veil had fallen from my eyes. I can still feel this lightness in my chest, even though it's been an hour. I can breathe so easily, it's just crazy. I thought: it must have been some kind of restraint! I quickly pulled out my mobile phone and called up Christiane Michelberger's website => nothing like that! The next shackle would be "desire", then "rejection", which coincide. Space and time are not mentioned. I can only guess. What was that? It seemed to me to be the deepest truth.
But that wasn't all. I tried to concentrate on the "here and now" - there is only "here and now" everywhere, nothing else. Everything else is just an illusion. I concentrated, and suddenly I felt the "grey matter" around me that I had experienced in the meditation on 05.11.22. This emptiness, this nothingness. In fact, you can't call this substance grey. It has no colour, no smell, no boundaries, no properties at all, it is indefinable. Something indeterminable. Something infinite. Completely neutral. But not empty. This is something that I cannot describe. I perceived myself in this emptiness. This nothingness was here, all around me, but at the same time I perceived myself in my bed. Somehow I existed in parallel in this world and in that world. And all this outside of the meditative state!
And then came an even more absurd thought: "Space and time do not exist. That's why our powerful spirit can manipulate this matter and make it accessible to others too. That was such a powerful thought that everything inside me vibrated like the strings of a harp.  I MYSELF felt like this powerful spirit at that moment. For a few infinite minutes I felt ALL powerful. I felt like I could touch the space-time matter with my bare hands and arrange it into folds. I felt like God…
The thought was so pervasive and unbelievable that I reached for my mobile phone again and quickly texted Christel. I was afraid that I would forget the thought by morning. My God, I don't know how poor Christel coped when she woke up. She probably thought all my fuses had blown. 🤣
In any case, it was an incredible event. I couldn't sleep any more. I decided to get up and write everything down. I know from experience that things get lost during the night.
Why did it happen today? Was it yesterday's deep meditation? Or was it a long conversation with Violetta? I still have to find out and think about it all. Another conversation with Anissita is planned for tomorrow evening. Maybe he can help me further.
I'm really tired... Lately, when I'm in the "state", I feel like I'm flowing.... My brain is flowing. I don't know if it should make me happy or worried.... I've always thought of my brain as very elastic, but it shouldn't totally liquefy either! 🤣
And one more thing. I've just looked at a diagram that Christel sent me a few days ago. According to this diagram, I could have experienced the unconditional. I don't really understand this diagram. Nevertheless, I would like to document it here so that it is not forgotten. I first had to Google the Buddhist terminology. And in doing so, I realised an important truth: AWAKENING IS NOT THEORETICAL! It is not something you can learn or understand! It is an ACTION that must be experienced. Awakening is not something intellectual. All the good books and marvellous tables are just signposts. But the path must be travelled alone.
•Prajna: Great comprehensive wisdom that permeates all things in the entire universe. It is experienced intuitively and directly when the idea of the separation of subject and object is overcome in Samadhi.

• •Samadhi: State of consciousness in which discursive thinking ceases.

• •Discursive: Methodical and logical reasoning.

•Sila: Practical summary of the practice intentions for the development of the virtue section of the noble eightfold path: right belief, right thought, right speech, right action, right living, right striving, right concentration, right contemplation.

• •Samsara: Sorrowful transient world, endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth.

•Nirvana: Exit from Samsara through "awakening", "expiring", "passing away", "grasping" or "understanding". Nirvana also means absolute transcendence - unborn, uncreated, unformed, the "inaccessible to thought", in which there is no subject, no object, no space, no time and no definition.

• •Non-returner: One is no longer born in this conductive world, but in a higher and finer world.

• •Dharmadhatu: The purified mind in its natural state, free from veils.

Sunday, 01.01.23 - A productive day
I hid in the office today and locked the door. This is crazy. It's impossible to find peace and quiet in this house; the only privacy is in the bathroom. I used to love this intense interaction with my family, but now I crave solitude and seclusion. I have dedicated the holidays to my family, and today I want to spend a day (or at least half a day, it's already 12 o'clock) alone with my thoughts.
This profound truth made a huge impression on me on Wednesday evening. Much more than the fact that my ego doesn't exist. However, the word "impressed" only covers a fraction of the feelings. It's as if my perceptions of this world have been reset to zero. Everything is completely different from my previous perceptions.  I was much better orientated in space the next day, and yet I accidentally drove into the opposite lane when I went to pick up Grandma Lisa. Someone honked at me, but nothing bad happened and I was let through.  😆
Another conversation with Anissita took place on Thursday evening. It was a bit more informative now. I think I've learnt that you have to ask Anissita specific questions, which he then answers. But I have to say that I no longer feel completely helpless. I'm no longer being carried by the current and am slowly starting to paddle myself. 😅 Christiane Michelberger says that we become self-sufficient when we free ourselves from the first shackles. I'm making a note of the shackles here as a precaution, just in case I get stuck somewhere without internet. (Note: I was still writing my diary on paper back then).

1. 1.Belief in personality (sakkaya-ditthi); the view that this aggregate is real and permanent (sat-kaya-ditthi)
2. 2.Worries and doubts about existence (vicikiccha)
3. 3.Attachment to rules and rites (silabbata-paramaso)
4. 4.Sensual desire (kamacchanda)
5. 5.Ill-will, go away! (vyapada)
6. 6.Desire for form (rupa-raga)
7. 7.Desire for freedom from form (arupa-raga)
8. 8.Self-conceit (mano), I-am-feeling (asmi-mano)
9. 9.Restlessness (uddhacca)
10. 10.Ignorance (avijja)

Source: https://www.unterwegsmitbuddha.de/die-zehn-fesseln/
In general, Anissita answered all my questions, but I only half understood his answers because I am not familiar with Buddhist terminology. When I asked him what is the benefit of knowing that my ego does not exist, he replied, for example: one cannot be offended if one knows that there is nothing in us that can be offended. 😅
Yesterday I could really feel this emptiness inside me and for a moment I thought that if someone shot arrows at me, they would just fly through me! They can't hit me because the "me" doesn't exist! Wonderful! This feeling lasted for a whole morning. After lunch, I got caught up in the stress of cooking and tidying up for my upcoming guests. The focus of attention shifted outwards and all that wonderful feeling was gone…
Poor Anissita doesn't understand me. Probably like the rest of the world. He thinks things are moving too fast for me. He says I won't be able to understand and bear it. But he can't know how quickly my 'states' will change me. I don't need years to understand something. One deep truth in the "state" and you are IMMEDIATELY changed. It's true, I haven't integrated the deep truth about my absent self yet, but it came when I wasn't experiencing a "state". I experienced it just as I suspect all other people do.
In general, I believe that I am somehow on a short path to awakening. What for many is a very long path through many reincarnations, I am shortening thanks to my “states”. I don't want to sound arrogant, because I'm not arrogant. It's just a feeling and possibly an illusion. Time will tell.
As for the shackles: I can imagine them as veils or covers through which you can only partially see the world around you. When a veil falls away, you can see something better. Maybe the veils fall away by themselves if I give myself a good shake? 🤣 Unfortunately, something is preventing me from giving myself a good shake. That's why the term "shackles" is probably more appropriate. Maybe they're not that hard to break, since I've imposed them on myself. I think it's like solving a puzzle where I already know the answer, I just have to remember it. (I later read that the term "veil" is actually used in Buddhist terminology, so my feeling was very close to the truth).
I began to work on the fourth and fifth shackles: Desire and rejection. Last night, as Peter snored in bed next to me, I felt a wave of rejection rise up in me, an unwillingness to listen to this snoring. A reaction followed faster than I could register: I reached out and pushed Peter. It all happened so quickly, madness! But it was the first time in my life that I was able to consciously observe my reaction. Would I be able to feel the gap between impulse and reaction and stop my reaction next time? What would happen then?
Today I was also watching my appetite. Oooh, this is a great training ground! After lunch, I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and saw an apple on the table. Even though I was full, my hand reached for the apple and I consciously registered the impulse. But my rule is not to eat anything between meals, so I stopped with my hand outstretched and listened to myself. Where is this impulse? And when I took a closer look, it had disappeared! Our desires are so short-lived! They only exist for a split second!
I have to get out of here. I don't just want to weaken the fourth and fifth shackles, I want to release them completely. Maybe I won't awaken, but at least I'll be born in a higher world where there isn't so much suffering. At least that's what the Buddhist teachings say. I can't go back to this world. I CAN'T DO IT AGAIN. Not to this world. I feel like Agent Smith from "The Matrix", who is disgusted by this world and desperately wants to leave it…
An idea has just occurred to me: Maybe "states" are periods of awakening. Not a full awakening, because everything is still very hazy. But in a “state” I experience different aspects of the real world. I see reality for a short time, such as the non-existence of time and space. And then I fall back into the "dream".
The "state" comes slowly. Pure happiness! 🤩🤩🤩
Tonight I was probably experiencing a "state"; I couldn't sleep and was thinking about the fourth shackle. At some point the phrase "a process that changes" came to mind and I felt a great sense of joy, as if I was on the right track. But I was too tired, we didn't go to bed until about 1am and I didn't feel like getting up to follow these thoughts.... Maybe I regret it now... But I mustn't cling to it. It's just the way it is…
When I was Googling terms for Christel's diagram on Wednesday evening, I came across the definition of Nirvana and was surprised to find that it was worded very differently to how I had previously understood it.
"Nirvana or Nirvana (Sanskrit निर्वाण nirvāṇa n.; nis, nir 'out', vā 'blowing away') or Nibbana (Pali: nibbāna) is a key Buddhist term that describes the exit from Samsara, the cycle of suffering, existence and rebirths (reincarnation) through awakening (Bodhi). The word means "extinction" (literally "passing away", also understood by some Buddhists as "grasping" in the sense of understanding) in the sense of the end of all factors associated with false personal ideas of existence, such as ego addiction, greed and attachment (Upadana).
Likewise, nirvana denotes the contrast to the immanent cycle of Samsara, the absolute transcendence - unborn, uncreated, unformed - the "inaccessible to the senses (thinking, contemplation, reflection)", in which there is neither subject nor object, neither space nor time, neither differentiation nor nameable qualities."
Source: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirwana
I also came across the term "absolute transcendence". Could this be the grey matter, this nothingness? It is unimaginable what mankind already knew back then. It is unforgivable how ignorant we are in this area today. I cannot put into words the deep respect I have for Buddha. The word "genius" cannot express all my feelings! I could never have imagined in my life that I would be so passionately interested in the millennia-old scriptures and that I would be able to understand any of it. Speaking of which, I don't think I will be admitted to the annual course at the Buddhist centre. I can't explain the reason for this rejection. The first time I enquired was back in September and various members of the order kept turning me down as if they were in cahoots. I'm sure the course could have given me a lot of information. I feel like Sangharakshita wrote in his sonnet: "I'm making my way alone through the dense forest. Here and there a signpost appears. But you are still all alone". I need to read a lot more. It would be nice to reduce my work and household commitments. I set myself a goal: at least ten pages a day. The world out there can wait. It doesn't even exist.
Ah yes, another useful thing.  I seem to be learning to avoid negative feelings in the "state". Today I was angry with Vincent and wanted to tell him off, but Kevin stopped me just in time by saying, "You're hurting yourself right now!" That was very appropriate because I could already feel my chest tightening. A little more and it would have been much worse, because negative feelings become terrible when you're in a "state". I know that now.
Christel sent me two addresses where you can get help for meditation-related emergencies. But she must have misunderstood me. The last time I was very emotional when I told her about the new experiences. I experienced them on the third level, and of course I can't be indifferent about it. I probably don't look completely normal when I'm so upset... But I certainly don't need therapy. 😅
A little later...
I meditated. Such a strong desire to release these shackles... During meditation, the following thoughts occurred to me: wanting and not wanting is again a process, like yin and yang, two parts of one. This can be applied to everything: Knowledge, food, love, work, children, life, death, generally to everything in this world. But everything relates to a starting point: me. Where is this me that wants or doesn't want? It doesn't exist! The ego is just a process that is influenced by desire or aversion. The stronger the desire or aversion, the stronger the influence. You could imagine a metal ball that is attracted by one end of a magnet and then by the other. This creates the friction and the suffering. Only when the sphere is at rest is there complete peace and happiness. This image is based on the feeling of the sphere and the feeling of absolute peace that I experienced on 10/12/22. However, I don't feel any relief from these thoughts right now. Is this the right way? (Later it turned out that I had tried different thought patterns in my search for a solution to the fourth shackle. I chose the ones that made me feel an inner vibration and joy. The idea with the ball was a dead end).
16:30...
I just got off the phone with Christelle. She mentioned the term "Bodhichitta". Definition: "The unsubduable will to enlightenment". Yes, this applies to me: I first expressed this thought on my first retreat and experienced it later at night when I woke up feeling the fullest concentration on awakening. I strive for it primarily for myself and secondarily for others. Kristel also used another term: "Bodhisattva". It too is completely in line with my inner feeling. The definition of a Bodhisattva is: ‘a being whose whole being is centred on the pursuit of enlightenment - not only for their own benefit, but also for the benefit of all beings.’
Later that evening...
Today, for once, I was able to take some time for myself. I've just read in Maitreyabandhu's book ‘Living in Absolute Mindfulness’: "For insight to arise, special factors must be present; clarity, integration, uninterrupted concentration, positive emotion, trust, self-confidence and also surrender". I suspect that my "states" offer me all of these things, so it's just raining with the various insights. I don't know exactly what he means by clarity though. When I'm in my "state" I often feel confused, can't find things and am forgetful. Maybe it doesn't mean clarity in relation to this conditioned world? - OK, just read what he meant.  🤩 - "The ability to reflect fruitfully, honestly and searchingly is essential. So is examining our perspectives, testing our assumptions and our beliefs." p. 269 Well, I reflect every day with my diary.🤩 And I even examine my assumptions at night! 🤣
Ohhhh... And now he writes exactly what I feel: "...A deep conviction of reality. It is the conviction that truth exists and that existence has meaning. It is a feeling of trust. Compared to this insight, our everyday life, our conventional way of seeing things, is less real. It's like a mirage, insubstantial and painful" Oh my God, that's so true! This man is a genius. I feel something, but I can't put it into words. And then, bang! It's in black and white.
Wow. I can't take any more. Ten pages a day is an absolute utopia. Today it took me two hours to read eight pages!!!!! And this from Maitreyabandhu, who writes so easily. My brain is already smoking. I will have to read page 275 again!
Tuesday, 02.01.23 - A grin in the darkness
I fell asleep today thinking: You have to accept the day as it is. During the night, I had an incredible feeling of happiness, an indescribably pleasant sensation in my chest. Like an orgasm, only softer and longer. I felt myself grinning out of my sleep. A blissful smile on my face in the middle of the night...
Thursday 05/01/2013 - I'm working on the fourth shackle
Over the last few days I've been unable to meditate deeply because I've been too exhausted. I had to lock myself in my bedroom this afternoon and write to the family group that I don't want to be disturbed. It's a holiday right now, all family members including both grandmothers are here and there's a lot going on. I even had to use my earplugs because the constant stomping was so loud. I was able to meditate beautifully! I was distracted at times, thinking about this and that, but still managed to go deep.
For a few days now, my thoughts have been constantly revolving around the fourth shackle. I imagine that I am a ball that wants peace, but is torn from its centre and rocked back and forth with every wish or rejection. One wish and it flies to the left! A rejection - and it flies to the right!
I was just thinking about this feeling in meditation and then I realised: I am nothing! I literally felt this hole, this emptiness inside me. How can nothingness want or not want something? At that moment I realised that my desires were also just an illusion! Such a wave of joy swept from my stomach to my head that I almost fell off my stool. I rejoiced inwardly. I asked myself: had I now loosened the fourth and fifth shackles? I just felt great, happy and free!
When I finished meditating, I immediately looked it up on Christiane Michelberger's website because I thought it was described differently there. It says that you first formulate a sentence. Then you examine the desires, you feel the gap and at some point there is a shift and you understand the nature of wanting and not wanting. Perhaps I have formulated this sentence for myself today? Maybe everyone has to formulate the sentence for themselves?
So my sentence would be: “I can't want something because I'm nothing”. Hmmm. As I write this sentence down now, I don't feel much movement inside me. Absolutely no comparison to the violent reaction I had today during the meditation. It lasted for a few more hours, until late afternoon, and gave me an indescribably wonderful feeling in my chest, warmth and freedom, similar to the feeling after a run when all the airways are clear. It was pure joy, unconditional happiness. I felt that I had made progress and wrote to Christel about it. We could work together on the fourth shackle. Together towards awakening!
I was so busy all day today that I didn't have time to think about whether I had wants or dislikes. As I was about to go to bed, I reached for a chewing gum and caught myself. Was it a craving? If so, it was pretty weak. I'll keep watching it tomorrow. I want to understand the nature of desires!
Friday, 06.01.23 - Nocturnal revelation
Oh man, I've been sleeping so badly lately. Every spare minute I have I'm thinking about waking up, even at night. Tonight I had this thought: I am nothing, there is nothing around me, and therefore I am one with the universe. A completely irrational thought! But I was overcome by such a familiar wave of happiness, as if it were a profound truth. However, I was no longer able to analyse this thought. I'll have to scrutinise it over the next few days.
Saturday, 07.01.23 - In the service of others
Could it be that I'm using one region of my brain very intensively at the moment and that's why all the others are in standby mode? I'm having real trouble thinking. I can't think of some words (more when speaking than when writing). It's not a big deal in principle, but it's annoying. And another thing: I find it very difficult to work in the office when I'm in the "state". It really is a problem when the past only exists to a limited extent. It's good that I can rely on my notes in the computer when I'm working, otherwise I would be completely helpless.
I'm also really exhausted right now from this extroverted work because the focus is inwards. I wonder how Buddha dealt with this when he awoke. Life in the here and now is very exhausting. How did he even find his way on his wanderings? Or did he take a purely random turn while walking, like I did on 28 December?
Yesterday I was only able to meditate at around 4pm. I was too exhausted to get up at five in the morning. Firstly, I sleep so badly, and secondly, Peter snores. I'll have to banish him from the bedroom for a while at least. I didn't meditate until after work, a nice deep meditation. I thought about what it would be like to be one with the universe. But there was no great wave of joy. As I thought about my desires, I realised that personal desires don't matter at all when you are one with the universe and all living beings. I experienced a wonderful reaction: happiness, joy, tingling all over my body, which unfortunately didn't last long.
In principle, this idea [in service of others] is not new to me, just the wording itself. After all, I do something for others every day. I am constantly at the service of my patients and my family. I act in their interests, not my own. I also try to think about the environment, even if that means more work for me.
[ANNOTATION:
BY 'Jason Farenden'
ON '2025-09-10T15:53:57.114009032'JSF
NOTE: 'Possibly tress I am killing or destroying? Check with Olga']When I sort paper, I think of the trees that I am giving life to. When I go for a walk, I pick up rubbish and think of the fish in the pond next door that can no longer swallow it. When I teach Nelly (a friend of mine), who is studying for her specialist exam, I hope she passes. And so on. I work almost constantly for others. This process has only one disadvantage: I never have time for myself!
Sunday, 08.01.23 - Gold thoughts
Yesterday I felt strange. I couldn't articulate what was going on and it annoyed me all the more. I felt all of the emotions very clearly and there were a lot of negative ones among them. This fourth shackle, this wanting to have: does that perhaps only relate to feelings? Or to material things as well? I want to be free from negative feelings! Does this desire mean that I am trapped in the fourth shackle? The main reason for the unpleasant thoughts was that I want to achieve something and cannot. It was similar to when I wanted to get out of a cocoon and couldn't. I've had some lovely deep insights this week, but I don't feel like I'm getting any closer to releasing the fourth shackle. Could it be that I'm not ready for it yet? Is the process still going on at all?
On the way home from the swimming pool, it occurred to me that I shouldn't lose confidence in my process. I've been through a "dry phase" like this before. And it's not really a dry phase at all. But the burning desire to be free won't leave me alone. It burns in my chest. It causes negative emotions...
23:30...
Crap! In this house, I can only think in peace in bed.  As a result, I spend half the night nursing deep thoughts instead of sleeping. Good thing I've slept well over the past three days!
This evening the following came into my head:
1)Somehow lately I literally feel the "fibres" that connect me to the world around me. I am "woven" into this fabric, I am a part of it. The more you want for yourself, the more the fabric stretches on you, like a heavy stone would stretch a net. If, on the other hand, I do something for others, the energy is redistributed and the fabric relaxes. Even when the people around me do something for me, my body relaxes. My mum irons my clothes, which gives me more time. 🤩🤩🤩 A person should give as much as possible; that would improve their energy levels! I may be writing nonsense.... But I have a deep feeling that this is important for awakening. Praying for others or metta meditation are also helpful to relax the material. 😅
2)Desire continues to keep me very busy. My mind wants peace, because absolute happiness is possible in absolute peace. Desire pulls me forward, I lean. Unwillingness pushes me back, I fall.... Right now I have no strong desires or unwillingness, so it's hard for me to explore them. But I can remember six years ago having an immense, outsized desire to buy a house. This desire was probably the strongest I have ever felt. And it caused me a lot of pain when I thought it would never come true. God oh God, how this wish tormented me, it almost broke me. Maybe I can explore this wish to release the fourth shackle?
Later, another thought occurred to me: my ego does not exist, the world as we see it does not exist either. Desires are so short-lived by nature (without the reinforcement of thought), so they don't exist either. So why do we have the illusion that we are attracted or repelled by something? Or you can put it this way: The mind doesn't create wanting or not wanting something. That is an illusion. And yet I feel it. What is the nature of this phenomenon? At this thought, I felt a warmth in my chest. That was unusual. But I interpreted it as a sign that I was on the right path.
I would love to read the two books on the Awakened that are in my cupboard. But to be honest, I want to find out everything for myself. It's just an illusion, a veil that I've thrown over myself. Like a bonnet that I have pulled over my eyes. The view is restricted.
3)Finally I lay there and wanted to sleep, and I thought: How could I help some of my patients who are suffering from severe mental health problems? I probably shouldn't mention the word "Buddhism", because contact with a foreign religion can frighten people. I could tell my patients that our desires cause us suffering. The first noble truth from Buddha's teachings. And then it dawned on me: we are here because we have wished it for ourselves! This life, this suffering, we have wished it for ourselves! My heart was pounding so hard that I knew I had to get up and write it down. Now I won't be able to sleep. LIFE ATTRACTS US! God, how banal. Everyone knows that. Why do I come up with such simple ideas in such complicated ways? Unfortunately, I'll probably have to finish this thought tomorrow, I'm too tired now.
4)At that moment came the crowning moment of today, and I suddenly realised: NOTHING EXISTS!!! It is impossible to explain. EVERYTHING is an illusion in our mind. I am the part of the "grey matter", this emptiness. EVERYTHING is this substance. EVERYTHING IS NOTHING! It was as if my eyes were opened and I saw the real world! In this sense, there is no separation between me and something else. There is no separation between subject and object. Everything is one!
I don't understand why I'm dealing with this now. I should be working on my wishes and rejections. But it came to me today, and I have to say that I'm not in a “state” at the moment.
Well, it is what it is. Then I'll just have to work on my enlightenment at night…
Oh, there's something else I wanted to write down: living in the here and now does have its advantages. On Mondays, I simply accept that it’s Monday and don't wish it was Friday, like one of our medical assistants. All days have become the same for me, every day is today and Friday doesn't even exist. I feel like I've been living in the flow of time all my life and have suddenly fallen out of it... Everything stands still and goes nowhere. Never in my life would I have believed that something like this was possible…
Could it be that the properties of this emptiness are such that space and time simply do not exist? And that I perceive these properties in my "awakening phases"? Somehow I have the feeling that my brain is currently living on the border between the two worlds. Sometimes it perceives more from one side and sometimes more from the other.
Now off to bed and hopefully a good 4.5 hours' sleep.
(Note: From today's perspective, I can say that all these thoughts were spot on. At the time, I understood them only on an intellectual level because I wasn't in a "state". The time will come when I can really live through them). 🤩🤩🤩
Monday, 09.01.23 - The second time I put my foot in my mouth
This morning I didn't meditate and - lo and behold - I was able to work almost normally. Slower than before, but without any major problems. I thought to myself: Great! That's the solution! Then I'll meditate during my lunch break from now on. Well... I had just 20 minutes left of my lunch break and I couldn't get into it, even though I tried very hard. I was too agitated. This German healthcare system is driving me crazy. All these unnecessary and expensive examinations demanded by anxiety-driven patients and carried out by profit-orientated doctors... That's why our diaries are so full and really sick people have to wait months for appointments... The endless costs incurred by health insurers, who in turn have no choice but to constantly increase contributions. Soon this system will collapse like a house of cards…
I sat and pondered. I don't know how to solve this meditation problem... The "states" are so difficult to combine with productive work... In any case, I guess I need to meditate in the morning when my mind is still clear.
In the evening I wanted to go through the book "Tanz mit dem Leben" [Dancing with Life – English] again; there were some very important topics in the third part, some of which I didn't understand. I read it a second time and again didn't understand. Transcendence, transparency, blah blah blah, it's all still too high level for me. I came back to the part that depressed me so much last time. I thought I was already "hardened" and Philip Moffitt's opinion about my "states" would no longer discourage me, but I was wrong.
I was once again hurt and demoralised. I was so disappointed that I thought: "You have been living in a mirage for almost six months now, which only confuses you and is of no use to you. Instead of transforming your mind according to the usual Buddhist rules, you are hoping to jump over all the hurdles. The path that others walk their whole lives, you want to skim over in a few months. You can't objectify your progress at all because you are permanently in a "state". You are fooling yourself and playing with the hope of being much further along than you actually are.”
These self-harming thoughts upset me so much that I seriously considered leaving Buddhism. To carry on with my life as before, to forget all this nonsense. I went to bed and set my alarm for 5am.
Tuesday, 10.01.23 - Overcoming self-doubt
I didn't meditate this morning, but I was able to work wonderfully. For the first time in months, my head was completely clear and I worked quickly and focussed, just like I used to. However, at around ten o'clock, the tightness in my chest became noticeable and was getting worse by the minute. I could hardly wait for my break and sat down at twelve o'clock to meditate, but despite my best efforts I couldn't sink in. At least I felt a slight improvement in the physical discomfort. I had the feeling that something was tightening in my chest. And I can still feel it!
22:30…
Bollocks. Once again, I have to see that this is a one-way street and I have no choice... Of course I can ignore the discomfort. I probably won't die from it. But if I go back to normality, it will mean endless suffering. More circles in Samsara (in Buddhist terms, the endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth). Maybe other people like that, but for me it's just an eternal horror.
Well, I took note of this unsuccessful meditation and thought: Today I will still be able to meditate deeply at the buddhist centre. But unfortunately this hope was in vain. The meditation was started by an ordained person whom I had never seen in the centre before. She kept interrupting us to read out some text or verse and it was impossible to immerse ourselves. So I sat in silence for 45 minutes, bored and annoyed. Afterwards there was a talk about Karuna (a Triratna charity) with a film.
During the break, Melanie - my first friend at the centre - recommended a book by Sangharakshita (founder of the European Buddhist movement Triratna), which she is currently reading: "Buddhist Practice: Ethics, Meditation, Wisdom". I opened the book by chance on page 109 and suddenly read about "grey matter", this emptiness. It is described there as the first formless dhyana.
Quote: "The four formless dhyanas describe the experience of realms that become increasingly subtle and subtler. The first of these four higher states of consciousness of the formless world is the sphere of infinite space or the experience of spatial infinity. In this experience there are no more objects. To understand this, remember that when you reach the fourth dhyana of the form world, you have completely left body consciousness behind.
When one withdraws from the senses and thus from the perception of things, all that remains is the experience of endless space - space that expands limitlessly in all directions and is present everywhere. This experience is not a visual experience in which you look out from a certain point IN space into infinite space. Rather, it is a feeling of freedom and vastness, an experience in which one's entire being expands without limits.”
Now I know the name of what I experienced! - But what followed was even more interesting.
"The second formless dhyana is called the sphere of infinite consciousness. It is attained by "realising" that one has experienced spatial infinity, that is, there was an awareness of endless space. Accordingly, there must also be an infinity of consciousness that corresponds to the infinity of space. It is the subjective counterpart to an objective state or experience. By letting go of the experience of space at this stage and focussing on the experience of consciousness, i.e. its infinity, one experiences the infinity of consciousness: consciousness that, like space before it, expands in all directions, just a little, starting from a certain point; simply consciousness that is present everywhere.
The third formless dhyana is even more sublime - but it is still worldly in nature. This state of superconsciousness is called the sphere of non-entity or non-ownership. In this experience it is no longer possible to recognise any particular object as different from another. Our ordinary everyday consciousness distinguishes a flower from a tree, a man from a house. At this sublime level, however, things no longer have any intrinsic thingness. This is not an experience of nothingness, but an experience of non-thingness.
The fourth formless dhyana is the sphere of neither-perception-nor-non-perception. Having passed from the infinite object to the infinite subject, one now goes beyond both and reaches a stage where one cannot say whether one perceives anything or not - for in a sense there is no one here to say anything. You are not yet completely beyond subject and object, but you can no longer think or experience in the sense of subject and object either."
It was so exciting that I immediately ordered the book from Amazon. Admittedly, I only understood the first dhyana. (A comment from later: today it all seems crystal clear to me, but back then the words slid off the surface of my brain without a trace, like raindrops on a lotus flower).
The evening was not in vain! I felt strongly motivated again. Alarm clock for 5 o'clock is set! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
The most important thing that moved me was that when I watched the disaster footage in the Karuna film, I felt no pity. I felt pure love. And joy that these people were being helped. As if from a bird's eye view, I observed the suffering of these people and the changes in myself. It was a whole new way of looking at things. And - I was definitely not in a "state" while watching. That means: I HAVE ALREADY CHANGED! To hell with insecurity! Didn't Buddha also talk about self-doubt? Welcome to the club! 😜
Wednesday, 11.01.23 - Opening up to the day
Very briefly: I didn't have much time for meditation today. I meditated "Six Minute Morning Routine" on the 7mind app. The presenter Dorothea advised me to open up to today, with all its joys and challenges. That's it!!! I have learnt in my transformation to open up, with the hope that the suffering will fly through me, so to speak. I think it's easier to open up when you know there's nothing inside you. 😅
Thursday, 12.01.23 - Taking life as it is
08:30
I realise that I have developed an attachment to the Buddhist centre. On Tuesday I wrote to Anissita asking for a chat, and at the same time I asked Ratna to take me on as a mitra to get a chance to attend a mitra course. (The Sanskrit word mitra means friend. By becoming a mitra, one expresses that one considers oneself a Buddhist and feels a friendly connection to the Triratna community). They still haven't replied and that makes me sick. I've been running through all sorts of scenarios in my head. This morning I woke up with these thoughts and realised that the reason for my suffering is once again myself. Maybe now is the time to deepen the work on myself. I would like to say the following sentence every morning in meditation: "I accept things as they are. I open myself up to life."
Wonderful! I should cause myself as little suffering as possible, i.e. not feel any negative emotions. The good thing is: I don't crave my "states". This 'attachment' is not there, at least not at the moment.
This morning I was reading James Clear's book "1% Method" and realised that I've taken a bit of a step backwards in the last three or four days. I haven't been getting up at 5am to meditate. I can afford to sleep in longer today though because I have Thursdays off. But I must never go back!
My life is so full again at the moment. Peter has spontaneously decided to go skiing in Italy with his friends next week and he has suggested that I come along. That's very tempting, of course. But I won't be able to tear myself away from my tasks. Next week I have an important appointment every day from Monday to Sunday; in addition to work, the household and the children. How am I supposed to develop mentally under these conditions? Reading ten pages a day is utopia... I'm already thinking about taking a day off at least every two months and hiding away. The problem isn't even work, it's my family. I need to think about how I can solve this problem. But here we go, it's Thursday again - a terrible day when I do housework to the point of exhaustion…
22:00
This afternoon I dropped Grandma Lisa off at my mum's under the pretext of having to do a video consultation and locked myself in my bedroom. I actually managed to read even more than ten pages of the book "1% Method";  light reading. Then I slept for about 30-40 minutes. It felt really good to be alone for a few hours.
I have been suffering from a constant lack of sleep recently. While I was sleeping, I felt a beautiful euphoric movement in my chest again. Unfortunately, it is impossible to describe it in words. Perhaps these sensations came about because I spent the whole day accepting life as it is. Even when I bumped my head on the kitchen cupboard, I immediately thought: "Then that's the way it is!" My goodness, I did really well with this exercise today, I'm downright proud of myself. But I have to say: when I'm at home, it's easier for me to keep my inner focus. Working at the practice forces me to focus outwards.
I wrote a reminder note for myself:

1. 1.I take things as they are. I want to cause myself as little suffering as possible.
2. 2.I am in the process and must respect it.
3. 3.never go back!

I stuck this note to the front of my diary. Otherwise I quickly forget my resolutions.
I don't know why the first point seems so important to me at the moment. Not wanting anything other than things as they are. Maybe it has something to do with the fourth shackle? Resistance to life only brings suffering!!! For some reason, I have a deep trust in myself. So far, my intuition has never let me down.
I spoke to Susanne on the phone today and we agreed not to buy any more alcohol. I will give away all the closed bottles we still have in the house and pour the open ones down the drain. Maitreyabandhu writes that alcohol disturbs integrity... He might be right.
And one more thing: It seems to me that the results of meditation add up. When I feel this brief feeling of exhilaration and rapture during meditation for several days in a row, which I have previously described as "Beautiful!", deep truths emerge.
Saturday, 14.01.23 - The quiet room
Oh my God, a new, wonderful experience today! I meditated and thought that everything around me was burning and that there was nothing inside me, I clearly felt the emptiness inside me. Then I thought: Why do I imagine this emptiness inside me as a hole? If there is a hole inside me, then logically there should be an outer boundary! But there can't be a boundary because it would also "burn"!  With this thought, I "softened" my outer boundary, it disappeared and I felt at one with the outside! Really felt, not thought! It was incredible!
I experienced a wonderful silence and emptiness. Nothing was moving here. No processes of any kind. My thoughts ran slowly, I could feel my body when I wanted to and I knew that I existed. My whole being was imbued with absolute peace. COMPLETE SILENCE. It was simply indescribably beautiful. At some point I thought: I should stop meditating because Alicia, Kevin's girlfriend, wants to wallpaper the attic today. At that moment, something unpleasant moved inside me and I realised that I had just experienced a complete release of negative feelings.
I called this new wonderful experience my "quiet room" because I didn't feel any unpleasant emotions there, it was very calm and quiet. I now know that this space exists. Maybe I can hide in it sometimes when my emotions get too much for me here…
A comment later on: I wonder how blind one can be, but I have an excuse, because the "veils" prevent the average person from seeing actual reality. I have experienced the same phenomenon many times and could not put two and two together. In my "quiet room" again; the same emptiness or "nothingness", only now I felt its emotional aspect in a low vibrational range. In addition to the all-consuming feeling of peace, a person can also perceive higher vibrations of this space, such as boundless love, unlimited happiness and all-pervading joy.
Later that evening…
I realised once again today that my feelings are tormenting me. This constant rocking back and forth! This incessant inner movement! This suffering... I'm completely exhausted from the constant wanting and not wanting. Perhaps the fourth shackle is not about desires at all, but only about feelings? Maybe it's not always necessary to take a step forwards? I have the feeling that I'm not making any progress at the moment in releasing the fourth shackle and that's why I'm suffering. I don't want to and can't go backwards. But maybe it is possible to take a step to the side? That thought is very comforting!
Overall, I would say that I experienced a state of complete inner peace today. The effect lasted the whole day, subtle and barely noticeable because I was very busy the whole time. It was only when I finally got into bed that I was able to perceive the state of peace very clearly again. During the day, however, this feeling was more of a hindrance than a help, and I couldn't collect myself at all. It's very difficult to function in everyday life if you don't feel your outer boundaries. Somehow thought, we still managed to wallpaper the room, but in a normal state it would probably only have taken me half as long.
I don't think I understand Buddha's teachings at the moment. It's all so fragmented, there's no overall picture. I haven't really read anything yet either. Every time I meet Anissita, he says to me: "You really read a lot." But so far I've only managed to finish one book - the "Mindfulness Course" by Maitreyabandhu and three-quarters of "Dancing with Life" by Philipp Moffitt. Otherwise, I jump from one book to another, constantly tempted to buy another in the hope of finding something about the awakening process.
Sunday, 15.01.23 - Ancestral healing
I gradually began to wonder whether I was suffering from an obsession. I constantly think only of awakening, in every everyday detail. I interpret everything in the Buddhist sense. In every conversation, in every action... And although I keep my thoughts to myself in order to appear as normal as possible to the outside world, I see impermanence in every gust of wind. I hear karma in my mother's every complaint. When my youngest son doesn't want to go to school, I wish him to accept life as it is. And when my doctor's receptionist complains that it's Monday again today - I'm glad that I only live in the now. At the moment, my world only consists of Buddhist interpretations.
Today I met for the video call, as always on Sundays, in my BLE mastermind nutrition group with Christel and Susanne. Christel asked out of the blue if we had both ever heard of ancestral healing. Although I had never heard the term before, I immediately knew what she meant.
Last year I went to a therapist with my youngest son, but Vincent was stubborn and didn't want to talk to us. So the therapist took out little Lego figures, put them on the table and asked me about my ancestors. I was able to tell her about five generations, starting with my great-grandmother Maria and ending with my children.
We talked about my family for an hour and a half, which was very difficult for me emotionally. I was probably crying all the tears for the coming year in advance. The therapist pulled all the 'old skeletons' of our family out of the closet. She explained to me why I am the way I am and where the difficulties in our family come from. The conversation got under my skin, but it was very productive.
In principle, I had already analysed this problem beforehand and held no grudges against my mother. She was just as much a victim of circumstances as my grandmother and great-grandmother. I knew that the problem stemmed from previous generations. But today, visualisation with the help of Lego figures and the threads between them, combined with certain techniques of letting go, has brought great success. Understanding on the third level... In the course of the conversation, I was able to let go of this problem completely. Today I ask myself - perhaps working through family problems and absolution for the older generations is also a prerequisite for awakening?
When Christel broached this subject today, I suddenly felt an emptiness inside me and I realised that this problem no longer existed. All the deep-rooted resentment, the mutual hatred, the emotional humiliation and the physical violence that existed in our family were suddenly so unimportant. I know they were there, but I no longer felt any emotions, as if they had been blown away. Christel replied: "In family constellation work there is the view that when a problem from the parents' or grandparents' generation is solved, it is erased in the whole lineage, also for the future generations".
I simply had no words. I was overwhelmed - in a positive sense! It would be wonderful if this were really true! Because I often reproached myself for passing on this difficult legacy to my children. I was worried about my future descendants. I am infinitely grateful to Christel for this information. I am simply fascinated by this woman, her expertise and warmth. I even asked her later if she would like to be my teacher, to which she just sent me a little angel smiley. But I really, really need a teacher. I can't seem to find one in my town...
Wednesday, 18.01.23 - No Dharma course after all.
My crystal-clear inner self has been so happy and loose the last few days. My mood is lifted. I can't remember when I've been in such a mood in recent years! It's not ecstasy like in autumn, but normal human happiness.
But I'm very frustrated that I'm not being accepted into any of the centre's study groups. I have to get the information somehow. So far it's all been flying blind, just by intuition. I feel an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. This week I wrote a desperate email to the centre saying I would join any current group, I could catch up on everything, and I still got a rejection. I was so fixated on the reply that I vowed to take every decision in my stride. That's why I was able to cope with the rejection and even managed to respond politely. But I don't think anyone in our Taste of Freedom class was as eager to join the study group as I was. No one needs this information that badly. And no one has progressed that far in that time.
I therefore asked Ratna if I could take up the Mitra position. Quote: The Sanskrit word mitra means friend or girlfriend. The term mitra expresses that he/she considers him/herself a Buddhist and feels a friendly connection with the Triratna community. In a small ceremony and in the presence of a few people from the community, he/she makes the three traditional Buddhist offerings - a flower, a candle and a stick of incense. Later, he/she recites the formula of "Refuges and Resolutions" with the others.
Source: http://www.triratna-buddhismus.de/triratna/gemeinschaft/erste-schritte/
Unfortunately, my application was rejected by the Ratna on the grounds that the prerequisite for this was the completion of a one-year Dharma course. (Dharma is the name of the Buddhist teaching). Kristel says that there is no such strict rule in her city... Really sad. Next year's course probably won't start until September. 😳😕😬
I can't understand the reasons for this rejection, but ultimately I hold no grudge against the people at the centre. The "storm" I experienced on 24.11.22 showed me that I am completely alone in the universe. I can manage without the centre. I will find my way and the information I need. Alone!
I have really changed. The "state" is now present every day, it is barely noticeable and flares up when I talk about Buddhism. It no longer interferes with my work. I know why the changes are no longer so strong. I am now close to the sea. The river has become wide and calm. But it still carries me forward, even if I am less aware of it than at the beginning. It is important to maintain self-confidence and trust in the process.
I can imagine that every person is a different river. The source and the course are different, the obstacles are sometimes more, sometimes less. Some rivers are probably lost forever in the desert... I can imagine that my river broke a huge dam on
[ANNOTATION:
BY 'Unknown Author'
ON '2025-09-21T22:48:05.403199703'
NOTE: 'Check date and add link']28.07.22 and plunged into the valley from a great height. Hence the great force, the huge energy and the enormous speed. Other rivers may take their origin as a small spring in the forest and meander leisurely and without haste, almost without a destination, like Anissita.  He said there is no destination for him. It is all just a process.
Michael also repeated this sentence today at the meal in the restaurant. This will probably be true for many people at the centre. But I feel differently. I have no time to lose. My river flows directly and purposefully towards the sea. After the experience of softening my outer boundaries on 14.01.23, I really have the feeling that I don't exist as "me". Wonderful!!! Being able to experience this every day, every hour and every second makes me infinitely happy. I realise that my feelings are very unstable. Sometimes happiness, sometimes despair...
There are such subtle changes going on at the moment that I might not even have noticed them if I wasn't reflecting with my diary. Incidentally, I have stopped working on the fourth shackle for the time being. I had the unpleasant feeling that I was trying to force something that wasn't possible yet. Maybe there's still something between the first and fourth shackles that I need to find out? Who can I talk to about this?
Tonight I had dinner with the Buddhists from the "Taste of Freedom" course. Seven people with me, small group, Indian restaurant, very nice. The conversations, on the other hand, were simply cool. As you know, Buddhists don't talk about the weather or politics. Their conversations tend to revolve around the innermost things. One person talked about her problems and cried. I hope the evening brought her some relief. I think Iris is a great therapist, she practically had a therapy session with this person all evening. I feel such a strong connection with these people that I have never felt with strangers. We think alike and use the same terminology. This evening was a real inspiration for me!
By the way, two young women in the restaurant told me today that they were accepted into the current annual Dharma study group last week. So there were still places available after all! I was so gobsmacked that I was speechless. I sat there and didn't know what to say.... I tried to console myself with the thought: "What are they going to learn! I can learn everything I need to know without them." And still the tears came... But suddenly I thought: What am I trying to comfort? There's nothing inside me! This thought hit me like a thunderbolt. That would be the practical application of the first shackle! There are no worries and fears inside me! It was such a wonderful thought that I completely forgot about the Dharma course and was able to regain my composure. Now I should go to bed.
00:30
Oh, I have no idea how to sleep. I am so happy! It's so wonderful not to feel any external boundaries! I could lie here all night and enjoy myself…
I keep thinking how much I adore Buddha.  How intelligent and powerful his consciousness must have been! Like an icebreaker, he paved the way for countless people and all I have to do is follow his path. But I don't think it's necessary to study all the Buddhist texts and have all the information in order to awaken. You don't need to know the complex terminology either, although that can be helpful. It's all about inner change.
01:40
No, I can't sleep tonight. I was just lying happily in bed and all sorts of thoughts were running through my head. I thought: "According to Buddhist teachings, all worries and fears disappear as soon as you have freed yourself from the first shackle. It would be great if other negative emotions disappeared along with the worries. I imagined it like this: There is an emptiness inside me. All negative feelings - anxiety, depression, irritability, etc.. - fall away from me like dry skins from an onion. And suddenly I saw something completely different inside me. Something very, very, very pure, something absolutely crystal clear, shining and shimmering, indescribable, completely priceless. It is unbelievable! There is no emptiness in me! It was a mistake! I can literally feel how quickly my convictions are changing, like water in a stream. But that's okay, because I know that nothing is permanent.
I lay there, overjoyed to have discovered this treasure within myself, staring into the darkness and remembering my vision during meditation a few days ago, in which I had seen a vessel of crystal clear water. It must have been a figurative representation of my spirit. God, ALL people must have this treasure hidden within them! Because we are ALL MADE OF THE SAME MATERIAL! Oh dear, what a night... My whole body is tingling with happiness... Where is Buddha? I'd kiss his feet in a minute!
Thursday, 19.01.23 - All things arise in the mind
07:20
The night was very restless. I didn't fall asleep until 3am. In my dream I was searching for some kind of solution in a winding underground labyrinth... At some point, at dawn, I realised that the shackles were not individual shackles. It must be a chain. If you find one end (in my case "Everything is burning") and pull on it, you unwrap yourself! 😆 It's a funny idea.
Basically, nothing has changed. I'm still the same person. Only my ideas about myself have changed. God oh God. Now I finally understand the sentence: all things originate in the mind!
Excerpt from the Buddha's teaching:
All things arise in the mind,
They are the creation of our mighty mind.
Speak with an impure mind,
Act with an impure mind,
And suffering will follow you,
As the wheel follows the foot
that pulls the cart.
All things arise in the mind
They are the creation of our mighty mind.
Speak with a pure mind,
Act with a pure mind,
And happiness will follow you,
As the shadow follows the body
and will not depart.
Source: Dhammapada - The Wisdom Teachings of the Buddha - Centre for Zen Buddhism
https://www.zzbzurich.ch/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Dhammapada-Die-Weisheitslehren-des-Buddh-Schiekel-Munish-B.pdf
Since tonight I have had wonderful sensations not only in my chest but also in my stomach. Difficult to formulate. Never felt it before. Feels like a lightness, sweet like syrup, but not sticky, extremely, extremely pleasant. Ecstatic... I could just sit there, savour these sensations and melt with happiness…
I still woke up with a grudge against the centre. Strange. Am I still able to feel resentment or is it just my imagination? I suspect it was just misunderstandings, which is why I wasn't admitted to the course. I'm sure nobody there has anything against me.
I'm probably back in the "state" now, because I have endless energy despite only four hours of sleep.
I would love to know what I discovered tonight. I looked in "Travel and Travel Guides" by Maitreyabandhu, Chapter 7: "Spiritual Rebirth". But it means something completely different. The problem is that I don't know the terminology. I have no idea if there is a term for it. Try to read a little today.
Yesterday, when I came home from work, I wanted to read "Journey" and hid behind the sofa in the living room. I had to get up at least ten times within forty minutes... I was also found hiding. First Vincent came, then Kevin, then the oven beeped, then the dog came and wanted to be fed. Then my mum came, then the oven beeped again, then the dog wanted to be fed.  Then Vincent, the dog again, and the oven again. Then I felt like having a cup of tea. I still didn't want to give up. I managed one or two pages in chunks. And it was the first time in the last five days that I'd been able to read. What a shame.
Friday, 20.01.23 - I no longer suffer with you!
I am tormented by my feelings…
At the moment, I'm doing a marvellous job of not getting upset about the little things. But the fact that I'm not allowed to study Dharma is really bothering me. Today I asked to be put in touch with the organiser. It can't be that I can't get any help in the largest and oldest centre in Germany. This morning after meditation I experienced a strong emotional outburst. I cried... It doesn't look so bad when I read my lines. I felt the end of the world. Complete helplessness and hopelessness. All feelings oversized.
Here we go again: I can't take a break from meditation for longer than 24 hours!!! With a pinch, 32 hours, but definitely not 48 hours!!! It makes me feel like shit. I'm half dying. My chest is being torn apart. Had the same experience again today. This is self-inflicted suffering! I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep during meditation and so stupid that I didn't meditate again in the evening!!! How can I burn this into my brain?
One more thing. I am currently less able to comfort my patients when they are in emotional pain. I used to be able to empathise with the situation very well. Now I sit there and feel the suffering of these people, but I no longer sympathise. The patients tell me their stories and I see everything through the lens of Buddhism. I think to myself: yes, this is a change in your life that is hurting you. Did you think that this thing would always stay the same? Or: Yes, the attachment was forcibly separated. Hence the pain. That's the problem with attachments. It's best not to let them arise at all. And so on. And I don't know what to say... I understand the reason for the suffering, but I can't comfort people with Buddhist terminology. What am I supposed to do? I would like to help, but I can't think of any suitable words at the moment. And anyway, right now, I feel that many of my patients' problems are petty. It's not even worth talking about them.
Saturday, 21.01.23 - Hope dies last
I have understood it. In the "base "state", the focus is shifted inwards: I am very present, focussed and mindful in the present moment. However, this causes some difficulties in thinking and sometimes problems with the here and now. The "base "state" is currently present every day, barely noticeable and causes a heightened mood. When talking about Buddhism or similar topics, a higher wave can come, flooding me with happiness, which feels like drunkenness. This can lead to new realisations when I have the opportunity to be alone.
I woke up this morning in a very nice blissful "state" again. What a storm of negative feelings has swept over me since Wednesday! I don't even want to mention it here, too much negativity. I'm surprised at myself that I can think so badly of people. The storm was probably barely noticeable for my family and work colleagues, but it really tormented me. I had very negative thoughts and emotions about the centre.
Yesterday I wrote an email to Sunyatacharu. She is an ordained person who coordinates the courses. In my opinion, my email, the way I worded it, makes a rejection impossible. Let's see. A Zoom meeting has been arranged for tonight.
Sunday, 22.01.23 - Final rejection
Oh, man... Yesterday was another bad day. Sunyatacharu turned down my request. I cried during the video call and cried after the call. It really knocked me out... I really didn't expect a rejection. It's a good thing we have an overnight visitor at the moment. I'm so busy cleaning and cooking that I don't have time to think. And - still I cried while I was cooking. Vincent hugged me and comforted me in silence. He is my darling. Of course, I don't tell him what's bothering me.
In bed at night, I tried to reflect. Why does this hurt me so much? What do I want from this course? Surely it will be some boring stuff that has nothing to do with my situation. On reflection, I realised that in these turbulent times with incredibly high peaks and dauntingly deep lows, I am looking for emotional support and information. I don't want to be left alone and I want an explanation for the things that are happening to me. I so much wanted a teacher to show me the way. I told Sunyatacharu in no uncertain terms: I need help. Now I'm ashamed of it. It sounds like I want to be admitted to a psychiatric ward.
In autumn, I experienced things that I had at least heard something about and that I was able to classify well, such as the insight into karma. Now I'm experiencing things that I can no longer put my finger on. What about this 'quiet space'? What is it supposed to be good for? I enter the room more often at the moment because I know it's there. It brings relief not to feel negative emotions for a while. Is that all he has to ask or is he part of the journey? It's all so fragmented. I don't have an overall picture.
Apparently I am supposed to let go of the idea that I will get help at the centre. Sunyatacharu said that I should take part in the upcoming eight-week course "Brahma Viharas" ("The Four Celestial Abodes") and address my experiences there. How does she imagine that? That I would open up to ten or fifteen strangers and talk about my innermost experiences? She herself is already the third ordained person at the centre to see me cry. I don't want that to happen again. She also started talking about the repressed old experiences that might now come up. If I needed psychoanalysis about my childhood experiences, I could go to a psychotherapist.
Today I looked up an emergency number that Christel gave me and wrote to the woman. Her name is Susanne Ahnert-Braun, she works at a Benediktushof and offers support with the problems associated with meditation... Let's see what happens.
I also understood last night that I was developing a strong attachment to the centre. Man this is stupid! I released the attachment to my little son in order to acquire a new one to the centre…
This morning in meditation I tried to tackle this new problem. It was not easy. I don't know if I was able to solve it completely. But I felt a wonderful sense of relief. I'm going to set it as my number one task soon. Check and release all attachments. I have suffered enough!
Oh, I have an idea. Philip Moffitt had described in "Dancing with Life" how to release the attachments. Have a look now.
A little later...
Oh God. He really is a wise man. His book is brilliant. I started "The Fourth Noble Truth" today. I feel that for my journey to continue, I need to drop all ingrained assumptions about myself, including notions of my progress.
Yesterday, before going to sleep, I thought about the fourth shackle again. I thought about it for a very long time, even while I was sleeping. And I think I found an important thought, at least I remember a great wave of joy in me that usually comes when I'm on the right track. However, I was so tired that I didn't write anything down.
My train of thought was as follows: If the shackles are only one chain, the first shackle should be the key to the fourth. Just as "Everything burns" was the key to the first shackle. After that, I remember a very strange thought: My desire is so unstable that it's not worth wanting anything. And then: Wanting something leads to suffering! And then there was a big wave of joy. But I can only remember everything in fragments at the moment. I'll probably have to switch on the light at night and write everything down...
The happiness has been gone since Wednesday. Too many negative emotions. This thing with the centre is going to mess up my progress. I need to separate myself from the unhealthy emotions. Why have they been so strong recently? I find them totally disturbing. Agonising. Painful. These feelings are my only problem at the moment.
I'm so tired. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next week.
I'd better go to bed now and leave everything behind.
Monday, 23.01.23 - Why am I reacting?
I managed to read maybe two or three pages during the whole week…
My emotions are tormenting me a lot at the moment. I have the feeling that if I don't solve this problem, I won't get anywhere. Today I sat in the "quiet room" during meditation, enjoying the peace and thinking. Why am I reacting? I saw in my vision that my consciousness is very clear. Can consciousness even react?
I tried to imagine it visually. Red colour: love and pleasant emotions, black colour: resentment, all negative feelings. But I didn't have the feeling that this idea would take me any further. I probably need to drop all the concepts in order to see more clearly.
Getting up at five in the morning is very difficult at the moment. I'm completely exhausted. I just long to sleep in and get some rest. Decided to take Wednesday off.
Tuesday, 24.01.23 - The crisis
Oh, man... I had a real crisis today. Had to call in the crisis management team. I asked Christel for a video call and she was immediately willing to help me. I told her in tears about my problem with the centre and about the feeling of not being able to move forward until I had processed these emotions.
Under Christel's guidance, I applied tapping acupressure to myself. What a great thing! Never tried it before! It is a very simple method to combat negative emotions and helps immediately. I feel a tremendous sense of relief. Christel explained to me how I can continue to use the technique myself. She recommended the book "Klopfakupressur" [Tapping Acupressure – English] by C. Preuß.
Wednesday, 25.01.23 - I'm looking for more support
Today I had a video call with Susanne Ahnert-Braun from Benediktushof in Holzkirchen. It's a relief to know that I'm not alone with such problems and that someone is experiencing similar things. Susanne explained her view of some things to me. I probably need to ground myself well.
Here is the link to the Benediktushof:
https://www.benediktushof-holzkirchen.de/
Thursday, 26.01.23 - Making peace with myself
I have the feeling that I've become completely emotionally unstable. I sway at the slightest breeze. I long for stability.
This morning I had to interrupt the meditation and tap again according to the method C. Preuß, because a wave of resentment flooded me. Afterwards I had the feeling that I had completely dissolved the resentment against the centre.
Sunyatacharu offered me another video call and I took advantage of this opportunity today. It was important for me to make a better impression of myself. I know from experience that a wrong first impression can ruin a future relationship. I may have to deal with these people for a very long time. I was composed and told them something about myself and my experiences. Afterwards, I had a good feeling. I can end this conflict peacefully after all. I'm still good for something. From the conversation with Sunyatacharu, I understood that there are currently no awakened people at the centre.
Monday, 30.01.23 - In shallow waters
I haven't had any special experiences for a while. Is it all over? I can feel the "grounded state" and it comes up when I talk about it. But it disappears relatively quickly. There have only been a few thoughts in the last few days. I just lived a relatively normal life. Was very exhausted. Made an effort to regenerate over the weekend. I'm starting to feel like I want to move on. I think I've left the central fast current and am just off the shallow water. Trying to get my raft moving again by paddling.
My dreams have changed. Sometimes I collect some worms from the earth, wow... Tonight I climbed down a mountain, then down the stairs, all downwards.  I went into a dark tunnel and decided to stay here to clean up a bit.... No comparison to the dreams of a few months ago.
Yesterday I read Sharon Salzberg's book "Metta Meditation" about BEING SO. It is marvellous. Simply accepting life as it is. A great book! I decided to take more days off and use them for my studies. I won't become impoverished. Just cut back on spending, then I won't have to work so much.
Tuesday, 31.01.23 - Mindfulness is the be-all and end-all
Today I found a remarkable meditation "No reaction" on the 7Mind app. It was a wonderful experience! Just being aware and not reacting to what you perceive. At some point, the thought occurred to me: I can also perceive my emotions without reacting! And - for the first time, I didn't experience my emotions as a part of me. They were standing next to me, very close, but there was a clear gap between me and them. Interesting! I'd like to practise that.
Yesterday during the yoga class I was so mindful of my body, I was so relaxed that I felt like I was floating in the final relaxation. I thanked Silvia, our instructor, in detail. The woman is great! She does her job with sincere dedication.
I believe that mindfulness focussed on the body is the be-all and end-all. But mindfulness can also be focussed on your feelings. From now on, I want to practise as much mindfulness as possible in everyday life.
Wednesday, 01.02.23 - A view from the outside
Well, there's not much I can do with mindfulness in my working life. I'm forced to focus outwards. Endless listening and counselling... I only feel the “state” when I come to rest... Does it now mean that my "states" have stopped? I have the feeling that a mighty wave has crashed over a cliff. The cliff in my case is the intransigence and rejection from the Buddhist centre. I put too much emotion into it.
Or is there no connection here? Maybe it's just a temporal overlap? In any case, I feel almost "normal". I can finally see the events from the outside and assess what they were.
In general, I see that I was allowed to experience the different facets of the Awakened Being:
1. Everything burning
2. Indescribable authentic happiness
3. Infinite energy
4. Wanting nothing, perfect inner peace
5. Letting the world revolve around you
6. Experiencing the here and now
7. Connectedness with all living beings
8. Karma
9. Infinite love
10. Inability to have negative feelings
11. Perfect mindfulness
12. Compassion, need to want to help. But no pity!
13. Understanding of clear consciousness
I am so proud of myself and very happy that it happened to me. I think that even if no more views come in, it's excellent equipment to go on alone. And I know for a fact that I won't leave the path until my last breath. No matter what comes.
My notes have become so important to me. If it works out, I'd like to publish them at some point. Maybe they will help someone in some way.
Well, now to the everyday. I'm currently very preoccupied with this reaction of the mind. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fourth shackle. In any case, I've found my emotions very agonising over the last few days and weeks. I am very proud that I have been able to free myself from the negativity in relation to the centre under these circumstances. But it would be nicer to find a way NOT to react, or at least to react less. Today I meditated again with the 7Mind app "Not reacting" and found it even more beautiful than yesterday.
I have the following thoughts on this: A thought arises => this leads to the next thought => at some point a thought arises that triggers an impulse. This is followed by the reaction of the mind. But I don't want a reaction. Ideally, I don't want an impulse at all. I want peace!!!
I now remember how we visited an old madrassa (Moroccan school) in Morocco. That day I had quite a strong "state". We had to wait for a while in the courtyard of the madrassa for a couple who got lost. We stood there for about 20 minutes and a complete calm and contentment flooded over me. It didn't bother me that we had to wait standing up and that it was cold. The circumstances didn't matter at all. I was happy and calm. No impulses. No desires. I watched the crowd; breathed and existed completely happy in the present moment.
It's so hard to reproduce... I would love to experience a "state" like that again. I'm so tired of the endless reacting. This painful swaying back and forth! Constant stimuli! Constant reactions! It can't go on like this. It has become pure torture. I will continue to work on it. I believe the key lies in deep mindfulness, focussing on feelings and reactions. Maybe you can catch the moment when the impulse leads to a reaction and try not to react. The Buddha spoke of a gap. You just have to keep practising this... I have the next four days off. I'll give it a try.
Thursday, 02.02.23 - The gap actually exists
I prepared myself inwardly that there would be some kind of argument with Mum when we cooked together again today. I wanted to feel the impulse and the gap. (This refers to a time gap between the impulse and the reaction, which you can intervene in if you are mindful enough). It would be easier for me to feel the gap with negative emotions.
But it was very loving with both of us. Even when Kevin came home tired and grumpy in the evening and reproached me, I was able to react gently. I sent him a WhatsApp message afterwards to tell him how much I loved him. The bottom line: I can only give love when my inner reservoir is filled with love. And even react lovingly in dicey situations. Next conclusion: My most urgent and direct point of application for inner growth is my family. Children suffer from a lack of attention from my side. I urgently need to work on this.
Later that evening...
I was mindful practically every minute today. Felt my soles as I walked.  🤩🤩 So, physical mindfulness works well when I'm free. Unfortunately, that's not possible at work.
I also spent the whole day trying to practise mental awareness in order to feel the impulses. Very difficult. I did my household chores and I thought I could do them without impulses. Just one thing after another, without thinking too much. Routine. In the afternoon, however, I wanted to eat something outside of my meal plan and felt three impulses within a minute. I was still able to consciously intervene. Put back grapes that had already been washed! 🤩
So, there really is this gap. It will probably be more difficult with feelings. It's a very big and complicated topic. I would love to have a teacher... I'll keep practising these days. I've been at this point before with mindfulness and eating. Everything develops in a spiral. You get to the same point again, but at a higher level. I want to learn to control my mind. Especially my emotions.
Friday, 03.02.23 - The love of oneself
All my thoughts revolve around Buddhism and my awakening. Go to bed with them and wake up with them. It's my first thought of the day.
Maitreyabandhu writes about a life mandala with the central core in the "Travel and Travel Guide". By this he means the most important theme in our lives, around which everything revolves. For many people, for example, it is their family or their work. In my life, everything has been centred around Buddhism for the past six months. My awakening is the central ray. It's incredible how much I've been restructured internally in just a few months.
Today I read another poem from his book that gave me goose bumps. I would like to quote it here (translation from English, page 32).
The Niagara River by Kay Ryan:
As though
the river were
a floor, we position
our table and chairs
upon it, eat, and
have conversation.
As it moves along,
we notice—as
calmly as though
dining room paintings
were being replaced—
the changing scenes
along the shore. We
do know, we do
know this is the
Niagara River, but
it is hard to remember
what that means.
My goodness, some people are gifted... The author has succeeded in reflecting the essence of existence here in just a few lines, as well as our refusal to perceive this essence...
So here's the thing. I can now also meditate in the evening. Sleeping is  better at the moment. The "basic "state" becomes much stronger after two meditations.
I am continuing to read the book "Metta Meditation" by Sharon Salzberg. It's a great book! I recently realised that I now have a much higher opinion of myself than I used to. I make all conscious decisions in signs of love. I take care of other beings every day, at work and at home. This year I planted a bee-friendly meadow instead of a lawn in our garden. I permanently support nine different donation projects. With the Buddhist centre it will be ten. I’m trying to reuse things and  recently found an opportunity to donate our old ultrasound machine to a hospital in Tanzania. I look after my grandmother once a week. Treat all living beings with respect and don't want to hurt anyone. Until recently, my self and my own needs were overshadowed by my love for others. I love and respect myself all the more for that now. It is so wonderful that I have finally understood this. Living for yourself is so simple and so wonderful! It's really just a decision you have to make. Why couldn't I do it before?
I have rarely meditated Metta in the last few months. Somehow completely forgotten. I was so intent on gaining new insights in meditation. Now I realise that I was standing on one leg and maybe that's why I got so shaky with my emotions. But after realising how much I love myself, I spent a whole meditation on Wednesday evening feeling love for myself. So much tenderness... I don't understand why loving yourself is not valued or is even frowned upon in our society. I am just as valuable and lovable as all other living beings. My opinion is: Only a person who loves themselves enough and takes good care of themselves can give love and care for others.
Incidentally, I later read in a book by Tara Springett that in Metta meditation you should first feel love for your loved one and then, without changing this feeling, direct it towards yourself. I think it's an ingenious solution for those who have difficulty feeling love for themselves.
I realised that I have two different patterns of behaviour: a very different one with colleagues and friends than within the family. It may be a normal thing, but I don't like it. I want to be equally friendly to everyone.
Then something else. Sensual pleasures have really become alien to me. Firstly, they are all so similar. Secondly, they rob me of time. Time is all I have. This feeling has haunted me since I was a child. And I don't know how much time I have left. I want to make the best use of it. When I buy something, not only do I waste time choosing the goods, but I also have to spend time raising the money. You also take the time to look after the product and possibly dispose of it. Isn't it easier to live in a cave? Then you would have to work much less and you would have endless time. But for some reason, minimalism doesn't work out. Unfortunately. Unfortunately…
Yesterday I went to the shopping centre for the first time in a very long time and bought myself a necklace, as I used to do. For what? What's the point? The money is wasted. I must be stupid. And - the impulse to continue wasting time is still there! Switched on the TV at breakfast today, just like in the old days. But switched it off again after 20 seconds. I can't enjoy my food at all! I can hardly taste the flavour and consistency, I can't estimate the quantities. No visual appeal. Only very limited enjoyment... What do I expect from the television? Only negative emotions. Reports about this crazy and violent world that is falling apart for lack of love. Plus adverts. I AM stupid.
I can see that I have done some inner work after all. I hope it will take me further. I just need time.
One more thought: strangely enough, even in the centre people are not all advanced. I overheard a conversation. One woman was very didactic and seemed condescending. After all, she had been practising for over 30 years and was at a loss as to how she was supposed to convey anything. I didn't detect any love in her words. In my eyes, she hurt someone with this statement. Apparently, progress does not depend on the length of time spent practising.
I wonder whether I might be able to identify among my patients, someone who is also on this path? So far, my cautious questions have yielded nothing. Most people simply don't want to know. I recently asked a patient whether he was searching for the meaning of life. He replied: No - because there is none. My opinion on this: The meaning of life is in personal evolution and liberation. I don't just want to spend this existence in a pleasant way. I need a purpose.
Saturday, 04.02.23 - My insides are reaction-free!
We are on a weekend trip to Rees: A beautiful little old town. Lovely hotel with a view of the Rhine. Didn't know if meditating in a room with my husband and dog would work. Locked myself in the toilet after breakfast, put on my headphones and meditated "Don't react" with 7Mind. The thought process was as follows: I know from medicine that living matter has one common characteristic; it reacts to stimuli. I then tried to explore this crystal-clear substance that is inside me. Is it reactive?
When I asked myself this question, such a strong wave came from within, such a feeling of warmth, such happiness, and such a feeling of liberation that I had to cry... The feeling of freedom was much stronger than when the first shackle was released. I realised that this crystal clear interior was COMPLETELY FREE of reaction.
I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I thought at that moment: I have released the fourth shackle! I don't have to be reborn! When the meditation came to an end and I had calmed down a bit, I crawled out of the toilet on my soft knees and was completely exhausted. I had to lie down for a while.
We were actually planning a bike ride today and I was embarrassed that I couldn't go anywhere at that moment. I was lying on the bed, wallowing in happiness and trying to realise, what I had just experienced? Was that the fourth shackle? The answer was no. It must be something else.
I had a look at Christiane Michelberger's website. The fourth shackle is definitely described differently there. I visit this page several times a day at the moment and still can't figure it out. Is it possible that everyone experiences it differently? Is it possible that everyone should ask themselves the questions? It's complicated to find the right questions first and then the answers to them. Perhaps I should contact Christiane and ask her for her opinion. However, it says on the website that all groups are currently fully booked.
Then came the question: What do I do with this realisation? The answer was: I know that I don't HAVE to react. I have the choice to react or not. 🤩🤩🤩 That will definitely make my life a lot easier. You just have to practise it a little... (Comment: That was an erroneous thought)
My God, it's something completely different when you experience things and don't just come to a logical conclusion... Peter asked me at lunchtime what I had experienced that was so great and couldn't understand my enthusiasm at all. Understandable. Nobody who hasn't experienced it will be able to understand it either.
Today was another one of the happiest days of my life, from morning till night... I will never forget it. This day gave me more happiness than the entire trip to Morocco. I couldn't focus very well because we spent the whole day on the bike. But it was ten hours of uninterrupted happiness! I have never felt so WHOLE and at the same time somehow more transparent, as if I had become more pervious to worldly influences. Hard to explain. Like a fishing net that has been hung out to dry. And through which the wind blows. I had the feeling that I had loosened the chain that is wrapped around me quite a bit.
Sunday, 05.02.23 - What's reacting?
Today I meditated again without the app. I tried to reach that crystal-clear something inside me and fell into a wonderful state of calm. No reaction at all! Absolute peace! I sat in this peaceful state for about 10 minutes and only then realised that it was my quiet room! My quiet space IS my non-reactive self! With this thought, the quiet space expanded and filled my entire inner being.
Again, very difficult to reproduce.
Oh, man. I am so happy. Today the 'baseline' is higher than usual. It's so wonderful. I'm ready to love everyone. I don't understand why people don't see what's happening inside me?
I think often of Buddha. How did he fare? At what stage of inner development did he leave his family? How was he able to find his way? I walk the path that has already been described and still don't see it. Feeling everything out blindly, identifying, searching further. How wise and how powerful should Buddha's spirit have been to be the first to consciously walk the path and, above all, to describe it in such a way that others could use it? Unimaginable for me from all points of view.
Well, today I'm asking myself the same question again: if my inner self is fundamentally unresponsive, what the hell is reacting and why? I think that's a very important question. If I can find an answer to it, I will probably release the fourth shackle. Because wanting and rejecting are also just reactions. Just like feelings. Basically, the whole universe, including living matter, is just a reaction. If you know the answer, you no longer belong to this world.
In the evening I felt the need to meditate again, but it was far too late and so I just went to bed. I was tired but still very restless, tossed and turned and couldn't fall asleep. Sometimes I remembered one thing I wanted to write down, sometimes another... I switched on the light and made notes. At some point I realised: my mind is restless. Meditated Metta in bed. I was able to stop the carousel of thoughts and calm the mind. But the physical restlessness remained, such an unpleasant feeling in the lower legs that you really want to move your legs. I tried out my "Don't react". If an impulse comes => I CAN'T react. I don't move. If the next impulse comes => I CAN'T react. Stay calm and suppress the urge to move. Each time this exercise was accompanied by a wave of joy. Marvellous. At some point, the urge subsided. I then did Jacobson relaxation and was able to calm down completely
.
Before falling asleep, I had a wonderful thought: I can influence my mind through my body! It doesn't always work in one direction, but also the other way round! Eureka! I must be reinventing the wheel! 😜 I want to learn to control my mind. Oh, that's what mindfulness and yoga are for... I really must share this with my patients!
Monday, 06.02.23 - I want to go on
Going over and over the thing about the inability of the mind to react. Leafed through my diary yesterday and realised that I asked myself the same question on 23/01/23 without finding an answer. What made the difference? Was I overwhelmed with negative emotions back then? It seems that from now on I should look for all the answers in meditation. High "state waves" no longer exist. 😕 Meditating twice a day is helpful though. Try to stick with it.
Christel, Susanne and I have finished Maitreyabandhu's book "Mindfulness". Since mid-January, we have been reading his second book "Journey and the Guide" and discussing it in the weekly WhatsApp video conferences. Thanks to yesterday's session, my baseline is higher than usual today. I understand what Sangha (Buddhist community) is good for. I am filled to the brim with love. Not like in Morocco, in a normal human way. Tenderness. I want to help everyone. Can't imagine scolding anyone.
When will my process finally continue? The great happiness of Saturday is still palpable, but I'm already feeling that itching and scratching again: faster, further! What is reacting and why? Where can I find the answer? I'll have a look in the book about the enlightened! Do I really always have to reinvent the wheel?
Later that  evening...
My goodness. I had a look at Sally Bonger's book "Everyday Enlightenment". It's seven stories of awakening from people who didn't make a big fuss about it and carried on living their ordinary lives. My hair stood on end because the stories are really true (I CAN FEEL IT VERY WELL - EVERYTHING IS VIBRATING!) and apparently written by an awakened person. I was so gripped by the book that I had a high "state wave" while reading and even the back of my head tingled like it usually does during deep meditation.
Mum and I had to go to yoga and at first I thought - no, I can't get up until I've read the whole book. But I didn't want to spoil my mum's evening. On the way to yoga, I thought: this book is completely throwing me off my game. It upsets me and de-motivates me to such an extent that I would describe its effect as destructive rather than helpful. These people have found their own way and I should do the same. In the evening, I didn't dare to continue reading it.
Tuesday, 07.02.23 - Every man for himself
I spoke to Christel on the phone today and told her about the two recent events: The crystal clear interior and its non-responsiveness. I was very emotional again. I think I'm getting on poor Christel's nerves. I have to hold back a little. Which is very difficult at the moment. 😕 There's such a dissatisfaction in me, only two days after the last event. I want to move on! I can't bear this suffering any more!
In conversation, I grumbled about all the books. They're all just wishy-washy and I can't find any direct instructions on how to awaken.
This evening I finally dared to write to Christiane Michelberger asking for help. I tried to use her instructions for releasing the fourth shackle and realised that they didn't work for me. Apparently everyone has to find their own way. I found the instructions for releasing the first shackle interesting, but too complicated. (If you sign up for the newsletter, you can download the instructions for the first shackle as a PDF). I find my solution much simpler and more elegant. But apparently I had different requirements.
I now finally understand that I sought help at the centre for nothing. Even the instructions from Christiane Michelberger, who is apparently awakened, can't help me. And there are probably no awakened people at the centre. At least not a single name was mentioned to me despite my repeated enquiries... Sunyatacharu explicitly said that they are all working on the fourth shackle.
I have to go my own way. And - my notes will probably not be able to help anyone. It is always an individual liberation. Everyone for themselves. 😕
Please, dear readers, if my blog has helped anyone, please let me know! I would be very happy!!! There is a lot of work behind it and sometimes I wonder why I do it.
Thursday, 09.02.23 - The non-existent chain
This morning I sat down on my meditation stool in my bedroom and reflected. I have ALREADY experienced this wonderful calm, this happy, perfect, peaceful, indescribable state of inner peace. Where nothing moves. That was very brief in Morocco. But it remains unforgettable. So - I know what that feels like. When you want NOTHING. When you stay centered and don't have to waver. Not having to react. I find this wavering really painful at the moment. Very, VERY unpleasant. Agonising. Why am I swaying? Why can't I stay centered? Why can't I find peace?
I was sitting on my stool, the sun was shining through the window onto the wallpaper and I thought it was a beautiful moment. Even after six years, I still love this wallpaper. There are only a few things that I absolutely HAVE to have. But I wanted this house so desperately that it almost broke me. Peter can confirm that. I'm often drawn to the pretty things. I like visual stimuli. It means my judgements of 'beautiful' and 'ugly' lead to the fluctuations. My own judgements. Because other people find other things beautiful or ugly. It means my judgements lead to my reactions. Stupid. I am the cause of the fluctuations! But which me? Isn't there a fixed me?
Everywhere just me, me, me... There's something behind this word. Just like behind the word reaction. Hmmm. I'll have to think about that later.
In meditation, the following thoughts came to mind: The chain does not exist. It is an illusion. I am wrapped up in an illusion. Totally stupid. But you still feel trapped. Constricted. Not free. Admittedly, I never felt my chain was very tight. Although I followed the rules in life, I often felt it was ridiculous and unnecessary. Even now, I feel like I could easily break that chain. I just can't figure out how.
I can now see that some people are more tightly "wrapped" and others more loosely. How often do I hear my patients say: "I can't!" It is estimated that 95% of people cannot permanently normalise their food intake and exercise regularly. Quit smoking or alcohol. Cut down on media consumption... The reason is almost always - it's my quality of life. It's really funny. They can't imagine what they are missing out on.... They DON'T WANT to see the suffering associated with it. It is the expression of imprisonment. Most people can't do anything with themselves. Not physically and not mentally. They are trapped. And don't even realise it. The mind limits itself for some reason. Or without a reason?
Well, you have to understand that people who need help come to me. These are the people who can't solve their problems on their own. The group is not representative. Many capable people who can develop themselves stay healthy and stay away from the doctor's surgery.
Friday, 10.02.23 - The Brahma Vihara course
I attenden the Brahma Vihara course today, which was led by three instructors: Muditamani, Sadhanakala and Ravishiva. The course was marvellous. It is about the four celestial states of mind: Metta (love), Karuna (compassion), Mudita (compassionate joy) and Upekka (equanimity or serenity). Sadhanakala's body scan was beautiful! Muditamani led a short but great meditation. I like this man. He was at my first visit to the Buddhist centre on 28.07.22. At that time he initiated a Metta meditation and I thought to myself: This is what a Buddhist should look like! Very serene and happy. Unforgettable.
Today I chose Mrs Kosul, our former caretaker, as the ‘difficult person’ for the Metta meditation. This former neighbour had such an impact on me that I cringe just hearing a similar pronunciation. I have realised that I have to struggle to treat my patients with similar accents fairly and not form prejudices... She was a terrible person! I haven't lived in that house for five years and yet she still haunts me in spirit. She attacked anyone who walked closer than ten metres past her. In any case, I stumbled across her in my mind today. I wondered what she would look like inside, because I now know that aggression hurts you.
I saw her: wounded, bloody and scarred, a completely disfigured being. All by her own doing. I felt really sorry for her. I wished her a speedy recovery and felt at that moment: Oh - there is the positive energy that I had never hoped to feel in relation to this person in my life! It was wonderful. I think I was finally able to forgive Mrs Kosul today and let go.
I have to say, I don't have any difficult people in my life at the moment. I have the feeling that I have cleared up all the issues. My children and my mum, but also my colleagues, remain as they are, and yet I no longer feel any negative emotions. It's indescribably wonderful!
Somehow I'm a little afraid of what will happen when I release the fourth shackle. Will I become unresponsive? Will all my desires and aversions disappear? I would no longer be able to function in this world... Then I thought: bollocks. If I had known about the existence of the first shackle before I released it, I would have had the same concerns. But - you live as you did before, with the difference that you are freer and happier. 🤩🤩🤩
Sunday, 12.02.23 - The suffering is getting worse
No "state" at all since Friday... I'm having trouble getting into meditation... The matter of reacting is keeping me very busy. So far no answer from Christiane Michelberger. I wrote to Sunyatacharu today to ask if she could put me in touch with someone who is working on the fourth shackle.
This morning I meditated "Don't react" with 7Mind again and the following thought came to mind: My life was much more difficult before. I experienced really tough times that led me to burnout in 2017. I was completely flooded with stimuli, I was under constant time pressure and tension and suffered from chronic fatigue. It was all about pure survival. "Functioning" was the key word for those times. Back then, I learnt to react quickly. To do everything immediately. If I opened a letter and had to transfer money, I did it in the same minute. If something was missing, I ordered the item immediately from Amazon. Without thinking twice. For months and years, all I did was react. Maybe I need to learn to interrupt this reflex now. Will it be difficult? It's unthinkable, at least at work.
Another thought that seems important to me. I always thought that the mind controls the body with thoughts. For some people it works well, for others it works badly and there are people who have no control at all. This morning during meditation, however, it occurred to me that the body also controls the mind! The sensations definitely arise in the body. Is the mind trapped? Let's say I'm hungry, but the mind wants to rest. How long can I hold out? What kind of team is it - body and mind? Who is leading? And which part do I identify with? Why did I write: I am hungry? Am I the body? The thought is repugnant to me... And that brings us back to the question: What is reacting? If the mind is not capable of reacting... Is it all just the body? I'm going round in circles...
I had a very unpleasant exchange with Kevin this morning. It really got me down. Cried again. Locked myself in the bedroom and didn't want to see anyone. I'm so sensitive and vulnerable at the moment, any emotional gust of wind can blow me away. I'm so tired of constantly reacting. Constantly having to react. I feel like I'm suffering even more than before I came to the Buddhist centre in the summer. And it's not the outside world that's tormenting me, but my inner world. Do I have to react? That is the question! When I know that I am responsible for my own reactions and not the world around me... It’s a bit of a relief. At least I don't feel like a puppet... The environment causes the stimuli. But I can control my reactions to them myself. Can't I?
I just read what I wrote above and would have liked to have left out the word "control" altogether. I would like to have a "state" where there are no reactions at all. Complete calm. The original state. That which I have seen in my crystal-clear inner being.
I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom and the conversation from this morning is running through my head. One moment I felt the emotions rise up again and the tears come. Then the thought appeared: that's the stimulus! I tried to observe my thoughts and realised that the feelings had subsided and disappeared. The reaction didn't materialise... That was a little helpful after all. A small consolation. But a few minutes later the thoughts came back and caused the same situation. It would be great to be able to train it... But how am I supposed to do that in this chaos? Can I leave this place to live somewhere alone?
Monday, 13.02.23 – Without the "states everything is stupid…
No "state" at all today. I feel miserable. Still managed to force myself to go to work and even went to yoga with mum in the evening, although I'm only going for her sake at the moment. Said to myself: Yes, now I guess you have to learn to live without the "state". Like any normal person. It's still no reason to commit suicide...
Incidentally, I didn't feel my body as me during yoga today, but as my body. Even though I wasn't in a "state". Four extremities, stomach, everything I could see was weird and it wasn't me.
In the evening, I was so frustrated and discouraged that I went to bed with a glass of wine. I lost all motivation. I felt the pointlessness of my life again...
Tuesday, 14.02.23 - My wishes do not exist!!!!!!!!
Today went on somehow. A long day at work. I sat on the sofa in the evening, completely exhausted and depressed, and browsed through my mobile phone. I opened the mailbox and discovered two important mails. Sunyatacharu wrote that a lot of positivity is needed to release the fourth shackle. And that everyone is working on the fourth shackle, I could ask anyone... Christiane Michelberger replied that she would offer me a personal appointment on March 8th.
The two emails gave me a huge boost and I no longer felt so alone. I felt a surge of energy and said to myself: enough of this torture. I'm going to sit down on the chair right now and meditate until I’ve released this damn fourth shackle. I am SO DONE with this shackle. It must finally come to an end.
I went into the office and locked myself in. I mentally prepared myself to spend the night in the chair. I took the word "positivity" from Sunyatacharu's email as a key word. I remembered how much joy and happiness I used to feel during meditation. I used to feel the anticipation of tomorrow's meditation in the evening because it was associated with so much pleasure. But lately I have been so obsessed with releasing the fourth shackle that I have been "misusing" meditation just for thinking. Maybe that's why the conditions have subsided and disappeared? Buddha said: "bliss is the key to nirvana"... When I realised this, my state brightened and I actually experienced a very beautiful, very bright meditation. I SIMPLY enjoyed it and thought of nothing else. I probably sat there for an hour and didn't want to stop. In between, Peter came and rattled the door, which didn't bother me.
At some point your thoughts start to circle anyway: What is it with this reacting? I dug deep inside myself and couldn't find an answer. I thought of the crystal-clear substance, but there was no inner reaction either. Then I thought of the "everything burns" and could visualise very well how everything around me was burning. Everything was so unstable, everything disintegrated before my eyes, so that my environment practically didn't exist. Then I looked inside myself and realised once again how unstable I am. And - suddenly I remembered how I examined my desires according to Philip Moffitt's advice. Desire is very unstable and its existence is only supported by thoughts. At that moment, I was overcome by the feeling that my desires did not exist. It was as if they had vanished into thin air before my eyes, like a mirage. As if a soap bubble had burst! I suddenly felt an emptiness in the place where my wishes had been. I realised that they had NEVER existed. It was all just an illusion! Just like the first shackle.
MY GOD! I knew that! I understood it intellectually all the time! But I only experienced it now. I didn't just grasp it with my mind, but with my whole being. It's hard to describe.
I sat there and thought to myself: so easy and unspectacular... No feeling of happiness. Just an emptiness. In a non-existent world, a non-existent self discovers its non-existent desires... Complete bollocks.😆 Or complete freedom. However you want to take it. Funny how the solution was so simple. And I, the stupid one, tormented myself with various mental constructs for the long, long weeks…
Another confirmation: my shackles are actually a chain. I pull on the event "Everything burns", then comes "My inner self doesn't exist", the next point is my non-existent desires. So I can completely unwind myself. I am not stupid. I am brilliant. 🤩🤩🤩
And because I am so brilliant, I don't have to be reborn! I don't have to go back to this crazy and agonising world!!!!!!!!
This thought broke the dam. I don't have to go back here! I am free from this world! It was as if an avalanche was coming. Indescribable happiness. A feeling of marvellous freedom in my chest, all the way to my stomach, all the way to my navel. Hard to describe. The tears came. I don't need to be born again!.…
I must have sat there for a very long time and cried with relief. I didn't have to spend the night in the office though, thank goodness.... 🤩🤩🤩
I don't know if it was the complete solution or just the weakening of the shackle, as Philip Moffitt puts it. What about my aversion? Does it not exist either? I'll have to investigate tomorrow.
The wonderful sensations in my chest and abdomen lasted for hours. Even in the middle of the night, when I had to go to the loo, I could still feel them.
So, let’s continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 15.02.23 - Significant reduction in suffering
This morning I woke up without the alarm clock just before five o'clock, full of energy and joy like I haven't had for weeks. Full of hope again. Oh, man…
The first thing I did was listen to myself: Do I want something? Do I not want something? I could only realise that this daily inner resistance of "Oh God, I have to go to work!" was absent. Instead, I sensed a neutrality. "I have to go to work - okay, then I'll go to work". Get out of bed! BEAUTIFUL! 🤩🤩🤩 While brushing my teeth, I realised that I'm pretty much neutral about tonight's dinner with the practice, even though yesterday I was really resisting it inside. What am I supposed to do in a restaurant with the people I see more often than my children anyway and where I can't eat anything but salad? But today this "I don't want to" was no longer there! Immediate reduction in suffering! Oh, man... I wasn't expecting such a great practical application of the fourth shackle! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
But the desire to move on has become even stronger emotionally. I finally want to escape this suffering! I don't understand... Isn't this wish one of the other wishes?
I told Peter about my joy and triumph. He listened to it briefly, turned round and went to the toilet. His bladder was squeezing... I am fully aware that my reports are meant to seem like delirium or an abracadabra. "Honey, I experienced yesterday that my desires don't exist! I'm so happy!" 🤣🤣🤣 Really, I can laugh about it myself! Somehow my brain is currently managing to live in two parallel worlds that you can't imagine side by side.
I so often have the impulse to tell someone my story, but I realise that no one will understand. My friends will probably get scared or worry about me... The information just slips past my brain. That's how it used to be for me. I remember how I reacted when Christel told me that her inner self didn't exist. Lack of understanding and rejection of the information. Overhearing. The mind is wrapped up so tightly that it sees nothing. Worse still, the mind REFUSES to look. Madness. Plausible reasons are put forward such as: "It's too esoteric for me" or: "I don't have time for it right now". I understand. Maybe I should look for people who aren't so wrapped up in it? These people will probably be interested in my story. Where do you look for them? Theoretically, the Buddhists should already be pretty close to the surface. Should I talk about it at the upcoming retreat?
Around lunchtime
I looked again at the website "The ten shackles".  It says there that you understand the nature of desire and aversion when the fourth shackle is completely released. I don't understand the nature. There is no desire and no aversion, what nature are they supposed to have? I must be too stupid... I'll have to ask Christiane.
Later that evening
I didn't get home until 9.30pm. Full of energy. Happy. Back in the "state". During the day I had slight chest tightness, although I meditated extensively yesterday. I took time during my lunch break and meditated again for about thirty minutes. The "state" was therefore very high this evening.
I was sitting in the restaurant with my colleagues from the practice, listening to the conversations and watching the people. I really felt like an alien. I no longer belonged to this species or this world. It's all been alien to me for so long. The strange habit of this species to celebrate all occasions with an extensive intake of food. Often in combination with intoxicating substances. Wouldn't it be more fun to sit down in a quiet circle and read something joyful or spiritual? Or just go for a walk in the woods together? Go dancing? Rhythmic body movements to beautiful music give me much more pleasure than eating... Strange thoughts in the middle of (postponed) Christmas dinner. But I was in a high "state" tonight and everything feels different. There were also slight feelings of alienation, like now when I'm writing, this strange hand with the blue pen. I'm already familiar with it…
Well, I think that the fourth shackle is completely loose. At least that's what it feels like now in its current "state".
Oh yes. Christiane Michelberger called my "states" Jhanas in her email. She meant that they are meditation immersions in which the shackles are temporarily lifted. I don't know. My "states" sometimes last for days. And I function and live (almost) normally. But she's absolutely right about the lifted shackles. In principle, it doesn't matter what words people use to describe it. Although the terminology is very helpful for communication.
Well, I just read the Wikipedia entry about Jhanas one more time. Nothing new. The first non-formless jhana is the grey substance, this nothingness. But I don't remember experiencing the form-bound Jhanas. I thought they were arranged and gone through in stages. Also, I don't know which experiences to assign the "crystal clear" to. So many questions. Where is my teacher? Maybe Christiane can give me some answers. Now to sleep. Much too late.
https://de.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dhyana
Thursday 16/02/2023 - Dinner with Buddhists
Late in the evening...
Man, I'm so exhausted. I may be in a "state", but physically I'm completely exhausted. It's been two chaotic days in a row where I haven't even been able to sit down and think in peace. Not to mention the regeneration. Today I spent the whole day running, and in the evening I had another restaurant meal with the Buddhists from the "Taste of Freedom" course. I was so looking forward to the meeting. I feel a strong connection to these people and didn't want to cancel despite my state of exhaustion. Instead, I asked myself a few times whether I shouldn't cancel the retreat next weekend. Experience has shown that the retreats are very exhausting for me. At least this time I don't have to drive myself this time; I can use a rideshare. The topic of the retreat is very exciting. It will work out somehow.
The exchange over dinner was really nice, even though we were only a small group today. I don't know if I didn't seem a bit strange to people. I was so overwhelmed with my happiness that I couldn't really listen. Iris talked about a sad event in the kindergarten where she provides psychological support. I'm afraid I couldn't connect at all. It all seemed so unreal to me. Non-existent sad events in this non-existent cruel world…
Because of all the hustle and bustle, I wasn't able to examine my desires or dislikes sufficiently over the past two days. It was only when we were sitting in the restaurant very late that did I find myself surprised.  Normally, I want to get home quickly from such gatherings. But today I sat there and felt nothing but neutrality. I didn't want to go home. But I didn't want to stay here either. I didn't feel any desires at all. And no dislikes. At some point I had to give myself a mental jolt, after all, you can't spend the night in a restaurant. Hmmm. It takes a bit of getting used to. Good that rationality is not lost in this transformation.
Friday, 17.02.23 - I am one with universe
Madness. The sixth shackle is released. I would never have expected something like this in my life. And it was really easy. I've been in a strong "state" since Wednesday. I'm currently in Vimaladhatu at the retreat "What the Buddha was able to overcome, we can also overcome".
Today I took a rideshare myself. During the journey, I gathered my courage and opened up to three strange women. The three of them are Mitras (the name given to people who want to deepen their knowledge of the Buddha's teachings and take a course lasting several years). Funnily enough, they hadn't heard of the ten shackles. This is probably not discussed at all at our centre. I don't understand. Why on earth? What else is taught there? Is our centre at all productive when it comes to awakening? If so, where are all the enlightened people?  In the 35 years of the centre's existence, there should be many. I felt like an impostor and completely out of place when I talked about releasing the fourth shackle. I also had the feeling that these women didn't understand what I meant. I was quite uncomfortable and embarrassed.
At 6pm we gathered in the common room and sat down in a circle for the introductions. I was still very absorbed in myself and tried to analyse my wishes. There was a candle on the table and I wanted to light it. Was that what I wanted? I stayed seated at first, not sure if the wish existed. Then I thought: maybe the other people will be happy about the candlelight. Zack! And the impulse was there. I got up, found some matches and lit the candle. I would love to tell other people about my experiences so that they have a candle in the dark and don't have to wander around like me. But at that moment I knew that I wouldn't dare to do it in front of these 23 strangers. My opening up in the car on the way here was not particularly pleasant.
Sitting next to me was Shraddhaghosha, one of the leaders of this retreat. He looked very friendly and open. He started the round of introductions, asking everyone to tell something about themselves and why they were here. I listened to the people but felt quite uncomfortable. Normally I like such gatherings. This time was different. I didn't know how to sit down. Didn't know exactly what to say. Wasn't sure if my hairstyle and facial expression were okay. What do you think other people think of me? - Well, I never really ask myself that question. What's going on today? Why this self-absorption? I know that my inner self doesn't exist. And yet I felt very self-absorbed. Very uncomfortable. At that moment I thought dejectedly: My God, some kind of suffering again. I had just experienced such a wonderful reduction in suffering by releasing the fourth shackle. And now a new problem has arisen. I briefly introduced myself and said that I was here because I was extremely interested in the topic.
I already know the routine. After dinner, we meditated downstairs. During the meditation, I thought about what had happened during the introductions and suddenly realised that the word 'self-absorption' had taken on a special meaning. Something vibrated inside me. I already knew that from the wording of the other shackles. I started to think about it. Why am I self-absorbed today? If my solid self doesn't exist, what was the basis for my thoughts during the round of introductions?
I'll probably have to pull the chain again. And - I imagined everything around me burning so that it practically didn't exist. It went brilliantly today as the “state” was very high. The end of the meditation was open and I heard some people get up and leave. But that didn't bother me at all. I imagined that my solid self did not exist. My desires don't exist either.
And then I thought to myself: If nothing exists around me and I and my desires don't exist, isn't it the same thing? What kind of non-existent substance is all this? I imagined myself as nothing, separated by a thin border from the nothing outside. At the same moment I realised that the nothing inside me and the nothing outside are the same matter. And the thin boundary dissolved! I was one with the outside. One with the universe. It was marvellous. It was like all the other shackles: complete freedom and happiness.
At that moment, there was silence in the shrine room. I sat on the chair with my eyes closed and my whole body was flooded with freedom and happiness. A very strong feeling of freedom. At some point, I opened my eyes and there was no one there but me. I honestly didn't expect that. 😅
Saturday, 18.02.23 - This world only exists in my consciousness
I hardly slept today. A strong "state" all night, excitement, too much energy, thoughts running wild. The meditation house is also very noisy. I dozed off several times and was woken up again by footsteps in the corridor and the sound of the toilet flushing.
I decided to get up at five o'clock. I'm completely wired anyway. But I have to be careful: If things go on like this, I'm heading for burnout.
Tonight I was very preoccupied with the question of how I can take people with me. The fact is that the information I give bounces off the surface of consciousness. A normal person is so wrapped up in the chain that the information is simply not accessible from the outside. Only the open people who use direct knowledge in the sense of intuition and those who are spiritual have the chance to accept something. It's really ridiculous. The teaching is so simple, but you can't teach it. I myself do not understand the next shackles, although I am in the final stage of awakening. I read the description on the page "The Ten Shackles", read it again and again, and I still can't understand it. "Desire for freedom of form or happy states" - as if it were formulated in a foreign language. I think I have a blockage in my head. I can only see that I've already experienced that space and time don't exist. How does that work? If I loosen the seventh shackle before the fourth????
Christiane Michelberger describes the solution to the sixth shackle as follows: "There is no difference between subject and object. For me it felt different: I am one with the universe. And my key word was self-absorption. Difficult. I feel like I'm on the website once an hour. But the information doesn't resonate with me. I guess every awakening is different.
Second thing: although people have made it to the Buddhist centre, it doesn't mean that they are all close to the surface. Some water lilies are still buried deep in the mud. Tonight it occurred to me that a certain purification process should take place first, as it did for me at the beginning. I suppose I came to the centre quite prepared. I was already close to the surface. What is taught at the centre is the preparation of the mind. Now I understand that. But I would love to help people. Should I tell my story here at the retreat after all? However, I definitely won't be able to make it to the big round. Maybe I should talk to one of the ordained people.
Oh yes, after releasing the fourth shackle, I achieved a very high level of self-confidence. I realise that books no longer help me. I no longer feel the need to read. My diary is much more useful. Reflection is the be-all and end-all.
After breakfast…
I was able to immerse myself deeply in meditation today. I was very interested to see if I could feel again that I am one with the universe. Followed the tried and tested path again: the world around me does not exist => my inner self does not exist => that means both do not exist and are therefore one. I was actually able to reproduce it. The knowledge gained does not disappear. 🤩🤩🤩 I sat there and enjoyed it. I am one with the universe! I felt it with every cell of my body.
At that moment I asked myself: Wait a minute, but I think - that means - I exist! Isn't that what Descartes' famous sentence sounds like? Where does this consciousness exist?
At that moment, I suddenly realised that my consciousness was expanding. It widened and widened and widened! It never stopped expanding! It had no boundaries at all! And I suddenly realised that this "grey matter", this nothingness, is all just a consciousness! THIS NOTHING IS A CONSCIOUSNESS!!!!!!!! And it's not just any consciousness! This whole consciousness out there is me! Everything exists in me, in my consciousness... The whole material world! There is no logical explanation for this. But it must be a deep truth or some kind of bondage. Because everything inside me vibrated and I was overcome with happiness and a feeling of freedom again. Pure madness!
I don't feel like looking at theweb page "The ten shackles" today. I can't really categorise myself there anyway. It probably doesn't matter which shackle it is. Things just evolve.
16:30...
I'm so exhausted. I lay down after breakfast and dozed for an hour. My mood is in the basement at the moment. I just had to cry. I don't even understand why I'm suffering. The "state" has been higher these days than it has been for a long time. I meditated for 1½ hours this morning, the "state" levelled off again around lunchtime, maybe that's why the mood swings? I've been feeling love again since yesterday. I love EVERY SINGLE person here. Although not as extreme as in Morocco. This morning after meditation I felt like my brain was liquefying again. I'm unable to think clearly. I've already forgotten what it was like all those months.
Later that evening…
I am still so exhausted. The talks here are wonderful. Shraddhaghosha is definitely a master. How he can teach the material.... Clear and captivating. He finds brilliant expressions. But the small group discussions were very exhausting. I told a few people briefly about my experiences and was very emotional, I had to cry. People are so understanding. But I'm completely exhausted. I didn't sleep all night and had one deep realisation after another. Emotional swings that are probably related to the high "state". And to top it all off, I'm extremely sensitive to noise again. I find it very difficult to eat in a dining room with 23 other people. The clinking of every single fork echoes in my head like an empty barrel. Maybe I'll skip the evening meditation tonight and go to bed early.
After dinner...
I dared to talk to Shraddhaghosha. This led to another emotional outburst. We talked for an hour and I cried unabashedly for an hour. The situation is very stressful for me. I have the feeling that I can no longer control it. It's all very difficult and I can't take a step back like I did before the first shackle when I was exhausted. I have the feeling that a very powerful current has taken hold of me and I am unable to defend myself. As if I had fallen into a Niagara Falls. Complete helplessness. I am fighting for survival.
This is how I put it in conversation: "It's all too much for me, too intense and too fast. Plus extreme exhaustion...” Shraddhaghosha was very understanding. He didn't speak Chinese with me and commented on everything in a very human way. Maybe he can support me? Shraddhaghosha said I shouldn't feel obliged to do anything, I could just retire to my room if it was too much for me. I followed his advice, had dinner in my room, skipped meditation and went straight to bed.
When I was a child, I read somewhere that in the third millennium more and more enlightened beings will emerge and that humanity will move on to the next stage of development. Never in my life could I imagine that this would affect me in any way…
Sunday, 19.02.23 - I'm sleeping!!!!!!!
08:50
God, I'm experiencing some crazy things at the moment. No wonder it's getting to me.
This morning in meditation, I wanted to know exactly how it can be that everything only exists in my consciousness. I worked my way back up the chain, starting with "Everything is burning" and ending with "Everything exists in my consciousness". Then I thought: If there is no boundary between me and the external objects, I can theoretically be in any object. I imagined our shrine room. There was a Buddha sculpture in front. I thought: Let me "wander" from my non-existent body to this non-existent statue. I 'expanded' and 'walked' to the front. I tried to feel the statue. At that moment I felt cold in my chest, very little. Probably just my imagination. I thought: The statue must be completely cold and immobile. Dead. What does dead matter feel like anyway? I imagine the atoms of the sculpture resting, row by row. Complete stillness. Silence. Nothing moves. No feelings. In a very brief moment, I felt like I was in front. I was inside. But I was irritated that her eyes were looking in the other direction, I tried to "turn" inside and lost contact. It wasn't a pity, in the end it's just a gimmick. But I think it was a very deep meditation.
I was also interested in one more thing. Let's assume that nothing exists outside and that this world is only in my consciousness. It only arises in my head thanks to my sensory organs. My eyes, ears, skin, sense of balance, etc. collect data that is processed in the brain. But if the sensory organs and the brain, including the entire material world, do not exist, where does the information come from? Where does it go? Where is it processed? Does this data even exist?
At that moment, a cold shiver ran down my spine. I suddenly had a penetrating feeling that I was asleep. I sleep and see dreams. I don't see reality. Everything that I had previously thought was reality only exists in my consciousness! I see all non-existent things! Wow... Where is reality???????? I actually felt like Neo, [The Matrix] spinning in his capsule, opening his eyes for a moment, understanding nothing and diving back into his dreams…
21:30
Another gruelling retreat. I’d already repressed it and absolutely forgot how exhausting the last time was. Due to the frequent and prolonged meditation, the "state" is very high and my brain feels liquid and boiling. I can smell exhaust fumes again, although there are definitely none here in the Sauerland forest. My brain is going crazy. I feel dizzy at times. A little disorientated. I forget what I wanted to say in the middle of a sentence. Emotionally unstable. I cry several times a day. Really bad. But I can't say that I want to go home... Do I want anything at all? All I can say is that I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow.
I am of course very happy to have experienced this. The conversation with Magda (one of the participants) was very helpful. She gave me several ideas:
firstly, I find the process so extremely stressful because of my emotional fluctuations. It would be so much easier without them. Every event brings out the deepest feelings. However, thanks to the feelings, things remain firmly anchored in the brain. I would even say they are burnt into the cerebral cortex. I can still easily remember the "everything is burning", I can feel it even though it was months ago. I will probably never forget this event.
Secondly, it is extremely complicated to integrate what I have experienced into my previous world view. I try to link these two worlds, the material and the non-material, and lose my mind in the process. Sometimes it's easy if I can explain it to myself logically, like the event "Everything is burning". But the one with consciousness or the last event "I sleep" really knocks my socks off because I fall out of all previous concepts. I clearly have the feeling that these two worlds are interwoven, they are one and do not exist separately. The material world exists and does not exist at the same time. It is this nothingness, this consciousness... It is its product, I would say. I can't explain it all to myself through logical thinking and sometimes I feel like my head is going to burst. Magda said I shouldn't try to explain it. It's probably just a different kind of perception of the universe…
The room is empty, everyone is downstairs at the full moon puja, a small Buddhist celebration. I've never attended a ceremony like this before. I don't like rituals, but I didn't want to isolate myself and went along. However, after about 15 minutes, when the participants started to lie on their stomachs to crawl towards the Buddha statue, I flew out like a rocket. It was definitely too much for me. I just hope I didn't hurt the feelings of the celebrants. I can't explain how these grown-up, decent people suddenly do such nonsense. It even disgusted me. I can't imagine that Buddha would have wanted something like that.
I actually had to resort to physical methods today to get out of my head a little. I went for a walk in the forest, took two very hot showers and even switched on my mobile phone to get out of the Buddhist context. Heading home tomorrow. 😅
Monday, 20.02.23 - The well-being of all beings
If I had to describe this retreat in three words, I would say: Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
I'm home again. Completely exhausted. I've thought several times about calling in sick to work tomorrow. The problem is that three of our six-person team are currently ill with coronavirus. So, I have to go no matter what. I've eaten too much tonight and I've also eaten too many carbohydrates, so I've fallen out of my eating routine. But I'm feeling better mentally. I can't get this experience of sleeping out of my head. In comparison, the "wants and dislikes" shackle feels like baby stuff. Now it's about the serious stuff.
Before we left, we went to the stupa outside and recited "Giving Merit". I had never heard of this ritual before. After the first two lines, my tears came up again and I couldn't say the words. I've never cried so much in my life. My nerves are on edge.
Surrender of merits and self-surrender
May the merits
I have thus acquired
Help to alleviate the suffering of all beings.
My life in all my existences,
My possessions
And the fruits of my good deeds
on the three paths
I give without hesitation
To bring about the salvation of all beings.
Just as the earth and all the elements
serve
the countless beings in infinite space
in many ways,
so may I too become that
which sustains all beings
that the whole of space harbours,
as long as not all
are at peace.
Source: Puja - Triratna Buddhism
http://www.triratna-buddhismus.de/fileadmin/user_upload/Texte/Puja_fuer_Web.pdf
Oh man, I have to cry again. It's exactly what I feel: I love all beings in the world and want to help everyone awaken. Especially when the "state" is high, this feeling burns almost painfully in my chest.
My conversation with Magda gave me the idea that my "state" is simply the awakening process that I feel. Sometimes it is quick, sometimes slower. I can speed it up by meditating longer and more often. Daily meditations here with an hour and a half in the morning and evening were definitely too much. That's why the events poured over me like a Niagara Falls.
At the moment, some words even make me shudder: sleep, recognise, exist... When I hear them on the TV, I cringe. When I got home today, I fell onto the sofa and watched the animated film "Hotel Transylvania" with the kids for almost an hour and a half. What a load of rubbish. But I desperately needed something "normal".
21:00
Peter has just asked me what I've experienced. I explained "sleeping" to him by comparing it to "The Matrix". Which is not the same thing, of course. But you have to communicate somehow. I don't know exactly how Buddha described his awakening. It would be nice to be able to talk to an awakened person. But in principle, things explain themselves at some point.
The Buddha statue was probably just a mistake. These are experiences that are fleeting. I don't feel like pursuing it any further. They say Buddha found the imperishable, the immortal and the unborn. That's what I want to find.
Tuesday 21.02.23 - My body doesn't exist
Events are coming thick and fast…
I didn't know how I was going to get through the day this morning. I was completely drained of energy. It felt like I was dying so slowly because of my awakening.... 😕
The working day was completely chaotic. After a public holiday (yesterday was Shrove Monday), there was a rush of patients as usual. And we were only there with half the staff. I spent the whole day running. But somehow it worked out thanks to adrenalin, coffee, my work discipline and our good team spirit.
During my lunch break, I sat in the kitchen completely exhausted and thought about what had happened recently. In particular, the experience of me sleeping. Just thinking about it gives me the creeps. In the middle of this thought, however, I suddenly had a deeper shock: what's wrong with my body?????? I looked at my legs and was stunned: my legs didn't exist!!!!!!! I saw and felt them and at the same time realised that they weren't there!!!! They are simply gone!!!!! Non-existent!!!!!!!!! A shock.
I know that the world doesn't exist and neither does my solid self. But somehow I haven't looked at my body that closely so far... I haven't even asked myself this question: What about my body? But just now I realised with a deep horror: my body doesn't exist!
That was definitely too much for me at that moment. I said to myself: No. No. No. It's really going too far for me. I'm not dealing with this right now. I'm so empty and drained right now and I have no energy for this sh... I have to get through my working day, I have an urgent home visit coming up and I have to keep going until at least 17:00. I'm definitely not going to deal with my body right now.
I pushed aside any thoughts of my awakening process and resolutely avoided looking at my body for the rest of the day. I went shopping after work, arrived home, unpacked the groceries and went straight to the office. I HAD to sort this out.
I locked myself in the office and proceeded according to the usual pattern: The world doesn't exist => until sleep. Then I "looked" at my body, which wasn't so easy with my eyes closed. At some point, I was able to visualise my hand reaching for a spoon. And at the same moment it burst into "flames", just like "everything is burning". It was indescribable. Liberating. Admittedly not as strong a feeling of happiness as I felt with the fourth shackle. But still incredible. My body is on fire too! It doesn't exist! It's simply absurd how I've been able to block it out so far.
I have no idea what kind of shackle that is. I was so knocked out that I just fell into bed. I had no energy left to browse the internet.
Wednesday, 22.02.23 - I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Around midnight I was torn from my sleep and felt a strong "state", as I often do after evening meditation. But I was too exhausted and had no strength left for anything. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
At about two o'clock in the morning I was woken up again, this time quite rudely, and realised that I HAD to stay awake. Something was going on. My mind was spinning, if I may put it that way. Everything was in motion. If I were to describe it metaphorically, it felt like a butterfly had almost hatched and was only fixed in one place at the top of its cocoon. The wings are already out, the butterfly flutters, turns and wants to fly, but is not yet free. The description doesn't really fit, but I can't describe it any better. My whole being was this butterfly. Everything was fluttering, everything was turning. I understood - something was happening and I had to stay awake. I had no strength to get up, so I sat up a little higher in bed and waited for what was coming. It was pitch black, only the indicator light from my electric heating pad was flashing in the corner.
And then it happened. I suddenly heard a powerful voice, as if thousands of people were speaking together. The voice asked me: "WILL YOU BE FREE OF FORM?" I was stunned. The voice repeated: "WILL YOU BE FREE OF FORM"?
My God, I was so perplexed and didn't know what to say. What did it say on the webpage "The Ten Shackles"? Desire for form? Or for freedom of form? I didn't know what to answer... I simply "said": I want to be free! I probably shouted that inside. Then I was overcome with such an indescribable feeling of happiness that it flooded my entire body. I felt this incredible happiness in every single cell of my body. Right down to the bone marrow. And I knew at that moment: I AM formless! Form was simply an illusion!
I was overjoyed in bed, but couldn't stop thinking. I asked myself or this voice: how can I feel anything if I am formless??? Because my sensory organs are made of flesh and blood... And then came the next push: I FEEL NOTHING! It's also just an illusion! - And another wave of happiness.
I revelled in this happiness, how great, it's just an illusion too! But wait a minute, how can it be? I'm lying here in bed, I can see my heating pad blinking, I can hear my husband breathing and my skin can feel the warmth. And at the same time I know: it's just an illusion!
But my mind didn't give in. How can I exist if I don't feel anything? The answer was: I DO NOT EXIST!
As I write this now, I realise I'm fully ready for psychiatry... But I feel a warm tingling in my legs and I KNOW it's the deep truth. I can't explain it with my limited mind, but I probably don't have to…
And then came the realisation: I am free! And an inner cry of joy that probably echoed throughout the universe: I am free! I AM FREE!
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I lay in the darkness, feeling my heart pounding, flooded with happiness hormones. Because I knew at that moment: I am free from suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I loosen all the shackles? Somehow I lost track of things in the last few days. If they were all shackles and I woke up, shouldn't I see my past lives? I tried to listen into myself and imagined myself going deeper and deeper, very, very deep into my past existences, like a descent into darkness, down to the bacteria probably, and then up the "tunnel" again, very slowly to the present state, but I didn't see anything. Hmmm... Did Buddha not see his life immediately? But he must have sat in meditation for several hours, and I'm so flat. I can't possibly meditate now.
I lay there for a while and waited to see if there would be a sequel. At some point I was too tired, turned over and was about to fall asleep, but was woken up again by the question I probably asked myself: Can I be in the other beings? And the answer was: I AM EVERYWHERE! With this answer, something exploded inside me like a supernova. Just for a brief moment. But it was incredible. Indescribable. Inhuman. Impossible... I have experienced billions and billions of beings, like little glowing dots in the darkness in a space WITHOUT BORDERS. And I am inside every being. I am the consciousness. And not a part of the consciousness, because this consciousness is indivisible. I AM THE CONSCIOUSNESS, I AM EVERYTHING, MATTER, SPIRIT AND ALL BEINGS. It is all one and it is me.
PART 3
February 2023 - July 2023
The information pack. I want to help.
Saturday, 25.02.23 - First impressions
Somehow I can't bring myself to sit down and write something. Everything is so beautiful, just as it is... Complete relaxation and happiness... In the meantime, my self-doubt has gone. I now know that the process is complete. I am awakened. 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
It's such a wonderful feeling of peace. There is nothing more to achieve... Such a deep contentment, such an uplifted mood, that at the slightest positive moment, like a ray of sunshine or a joke, the bliss completely overwhelms me and I laugh until I fall over. I don't think I've ever laughed as much as I have in the last three days! I want to hug and kiss everyone. Everything feels so wonderful! I feel such a lightness in my body! I don't feel any negative emotions... A headlight on Peter's car is damaged, I looked at it and immediately forgot about it. Oh, my God! The headlight.
I am still investigating my desires. The awakening came upon me so suddenly that I haven't had a chance to do this yet. I would say a blissful absence of desire feels like this: I look at something and feel no impulse to possess it. Total indifference. Crazy! No more swaying back and forth!!!!!!!!!. An apt description would be: I'm so happy that I don't need anything!
Interesting - buying something for others is not a problem. I ordered a Buddhist-inspired window decoration from Amazon to give away at the centre without feeling any inner resistance.
And today we went to the bike shop to get me a new saddle. There was no internal resistance because I have problems riding. But when Peter offered to pick out a new jacket for me, his offer was declined. I don't need anything! Then we went to the pet food shop and there was no problem there either because it's for the dog! Interesting!!! By the way, the sexual attraction hasn’t gone away. I assume it is a physical reaction (logical really!) , and not a psychological one.
I can't believe it. I still can't believe it... That I've really awakened, and in record time... I realised that it usually takes about two years to break through the fourth shackle, but it's also the strongest.
The desire to help others is still very present. Yesterday I attended the Brahma Vihara course again. I had to seriously pull myself together not to burst into the room and say: "Listen, I have loosened all ten shackles! I can help you!" I felt love for these people and realised: no, I can't push them over the edge like this, it has to be done more gently. I also believe that the risk of being rejected in a group is greater than in a personal conversation. I don't know what to do. My most fervent wish would be for everyone in our centre to awaken! Or at least every second person! And the wave should be passed on! That's the only way we can change this crazy world for the better.
Yesterday I met with Sveta, my cousin, and told her everything. I was very pleased with her reaction.  What an open-minded and empathetic person she is! She took my story very well and we were both very moved. I wished so much that she too would go down the path of awakening, that she would at least release the first shackle! However, the conversation cost me a lot of energy. I talked for an hour and a half without a break and I'm still very weak.
The first few days after awakening, I felt really ill. I somehow dragged myself to work and did the bare minimum. I only made it to the meeting with Sveta with the last of my strength. The fact that I no longer feel any pain is a great support! Physically I'm completely exhausted, but inside I'm calm and sunny!
Today I slept for 10 hours, and for the first time since September I stayed in bed until Peter woke up. It was so nice! Just like old times. After breakfast, I meditated quietly. I was interested in the question: Can I reproduce the event that I am in every being? I worked my way up the chain to my burning body and "saw": Yes! I am actually in every living being! It is simply indescribable!
But I would like to know if it still goes on? Why haven't I seen my past lives? I am waiting impatiently for an answer from Christiane Michelberger. I already wrote to her on Wednesday that I am now free of all shackles. But the video call is only scheduled for the eighth of March.
I can't get the voice I heard the night I woke up out of my head. It's not a good sign when you hear voices, but I'm 1000% sure I'm not insane. Was it the General Consciousness speaking to me? Was it the voice of God? In the past, people would certainly have put it like that.
Sunday, 26.02.23 - Everything new and interesting
It's such a wonderful feeling during meditation that you can't put it on paper.  This perfect peace. The stillness. Bliss. No reactions. I could sit like this forever... Today I felt myself in all the beings in the world again. Madness! Countless creatures... The question arose: why do they suffer if they are a part of me and I no longer suffer? I saw an infinite number of individuals, very close together, eating and hurting each other. If only they would stop doing that... But I think that's the definition of life. This world is like that, those are its conditions. They HAVE to eat each other and hurt each other. Hmmm... This is nothing new, but it's something to think about.
Overall, however, I have the feeling that I'm still not seeing the whole picture. Like a newly hatched chick that doesn't realise anything yet.
Today I discovered that the awakened are quite capable of being angry and unkind!!!! The emotions are fully preserved! However, when the emotions subsided, I was again completely indifferent to the cause of the upset. The excitement lasted about three minutes. So: you don't actually suffer! I can also define exactly WHY the awakened do not suffer. Because they have opened up to a higher level. Everything that used to be so important and big now seems ridiculous and small from above.
A comment from later on: It's actually a bit more complicated than that. I have really stopped suffering because of worldly, everyday problems, and I am no longer depressed about political events and problems on this earth in general. And although the suffering didn't disappear immediately, I have lived very happily ever since, free from "attachments" and always in the present moment.
Monday, 27.02.23 - An information pack to be unpacked
Christiane Michelberger replied to my message today. She advised me to "ground" myself for the next twenty-one days, to take a break from all spiritual activities and not to meditate. A kind of information pack should be unpacked in the next few days... I'm curious! Will I be able to see my past lives? But unfortunately I can't give up meditation because of the chest tightness…
Energetically, I'm feeling a little better today. Yes, my process has almost pushed me to my limits... I am still analysing the situation. I feel much happier than before the awakening. I laugh spontaneously. But I've realised that not all negative feelings have disappeared. I can find someone unsympathetic. I can not want to do something. I can feel uncomfortable.
I thought my mind would finally come to rest, but no. My thoughts continue to circle incessantly around awakening and the Buddhist centre. I have a strong desire to help others and am constantly thinking about how I can do this. Hopefully I won't fall on deaf ears again. It's probably best to wait for the phone call with Christiana on 8 March.
Tuesday, 28.02.23 - It speaks to me!
OH MY GOD!
It's definitely not getting any easier.
IT SPEAKS TO ME!!!
This general consciousness, of which I am a part, speaks to me.
Tonight was just like the night I awakened: I was jolted awake, feeling a high "state". A thunderous voice spoke to me, just like a week ago. It said just one sentence: LIFE AS A CONCEPT IS ONLY POSSIBLE HERE AND NOW. I absolutely agreed with this and suddenly felt my perception of being constantly in the flow of time cease... There was a deep feeling of happiness and the thought: Free!!!!
Was that another shackle?
On the one hand, I was happy about it, but there was a certain inner
rejection. How much longer could this go on? I thought I was already completely through! I'm still in a state of low energy! And I finally want to be able to sleep properly! Without voices in my head!  I've slept extremely badly over the last few months because I've been in a constant state of agitation. Peter also snores, as he always does in winter. I felt like I woke up fifteen times last night!
This voice does not frighten me. I now understand how the prophets used to hear the voice of God. I would probably have said in the past that this is the voice of God if I hadn't known that God doesn't exist in this sense. There is an infinite consciousness, which you can certainly call God if you want. But from the point of view of a modern, awakened human being, it is the Universal Consciousness of which I am a part. Although it is not divisible. In this sense, I speak to myself. 🤣🤣🤣
Wednesday, 01.03.23 - The first feelings of happiness
God, what a beautiful, unspeakably beautiful, happy day! Completely detached, happiness overwhelms me, no worries, no problems, I feel as if I could fly!
And actually it was a normal, stressful day with lots of patients and a lot of other people's problems... I think that's what nirvana feels like. I tenderly love everyone in the world.
I started reading the book "Everyday Enlightenment" by Sally Bonger and I didn't realise it. An awakened person does not describe any extraordinary states of happiness at all. He is obviously liberated from suffering because he has been seeking awakening all his life and has suffered because of it. But I couldn't tell from the book that he is happy now! Hmmm. That's quite strange.
Today I briefly told Shraddhaghosha and Silke that I had awoken. Let's see what happens... If just one person in a hundred believed me, that would be great! I have to digitise my diary! I won't be able to tell my story that often, it takes too much time and a lot of energy…
Thursday, 02.03.23 - Can you convey "Everything is burning"?
00:15
I can't sleep. I'm so happy. I'm floating on cloud nine... I've been working all day today: Driving Grandma Lisa back and forth, cooking, doing laundry, tidying up. Despite the strenuous work, my thoughts only revolved around one topic all day: how I can help people. I can't think about anything else. I guess that's a curse…
I thought about it again and again. For some reason, my shackles didn't fall in the order described. Maybe it's not that important, but the event or vision of "Everything is burning" gave me the push I needed to get on my way. It was the key to all the shackles. Can I pass this vision on to others in meditation?
The resentment towards the Buddhist centre no longer exists. I have a deep and strong desire to give everything I have to the people there. Shraddhaghosha writes that he and his wife are interested in sharing. I am not sure how they will take my story. Will I be disappointed by the conversation? I don't know yet whether awakened people can be disappointed... I would like to try to convey "Everything is burning" in the meditation. Now that would be an unconventional meditation! 🤣🤣
Friday, 03.03.23 - A bad day
Well, this much is certain: there are bad days even in an awakened "state". Today I had a very busy day and went to the Brahma Vihara class straight after work. Sadhanakala started with a body scan, which helped me a lot to relax, despite the carousel of thoughts. I think I like this woman (she is one of the three teachers). She has such a pleasant, soothing voice and a calm, friendly smile.
However, I found the content of the course very tedious. We spent a whole hour lazily discussing how to react in various situations that trigger negative feelings. It all seemed so pointless to me. Why are we talking about something like this? What does it have to do with awakening? Shouldn't we be dealing directly with awakening? We're not in a psychotherapy centre here! I was annoyed and could hardly wait for the meditation.
Before the meditation, we were asked to make some strange arm movements while standing until my muscles ached. It was supposed to be a kind of energy exercise.  When the meditation began, I was able to immerse myself well, but was constantly disturbed by the texts being read out. I could only switch off from the instructor's voice with difficulty... Today I was really annoyed about the wasted time.
I came home completely exhausted and seriously asked myself: "Why am I even going to this course? What do I expect from it? I don't think the centre can give me anything more. I could give these people something myself, but they probably won't want to listen to me. I think it's very hard for some to imagine that awakening actually exists and can happen to anyone. I understand that my story seems very unbelievable from their point of view. I am still very new to the centre and have no authority. Besides, the spirit is very well wrapped up in the chain. The tenth shackle in particular is very strong in some people: "I don't want to know anything!"
Interestingly, before my process, the information and courses at the centre seemed very valuable to me.  It is amazing how my opinion changed after the awakening. Feelings and emotions are taught very well here. But awakening is not talked about in any way. I haven't heard a single word in the last six months!!! This topic is completely avoided as if awakening is something embarrassing. Only Shraddhaghosha has mentioned it in the retreat.
After the course, my mood was so bad that I seriously wondered whether I had woken up or just dreamt the whole thing. Am I suffering or is it just a bad mood? I need to get to grips with this. Actually, I am ABSOLUTELY sure that I am awake. After all I've been through.... No, there's no doubt about it. So why am I experiencing these negative emotions? Is this normal for an awakened person? I urgently need to speak to Christiane!!!
Oh yes. Yesterday I persuaded Peter to go out for a drink and after two cocktails I was drunk as a skunk. I slept like a baby, no "state" or “condition” could disturb me. But during the night, Peter went to the toilet and lit his way with a mobile phone torch. I woke up to this bright, focussed light and was startled to find myself outside my body, a few inches to the left of him. I couldn't see my body from the outside, but I remember him scratching his forehead. I felt completely alienated, like it was a different person. Creepy! My body turned to the other side and went to sleep so I wouldn't experience this horrible split again. The next morning I woke up as normal and had almost forgotten what had happened. But it got me thinking, apparently my mind is capable of many things. If only I had a teacher...
Saturday, 04.03.23 - Welcome to nihilism!
Oh dear.
I thought I'd already experienced everything…
I felt great during the day. I was able to meditate wonderfully. Interestingly, I still get "states"! I thought they would disappear after awakening. But it doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. I was happy and content all day, singing, energised and got a lot done.
In the evening, Peter and I went to the sauna and I was still in a high "state". I was revelling in happiness. It's so indescribably beautiful to be awake!
I sat relaxed in the sauna, sweating during the infusion and thinking about my clothes. It was dark outside and where you normally have a wonderful view, you could only see a few lights. As I looked at these points of light, I thought about the fact that general consciousness is actually indivisible. So I cannot say that I am a part of this consciousness. If I want to formulate this correctly, I have to say: I am this consciousness.
At that moment, something in my brain switched and I suddenly EXPERIENCED that I am infinite and formless. I became an INFINITE consciousness! I was everywhere!!! I was omnipotent!!! The boundary between the two worlds had disappeared.  The "state" was so strong that I felt like I could trigger a tornado with a wave of my hand!!!!!
After the infusion we went outside, sat down by the fireplace and the realisation washed over me... Figuratively speaking: I already had all the pieces of the puzzle, but it hadn't occurred to me to put them together yet. All the past events had been so intense that I wasn't able to put two and two together to see the big picture when I was resting.
I suddenly realised that nothing, absolutely NOTHING material exists. There is no matter! There is no earth. There are no stars, no galaxies, no people, no animals, and not even myself (but that was already clear). It's all just a dream or an illusion, created by the general consciousness. It is only MY dream. Because I am this consciousness. And apart from me, this consciousness, absolutely nothing exists.
At that moment, I remembered the "storm" in which I was separated from my little son and from all people. I felt terribly lonely back then. And I experienced exactly that feeling again today. Alone, COMPLETELY ALONE! No wonder the general consciousness wants to sleep and dream of love and suffering, of society, science and space…
At that moment, the ground was pulled out from under my feet. Suddenly I saw the whole picture.
I can't remember how I showered and got dressed. I can only remember feeling sick during the journey. How can it be that EVERYTHING doesn't exist here???????? This car, these traffic lights, these sounds and sensations... And Peter... Is he also just a dream of mine??????????
When we got home, I fell onto the sofa and tried to process it. I felt like my world was crumbling, like the picture at the end of a video game that breaks into squares that fall down and the screen goes black. In desperation, I wrote to Christiane and asked her if she existed, but I knew immediately that she wouldn't be able to help me. Because even if she writes that she exists, what does that prove? It's all in my head!
I felt like I was drowning and that there was not a single straw I could grasp at... There was no one who could help me... Buddha never existed, it was all just a dream of mine. The Buddhist centre where I wanted to help people didn't exist. Neither my mother nor my children, nothing existed... No space, no time. I have no idea why I woke up, probably for a physiological reason, if consciousness has a physiology at all.
That evening, without any warning, I experienced a real nihilistic crisis. Peter was taking care of me so touchingly. I sat lifelessly on the sofa, staring into space, expecting everything around me to dissolve at any moment now that I was awake. Why could I still see, hear and feel anything?
Why don't I disappear from this dream right now? Not die, but simply disappear. Dissolve. Because you can't die if you were never born. I was NEVER born. I have NEVER died. I can't see my past lives. If anything, they were just dreams, strung together like pearls on a necklace…
Yes, Christiane had actually warned me that the knowledge pack would be unpacked within twenty-one days. But I couldn't imagine that she meant THAT…
It was all too much for me.  I want to get out of this stupid dream! I want to get away from here! But I can't leave my little son here alone! Wait a minute, I'm not leaving him alone, am I? He never existed?????
I couldn't bear these thoughts any longer, got up and wobbled into the bedroom, still wondering why my feet were touching the floor and why I could see the walls, the furniture and our bed. I just didn't understand why the world wasn't falling to pieces and why I could keep breathing. I collapsed in bed and didn't want to know or feel anything anymore, just NOTHING! I was so disillusioned and disappointed by this stupid info pack. I had expected all the secrets of the universe to be revealed to me when I woke up, but not this rubbish... That I would discover that I exist all alone. And that I had created this world out of my loneliness. This cruel world that keeps me in suspense and distracts me from reality so that I don't wake up…
It was very, very, very sobering.
I crawled under the covers and wished I would never wake up again.
Dear readers, I don't want to "doctor" my experiences from back then. They were indeed so dramatic that day. I had drifted too deeply into the general or higher consciousness. From this perspective, the material world does not exist and my everyday consciousness was horrified by this. I will still have to learn to tolerate duality. Awakening is still worthwhile, even if I judged it so negatively that day.
Sunday, 05.03.23 - Yes, that has to be digested first…
I woke up today with a full body ache, every fibre ached. I was more exhausted than I'd been in eight months. I could barely crawl to the toilet, went back to bed and wanted to go back to sleep. But then hunger won and I dragged myself into the kitchen. I felt like I'd been run over by at least ten tractors.
The horror of yesterday's realisation eased a little. I realised that I was now not only free from suffering, but also in possession of knowledge. Over breakfast, I looked at the webpage with the ten shackles again. When would I finally be able to talk to Christiana? Why do I have to experience all the events of this stupid awakening unprepared??????
Obviously I was wrong when I thought my process was complete.…
This morning I was tormented by the question of "Why? What am I getting up for? What is the purpose of going to work tomorrow? What is the point of it all? Why this? Why that?
Well, the question of why I was making myself breakfast didn't arise. But there was suddenly an infinite pointlessness, even stronger than the one that drove me to Buddhism.
After breakfast, I went back to bed and Googled a bit. What did Buddha say on this subject? I couldn't remember him making such nihilistic statements. Google says: Buddha claimed that there are two worlds: the conditioned world and the formless world. That made my heart a little lighter.
Maybe I just drifted too much into the formless world yesterday... Buddha probably didn't want people to lose their motivation to go on living. Or maybe Buddha didn't exist at all and this is all just my dream…
Towards midday, the horror and disillusionment subsided and I gradually felt a sense of satisfaction spreading through my chest, such lightness. It reconciled me to the brutal truth of the moment.
At this point, I don't know if I want to help people reach awakening. I'm quite disappointed about it. Also, I'm not one hundred per cent sure if all these people exist. Whatever I do, it's just a dream. And so it doesn't matter what I do next in my life. I might as well lie down in the sun and sunbathe instead of going to work.
Tuesday, 07.03.23 - I'm knocked out.
I'm dead. Going to work yesterday was a mistake. From Sunday to Monday I couldn't get to sleep until four in the morning, even though I was very exhausted. I lay in bed at night and asked myself: What has changed? - And I answered myself: Nothing has changed. My world is still the same. Well, now I know a few things about this reality and I'm not suffering. That was my goal, wasn't it? I've made a few new friends at the Buddhist centre. These are all positive things. Isn't that enough?
Monday was cruel. I was so weak that I could have rolled from one room to another in a wheelchair. I pulled myself together and worked the rest of the day, but I had to call in sick for today and tomorrow.
Today I was so exhausted that I didn't have the energy to meditate until around 4pm. I slept most of the day and spent the rest of it in bed. I lay there and stared at the ceiling.
What a disappointing and disillusioning event that was! There is a big question in the air: What was all that???? I have experienced so much happiness and so many beautiful moments in my process to finally realise a very simple and sobering truth????
At the moment, I really miss the feeling of happiness. At least I'm not suffering and I'm not depressed. I laugh when it's funny. But where is the bliss that the Buddhists talk so much about? And where is the energy? Aren't the awakened ones considered very happy and highly energised people? I don't even know if I can recommend awakening to other people... Its importance is greatly exaggerated.
Maybe it only seems that way to me because I no longer suffer. I can't even remember the taste of suffering...
That Evening…
Although I feel ill, I decided to visit the Buddhist centre tonight. There is one more thing I would really like to see, namely my past lives, and at the centre I meditate more deeply.
I followed the old routine; went up the chain to general consciousness and tried to reach my birth and even deeper. I think I was able to sink very deeply. I felt that it was possible to see the past lives. They were right next to me, within my grasp. After all, there is neither time nor space. And yet I couldn't see anything... So it must be a fairy tale after all.
The video call with Christiane is scheduled for tomorrow. I don't know what I expect from her myself.
Wednesday, 08.03.23 - Video call with Christiane Michelberger
I finally get the information!
Today I had a conversation with Christiane Michelberger. She looked exactly as I know her from her homepage - a round, friendly face and short grey hair. It took me about half an hour to tell my story in fast-forward, then she asked me a few questions and said that I had followed an energetic path to awakening, not like most people. There is such a term: Kundalini awakening. This path is characterised by the experience of outsized emotions and paranormal phenomena. Kundalini awakening is also characterised by heightened sensitivity, e.g. sensitivity to noise and restless sleep. Kundalini is a kind of power or energy that is located in the abdomen of every human being and, when activated, can lead to awakening.
I was flabbergasted. I didn't even know that there were different paths to awakening. - Kundalini? Never heard of it. Christiana recommended a website to me: kundaliniguide.com. If you right-click on the page, it is translated into German. She said that she knows another person who has also experienced a Kundalini awakening. Fascinating!
As for my energy, she said I should ground myself, go for a walk; walk barefoot; eat what I want, including meat; try to get out of my head and pay more attention to the sensations of the body. When I asked her why I felt so bad, she said that I had obviously been given a lot of energy and my body felt this as a lack of energy. Hmmmm. Interesting!
I took her advice. That very evening, I dragged myself to the grocery shop, bought two kilos of chicken thighs, roasted them in the oven and devoured two pieces with relish. I'd been craving chicken for days and I can't remember the last time I'd eaten meat. I felt guilty when I ate it because I knew what an agonising life these birds had, but it was good for me.
In the evening, I didn't have the energy to look at the English website. I quickly googled "Kundalini energy".
"It is said that the Kundalini energy lies dormant at the base of the spine, like a coiled serpent. When the energy awakens, it moves through the subtle body and activates and cleanses every energy centre."
Source: www.anahana.com
"When the Kundalini awakens and comes into the higher chakras, higher levels of existence open up to you. Your senses perceive higher worlds that are beautiful and sublime."
Source: https://www.7mind.de/magazin/Kundalini-energie-koerper-meditation-yoga
My goodness, I thought to myself. What esotericism! I've heard the word "chakras" before, but I couldn't connect it with anything.
"Chakra is a Sanskrit word meaning wheel or circle. The chakras radiate life energy, known as prana in Ayurveda. The chakras are the subtle energy centres of our body. You can think of them as rotating vortices in the body."
Source: https://www.hotelfontana.de/magazin/was-sind-chakren/
Something inside me refused to accept this material. I am a doctor of traditional medicine. What rubbish some websites are spreading, I thought to myself. Body energy lying dormant in the lower abdomen! The subtle body! Chakras! That's not what we were taught at university.
Before falling asleep, I thought - Olga, have you taken leave of your senses? You've just had such an extremely esoteric and absolutely incredible awakening. All this time you've been moaning that you lack knowledge and that you want to understand what's happening to you. Now you've been given information, but you don't want to accept it. You must not reject these sources! It is wisdom that is thousands of years old and has been passed down through countless generations to reach you today. Tomorrow you will deal with the chakras and the Kundalini.
Thursday, 09.03.23 - Duality
I woke up at night, lay on my stomach and was absolutely certain that my body didn't exist. There was such a pleasant emptiness in the place where it should have been... It's very difficult to describe. All the physical sensations were there. I felt my arms, legs and torso, the warmth, the gravity and I knew that my body was there. But at the same time there was only emptiness. Completely irrational! Such a bizarre duality. It was as if my body existed and didn't exist at the same time. I wasn't worried because it was a very pleasant experience, so calm and empty... I waited a few minutes to be sure that nothing more would happen and went back to sleep.
I still felt very weak in the mornings. An attempt to do the "sun salutation" (a yoga exercise) failed after the first round. Nevertheless, I forced myself to at least get the most important things of the day done: Pick up Grandma Lisa and do five loads of laundry. Mum took over the cooking. Somehow it all got done; slowly and with breaks. I thought about Christiane's words and paid attention to my bodily sensations. I wanted to prove to myself that I existed in this world and that it could be fun to live here. Especially if you don't suffer! 😅
I did not meditate, as Christiana had advised me to do. Incidentally, she was very surprised about my chest tightness and advised me to ask this phenomenon why it was there, whether I had any hidden problems. I wouldn't know what problems I should have, because they all resolved themselves during the awakening process. Anyway, I tried a few times but didn't get an answer.
I am glad to have spoken to Christiane. She gave me valuable information and advice at exactly the right time. That alone has made me feel a little better, even if the picture isn't quite clear yet. I need more answers! How do other people awaken? What other paths to awakening are there? Are enlightenment and awakening the same thing? And what about my past lives? Is it all just a fairy tale?
Oh yes, I am still very sensitive to sounds and body sensations. I can feel my heartbeat very intensely and even the blood flow in the arteries in my neck. It's very strange to feel the blood flow.... I wouldn't have thought it possible.
And one more thing: Christiane mentioned, “Suggestion”. This is apparently the name of the method I found and used to "unwrap" myself. Definition: The term for a strong influence on a person's thoughts, feelings, will and actions. Was I manipulating my own mind? Is it possible?
Today I had a look at the website kundaliniguide.com. There is a lot of information there. Christiana said that the author Bonnie Greenwell passed away a few years ago. She was active in Kundalini research for decades and even wrote her doctoral thesis on the subject.
Friday, 10.03.23 - The bliss is unfolding
Oh God, I have the impression that the bliss is finally unfolding! It was such a beautiful day today, just incredible! I'm still on sick leave, but at least I managed to do two rounds of sun salutations this morning. As the day went on, my energy levels increased, so I was able to stay on my feet throughout today. And I was sunshine-happy the whole time. It was so wonderful to simply exist! Feeling my body, eating, showering, even breathing was a pleasure. 🤩🤩🤩
There was such a gentle joy in me the whole day. It's impossible to convey. Such a carefree, sunny mood... All my problems are so tiny that they don't even exist. No fears. No worries. Complete freedom! I've never experienced this feeling before. It's hard to compare it to normal "conditional" states of happiness. Happiness is usually conditional and therefore very fleeting. But today I was SIMPLY so happy, out of myself and for no apparent reason.
My God, when I think back to the last two years when I struggled with my joylessness! Sometimes I only had two or three small positive moments throughout the day. Before I went to bed, I would try to remember them to feel some more joy.... And for a very, very long time, the best moment of the day for me was being allowed to go to sleep... I can't believe how dull my life was…
It's all just an unbelievable story. By the way, my chest tightness hasn't gone away. I followed Christiana's advice and didn't meditate for almost 36 hours. Then the discomfort in my chest became unbearable and forced me to sit on the meditation stool again. I have no idea why this happened. I'm pretty sure I'm physically healthy.
Oh, I am so happy! I am so balanced and at my core. I feel very calm and light inside. It's impossible to express that. I wonder why my family doesn't notice?
Saturday, 11.03.23 - Quantum theory wants to be mentioned
Yes, I think I still have to get used to everything and sort it all out again. Sometimes I feel like my brain has been rewired and I have to replay all the situations... It constantly occurs to me that this world doesn't exist. Sometimes I stop halfway through a conversation because I'm stuck in my thoughts.
I often think about duality, about the simultaneous existence and non-existence of this world. It is known that very small particles are subject to this duality. But I have never heard of macro-objects being subject to duality... Although, if you think logically, macro-objects are made up of micro-objects. It can't be that such fundamental properties of matter change just because we move to a different scale. Perhaps we simply don't perceive the duality of our world because our senses are imperfect?
Although I can't say exactly how I perceived the information I was bombarded with. Certainly not with sensory organs! I would say it was downloaded directly into my brain. So how is it that most people are unable to absorb it? Why did I myself only start to receive this information when I was forty-eight years old? Perhaps a physicist can explain it to me. I don't want to turn quantum theory on its head, I just want to describe what I have experienced. Perhaps duality is not the correct term for my experiences, because this "emptiness" is actually the general consciousness, the mind. Difficult... I am not qualified to explain the knowledge I have gained.
On the other hand, I don't understand why I can't be released from this dream. Why doesn't it stop? There are probably some mechanisms in the formless world that I don't understand yet. Maybe there is another step needed, which is called death here.
I sometimes feel like the sea now. I am a wave in a boundless ocean. Maybe the dents next to me are unawakened regions? Maybe at some point I will become a dent again and the dent next to me will become a wave? Maybe they are just processes that run automatically and I became an awakened part of the ocean before I fall asleep again... Maybe it doesn't matter who wakes up next. Which in turn means: there is nothing more I have to do in this world. I have nothing more to achieve.
Another interesting phenomenon occurred today: I didn't feel my weight. Or rather, I weighed much less than usual, about 30 kilograms. We had guests over, it was a very busy day - cleaning, cooking, so I couldn't concentrate on my feelings. When I got up in the morning, I felt light in my body, but it wasn't until the evening, when I was meditating and sitting on the stool and later lying in bed, that I realised that I would have spontaneously estimated my weight to be half or even less. During the meditation I had the feeling that my arms were almost weightless. Very pleasant... When you know that you don't really exist, but are only dreaming, it's easy to justify. I have no other explanation at the moment.
A later comment: The feeling of lightness can be related to the level of Kundalini, the more Kundalini one has, the lighter the body seems to be.
Sunday, 12.03.23 - I am working on the topic of Kundalini
Today my weight feels almost normal again, only a slight lightness remains in my body. But it probably doesn't matter.
This morning during meditation I felt like an infinite sea again. It is such a wonderful and happy state! At the same time, I thought: "Oh, this is my feeling of "Beautiful!" - that I have always felt during meditation! This little moment that has lit up my meditation from the beginning is this feeling of being part of the ocean! It brings me so much peace, so much balance and happiness!
I took a lot of time today to read the website kundaliniguide.com.  Very good site, lots of information. I am very grateful to Christiane Michelberger for this tip. If you know what things are called, you can find anything these days. I have ordered two books in German about Kundalini awakening from Amazon.
Yes, there must be some truth in all this. I've never been into any energies or other esoteric stuff, except horoscopes as a teenager. But there are some very interesting approaches here. It's amazing that people can write PhD theses in this field.... 😜 Sounds like the subject is not entirely unknown. Hmmm. Well, I can look into it. Books on Buddhism have somehow stopped attracting me. I feel like my interest in Buddhism was completely extinguished after I was released from the fourth shackle. After all, it's just a concept that helps you awaken. Apparently there are many paths to the mountain top.
Monday, 13.03.23 - I am an energy being with all kinds of bizarre thoughts
Oh, man! Somehow there's no peace and quiet. A new sensation every day... Today I was able to immerse myself very quickly. I had the wonderful feeling that I am a sphere and that my world revolves around me like a sphere, just like in Morocco. Now I can justify this feeling. If the world around me doesn't exist, but is just my imagination, then I can shape it however I want…
Then I thought that as an awakened person I could do something good for the sleeping people around me. At the same time, I imagined that love was flowing out of me like a fountain through my head in different directions. With this inner image, a huge wave of energy rose up like a tsunami, flooding my whole body from bottom to top and gushing out through the crown of my head. OH GOD! WHAT ECSTASY! And right at that moment, my damn alarm clock went off. I promise myself that I will never set my alarm clock again! Work doesn't matter! It doesn't even exist!
This burst of energy was simply extraordinary. After showering, I felt the "state" again, like in the good old days: a rising warmth, heart pounding. As I got dressed, I didn't even feel my body, just pure energy that filled my whole body and even went a little beyond its limits. This energy felt like a warm, powerful field filled with love. Even my skin was vibrating... In the past, I would have called this a powerful "state". From today's perspective, it dawned on me that it must be Kundalini energy. God, I could never have imagined in my life that you could feel like an energy being!
I felt this tremendous energy all day long, even my face was burning. I couldn't remember the last time I had such a strong "state", not counting the week of awakening. Apparently I need meditation to release the energy. It would be good to talk to someone who knows about this subject.
On the way home, a strange thought occurred to me: basically, there are no rules for me because, after all, there is no such thing as this world.  I can do whatever I want: fart in public, skip work, make fun of people, do stupid things.…
I don't really understand how the whole thing works. All these people, are they even there? Or is it just me who exists?
In the evening, I sat in front of the window and was just happy. If it were up to me, I would drop everything and sit still all day. Because I'm happiest in moments like that. I look at the clouds, how they fly across the sky, how they change shape and I melt away... This aimless back and forth is just a distraction. I understand Buddha so well! I want to go into the forest, into the desert, somewhere where there is no one! Maybe Peter and I should go away again for a few days.
In the evening at yoga, my bizarre thoughts continued. If all the people around me don't exist, then I don't have to be polite and friendly to them. So why am I trying so hard? Besides, I don't feel like doing yoga for an hour and a half today. If I am a powerful spirit and can spin the world around me, why don't I move on a time vector until the end of the hour? I even closed my eyes and imagined that it was already eight o'clock in the evening... But unfortunately nothing happened. Apparently there are some laws that I, as a human being, cannot overcome. Otherwise all awakened people could fly... On the other hand, there are reports that at least one awakened person was able to walk on water and turn water into wine 😉
The good thing is: I no longer feel as lonely as I did on the day of the nihilistic crisis. Unfortunately, I can't possibly prove that the people around me exist, and yet the loneliness has subsided...
A later comment: At that time I didn't realise that awakening is not the final destination. In the Buddhist centre, the terms "awakening" and "enlightenment" were used synonymously. In general, there are many misunderstandings in this area because the terminology is not standardised. However, I learnt a little later that awakening is only the beginning of a journey. Jesus Christ and Buddha represent the final stage of enlightenment that is possible on this earth.
Tuesday, 14.03.23 - Awakening is also just a process
I woke up at night and my body didn't exist again. And the world around me no longer existed either. It was such a pleasant emptiness. But at the same time, everything existed…
Today I came to the point of "Beautiful!" in meditation and tried to use my new knowledge to define why I perceive this moment as beautiful. It is the moment when all thoughts disappear and everything empties out like a white screen. Today I was able to stay in this moment longer than I usually do. Normally it only takes a second or two before the thoughts return. This time it took several minutes. I had the feeling that this "whiteness" was the general consciousness. It was so pleasant, so peaceful and happy…
It was very tempting to join the general consciousness and leave this dream behind me. I was about to fall out of this world, but the thought of Vincent stopped me. I don't know for sure if he exists. But I still didn't want to leave him here alone... Then the 'pull' weakened and it was over.
As the day went on, the strange thoughts continued. As I was driving, I had the distinct feeling that I wasn't going anywhere and all these images around me were just being shown to me. Like on the "Flying in Space" ride, where they show a film and you're sitting in a gondola that's being thrown sometimes to the left and sometimes to the right... I felt like a ball again and my world was spinning around me like a sphere.
Why can't I change my dream? I mean, I can change it, but only according to certain rules. Why can't I fly or do magic? Tonight Vincent and I watched one of the "Harry Potter" films. Magic is just a transformation of energy and isn't supposed to be difficult... On the other hand, why do I need magic? What would I want to change? I'm pretty happy and content with my life as it is.
Somehow I'm completely out of my depth. Christiane Michelberger helps people to awaken. So are these people real? On the other hand, maybe Christiane and her clients are just my dream. Or are these people around me the sleeping parts of my consciousness that are experiencing a coherent dream? I don't understand this whole situation. Are the parts of a shared consciousness communicating with each other or are they all living in their own dream?
In any case, I have realised that awakening cannot be described as a final "state". I can see that my development is progressing. So awakening is also a process and not a standstill.
I have had a very high "state" since yesterday. I wonder if it will stay that high permanently now. It's definitely some kind of energy. I just haven't thought of a proper name for it yet. It's not the usual physical energy where you feel like you can move mountains. It's a very pleasant physical sensation; it's warm waves that roll over me, my stomach, chest, head, face, arms, all the way down to my toes. My skin tingles, a slight vibration. My heart is beating (that is, it's not beating any faster than usual, but I can feel it much more strongly).
I wonder if the other phenomena I have experienced in these months will return. Above all, I would like to feel love for everyone again. It was so indescribably beautiful and I really miss that feeling. I mean, I love people like that too, but it's a very different feeling than when you carry a source of ETERNAL love in your chest and loving is as natural to you as breathing. When you are love itself…
Wednesday, 15.03.23 - My energy level rises to the highest level
Tonight I had dinner with my Buddhist group again. I was so looking forward to this evening because I wanted to tell everyone about my awakening. But unfortunately I was disappointed. Franz simply ignored my message and didn't ask a single question, as if I had said something embarrassing. Iris and Michael showed no interest either, and when I later asked Iris via WhatsApp if I could help her in any way on her journey of awakening, she politely declined. Michael didn't even reply to my message. Only Melanie responded adequately, asked a few questions and I will meet with her again to talk about this issue.
Unbelievable! Melanie, Michael and Iris spent the whole evening talking about their daily suffering, worries and hardships. But of the three of them, Melanie was the only one who was interested in liberation from suffering. I don't think I will ever understand this world!
Nevertheless, I still want to try to help people. I was absolutely not embarrassed or uncomfortable to bring it up, and I wasn't offended that Michael ignored me on WhatsApp. I simply took note of it.
I still have a very high 'state'. When I wake up, the first thing I feel is pulsation, vibration, movement in my body and a feeling of happiness. During the day, when I'm distracted, I forget about it. But as soon as I have five minutes and can sit down, a wave of bliss rolls over me.
In particular, I discovered cloud watching for myself. I had never really looked at the sky before, except when I wanted to see if it was going to rain. But recently, the vastness of the sky has fascinated me anew. It's so indescribably beautiful to look at the clouds, to listen to the birds chirping, to breathe. That's all I need. I can sit like this all day. I go to work and do my tasks as usual, but only because my mind wants me to. All the worries have left me. They simply no longer exist. Nothing weighs me down and nothing worries me anymore. It's simply indescribable! I melt with happiness…
I've just started a new book - "Enlightenment through the Path of Kundalini" by Tara Springett. God, it's so esoteric! I would never have read anything like it before. But since I've heard the voice of universal consciousness, something has changed in me. I understand on a very deep level what the author is writing about. Maybe she expresses it differently than I experienced it. But by and large it is the same. She is most likely a Kundalini awakener and a medium. When reading, you get the feeling that this woman knows very well what she is writing about.
I have come to the conclusion that in the form-free world there must be both consciousness and energy, like father and mother. Energy is the love that permeates and holds everything together. That's roughly how Tara Springett puts it.
My energy level is at its highest, but it's not just a pleasant feeling. Sometimes I feel like the energy is tearing me apart, especially when it gathers in my chest area. I've never experienced anything like it in my life. I try to exercise every day to get rid of the excess energy. But it would be great if I could find other uses for it, like helping people!
Saturday, 18.03.23 - I am an ocean, full of love!
During the day I was very busy renovating Kevin and Alice's flat. In the evening I still didn't feel tired, I was full of energy, so Peter and I went for a little bike ride to lower my energy levels. When we got back, I couldn't feel my weight anymore. The more I moved, the lighter I got.... I did the laundry and the washing up, after which I was almost weightless... My mind told me: "Go to sleep or you'll be a wreck tomorrow." I had to force myself to go to bed.
And when I entered the bedroom, I was obviously overwhelmed by the expanded "state". I sat down on the bed and suddenly went into this other world that exists parallel to our material world. I suddenly became an ocean, a boundless consciousness, I felt marvellous peace, infinite happiness, it was indescribably beautiful... And everything was permeated by an all-encompassing love... I myself was love! This "state" lasted for at least ten minutes. At the same time, I could perceive the material world, but somehow only subliminally.
I felt again that you don't actually move anywhere, neither in space nor in time. People are always in the same place. Because in a formless world it is impossible to move, there are no points of reference. It is the same with time - there is only the now. Tomorrow will never exist. Yesterday no longer exists. It's just our limited view of the time stream. I have no idea how people want to travel through time... It's not possible in this world.
It was only when Peter and Vincent arrived and the dog jumped on me that the perception of this world took over and the higher world faded into the background.
My whole body is filled with happiness and lightness... This is madness. I have realised that happiness is the basic "state" of general consciousness. There is only joy, peace and happiness up there. Maybe the general consciousness is bored and therefore invents this world of suffering to get some entertainment... I have the feeling that our material world is just a game or a film. It's funny! We experience a film where we watch films every night. We live in a dream and have dreams every night. This illusion seems to have several levels? Like different levels in a computer game... It's crazy.
It is so strange to exist in these two worlds at the same time. When I am busy in the material world, my perception of the formless world is switched off, but as soon as I come to rest, I can feel boundless happiness again and be an ocean full of love... 🤩🤩🤩
This week, for the first time in my life, I danced wildly in the kitchen to the music of the Pet Shop Boys. I jumped up to the ceiling like a madwoman, waving a kitchen towel and a soup ladle. I hope nobody saw that through the window! 🤣 Nirvana!
A comment from a later date: I didn't realise at the time that the process of awakening had only just begun. As it turned out, many more adventures awaited me. But my whole life from that moment on is consciously focussed on giving help, love and light to my loved ones and everyone I came into contact with. Suffering did not disappear from my life immediately or completely, but I have experienced the deepest states of happiness and ecstasy and continue to evolve, thanks to the support of my highly valued teacher, beloved higher consciousness and God.
If you would like to know the continuation or have any questions / suggestions, please feel free to write to me. I look forward to your feedback! My e-mail address: kontakt@awaked.me
Olga
Appendices
Books that have been helpful to me, in order of importance:

• •Tara Springett "Spiritual Joy - The Buddhist Dzogchen Path to Enlightenment”
• •Tara Springett "Life is a Game - Here are the Rules"
• •Tara Springett "Enlightenment through the Path of Kundalini"
• •Maitreyabandhu "Living in Full Mindfulness - A Practical Course”
• •Philipp Moffitt "Dancing with Life"
• •Maitreyabandhu "The Journey and the Guide - A Practical Course in Awakening"
• •Tara Springett "Healing with Higher Consciousness”
• •Ken Wilber "Integral Meditation”
• •Sharon Salzberg "Metta Meditation”
• •Lisa Miller "The Awakened Brain"
• •Sally Bongers "Everyday Enlightenment"
• •Bonnie Greenwell "Kundalini - Experiences with the Mysterious Primordial Power of Enlightenment"
• •Dhammapada "The Wisdom Teachings of the Buddha" (Pali Canon)
• •Wolfgang Knüll "Near-Death Experiences - A View into Another World, current answers from science"
• •Eckhart Tolle "A new earth"
• •Eckhart Tolle "Inner awakening and a life in the now"
• •Paul H. Köppler "So spricht Buddha- Die schönsten und wichtigsten Lehrreden des Erwachten"
• •Sandra Temmen "7 Wochen 7 Chakren”
• •Jonathan Landaw and and Stefan Bodian "Buddhismus für Dummies”
• •Stefanie Stahl "Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden"

Websites that I find helpful:
https://www.taraspringett.com/de
https://www.Kundaliniguide.com/
https://www.unterwegsmitbuddha.de/die-zehn-fesseln/
https://wiki.yoga-vidya.de/Hauptseite
Important addresses:
Clinic that treats spiritual emergencies: info@heiligenfeld.de, Tel. +49 971 - 840, contact person Ms Wabener
This page was translated with the help of the Deeple translation programme.